Too good to leave, too bad to stay
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| Wed, 05-30-2007 - 4:25pm |
You know how some people meet their spouse and they "just know they're the one"?
When I met my spouse, I had the opposite feeling, that I knew he was "not the one", and I married him 14 years ambivalent years later.
The thing is, when I met him I felt battle scarred from life and love. And he made me feel so good and it had been so long that I felt that loved and warm and safe. And 20 years later, he still does.
Is this a an immature version of love - to marry someone because they make you feel cherished, loved, protected, safe, beautiful, even if though that little voice inside says that they aren't the one?
He has been so good for me in many ways, emotionally supportive, he's my biggest fan, he's one of the most intelligent people I've ever met, good job, financially secure, good looking, healthy lifestyle.
Deep down inside I haven't lost the gut feel that "he's not the one".
After all these years most of the time I ignore that little voice and enjoy our life together, which for the most part is a wonderful life.
But sometimes, like now, the voice gets louder and makes me thrash against the velvet ties that bind me.
We never had children, perhaps cuz the voice inside me. Perhaps I've not only missed out on a mature marriage, but also on the joys of parenthood?
I've read the book "Too good to stay, too bad to leave" every couple of years when this flares up, but feel like I've never had the nerve to do anything about this other than fret.

Welcome to the board shj_mn,
Have you considered counseling for yourself to help you deal with your feeling?
You know, I remember thinking a couple of weeks after I met my husband; omigod, he's the one. We're divorced now. It was a nightmare marriage. Yes, we connected on many levels and we had a daughter who is the love of my life; but the marriage was difficult, conflicted, emotionally immature. I don't know what I'm telling you here; only that 'the one' can be a fantastical concept; but life is messy and full of grey areas. Does he make you happy? Are you fulfilled in other areas of your life? Are you sure it was your uncertainty over him that prevented you from wanting children? Is it too late to have them now?
It sounds like you have a good marriage. Perhaps there are other areas of your life that you could seek new challenges in.
Tricky situation, best of luck. I hope you find peace.
Coolas
We have all kinds of voices in our heads that delude us and try to spoil growth, happiness and stability. Your husband sounds like a treasure, a real find. It's too bad you can't deeply appreciate how rare and wonderful it is to have such a partner at your side. We all have many fantasies of who "the one" is supposed to be. Most of the time this fantasy person is someone who reminds us of our parents in some way, or some kind of unfinished issue or relationship we have in our lives. "The one" can only be "the one" for a limited time, until reality bursts through and then they're simply another human being with whom we must learn to deal.
It sounds as though you are experiencing real love in your relationship. Perhaps the "real one" you long for is someone who would create intoxication, fascination or a mystical sense of oneness that you do not feel now. Inroxication and fascination are not love. They are temporary feelings that come and then depart, (often leaving one emptier than before they arrived). A mystical feeling of oneness is something one attains by true spiritual practice, and is always available to everyone.
Why not become "the one" you are seeking? Become whole, full and brimming over with love yourself. Then the whole world will look different to you. I believe you have found a real jewel. It would be wonderful to allow yourself to see that and let him know it as well.
Best wishes,
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I want to thank both of you so much - I think you both hit the nail on the head:
We have all kinds of voices in our heads that delude us and try to spoil growth, happiness and stability. Your husband sounds like a treasure, a real find
Maybe the concept of finding "the one" is on par with finding "your soul mate", which is perhaps a romantic ideal that can cause us to create unrealistic expectations of a partner and marriage. And I have been battling that question - is it time to "grow up" and let go of my ideals? On the other hand, how can you tell when you're just settling or when you're expectations are too high. I think I haven't been able to answer that question on my own, which led me to post this email to get an outside observers answer.
As a side note, the comment about all kinds of voices is true in other areas of my life - I do tend to overanlyze/obsess/worry about things, and I'm probably hard on myself than I am on my husband.
My husband isn't perfect and we have had rocky times, but I am far from perfect myself, so it is wonderful to feel so understood, loved and cherished despite all my quirks.
Thanks again for helping me adjust my expectations and wanting what I've got instead of trying to get what I want.