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| Fri, 03-19-2004 - 5:37pm |
Ok enough of that...now lets get to my core...
I am going to fill you guys in, about my life and my current situation...
I am a full time undergraduate student at a private technical college (which is rather very demanding), have two part-time jobs, have a long-distance relationship, a family that's dysfunctional, and i have myself, who i really dont like to trust ( i can never trust myself, for i make the dumbest decisions...i am highly overly sensitive and I cant stand being like this but it's who i am)
I am feeling lately as if I am going to burst of too many things. I need the jobs to pay off my cell, credit cards, and college tuition bills. I need my man for i feel as if he's the only one that understand and supports me ( i think cuz of him Im still alive); i need my education to get out it a career i could get in the future ( i am a computer engineer major with a minor in Electrical and Civil engineer ( aLOT of work!!!))
I feel as if i dont have no where to go...i spoke to my college personal advisor and she recommended that i go see a psychologist..i already signed up for a session this monday...i cant believe how vulnerable and feeble i am...as i was signing the session's slip (psychologist attendance for next week) i was horribly crying gallons of "oceans waters" I dont know why i felt that way or why i was terribly crying...no one has hurt me and nothing went wrong....what could this possibly be?
I also feel as if my past if hunting me...I have grown so found of this website (ivillage.com) and its message boards especially this one....that i feel like giving in...in telling you guys what really happpened when i was young and what i mean when i say that my past is huntingme again....
From the age of about 2 or 3yrs old till i was 8years old a bit over 8 years old...i was constantly Raped by my biological father....all cuz he was drunk and wanted "extra good sex"...my mother or family never found out till i was 13 yrs old when he molested me and i couldnt take it anymore....*Till this day I'm still traumatized since then...* I never told because he threatened me with these words, "If you tell or i get caught, whether u told or not, i will make you rape your brother and sister and then I will rape them in front of you and then have you Kill them one by one with your own hands..."
Yes that was him, alright. And trust me he was the type that would and could do so...
Im doing alright now, everythings under control i guess...(by the way my mother kicked him out of the house...but was afraid to givehim in to the authority...he's a very powerful man)....but lately i've been having nightmares that he would someday come and get me...i get nightmares seeing him face to face as if we were having "sexual intercourse" like i still vividly remember how it went...it disgusts me and throw up ..i have threw up about four times...(quite a bit..that my mother swears that I am PREGNaNT) Which by the way I am not...
about two months ago i had an argument with my mother telling her that i hated her and that she shouldve known....but i guess she was madly and blindly in love with my dad that she didnt pay much attnt to me and what went on...she never found out till i told her....
i feel as if these memories are going to be with me for the rest of mhy life and theres no way i can get rid of them....i have attempted 6 suicidal attempts but wimped out because i was too scared to die and know that my dad will someday hunt my family down...
my last suicidal attempt (which failed hehe because im still alive) my boyfriend entered my life...i told him everything and up till this day we are going strong...i feel as if this is the guy of my life and i want to spend the rest of my life with him...
i've been lately planning on moving in with him...been with him one year and met him about two years....he lives in VA and I live in NYC.
But the problem is that i am studying here in nyc and he's working in VA......i already filed my applications to certain colleges in VA but im not sure if im going to get accept...if i dont,im not moving...if i do get accept to any i am surely movoing...
the problem is that if i dont get accepted then ill be disappointed b/c i really want to move in with him...he has been patient enough..i feel as if i cant and i cant see us holding this relationship in a "HOLD" due to our situation...i want to take it further but cant b/c of the situations....
Does any one have any suggestion to any of the situation above?...
Notice how i didnt mention my dysfunctional family...that's for another discussion board...It's a LONGGGGGGGGGGGGG Story....trust me...
I'll probably bore you guys with so much to say....I'm sorry if this is too long..ill try not to be too long next time....
But i really do need your help anyone???
Sincerely,
"Saddened, after noticing how much i had to say "
Marlene Menser

I, too, have been struggling with a horrific past, not as well as you, I might add. I just got to the point where I more or less couldn't go forward. Fortunately, I too found a man who's compassionate towards me. Such a relief! I really believe it would be worth it to you to be with your SO whether school works out right now or not. It sounds as if you need the support, and the human frame can only endure only so much. If you push yourself too hard, you might break yourself and lose all you have gained. And even if you don't lose economically, what about what you might lose in other areas: emotionally, socially, your happiness, etc. All are a consideration.
I kind of doubt that you won't get accepted to any of those colleges, but if you don't, have you considered correspondence study? I don't know what they're like really, but I think some of them are reputable. Even if you took a year off, you probably wouldn't lose too much, just as long as you got back to it later.
I have tried a lot of different avenues for mental support and the single biggest thing I found was a therapy called process healing. You can actually take the emotional pain out of things before you consciously remember them. I had to do it that way. However, even if you remember things, it can still neutralize the pain. I don't have the web site address and I'd have to erase this to find it, but if you post wanting it, I'll post it to you.
Take care.
Second, you have a great Guy at your side, because he is there for you and giving you support. You are fortunate, and THAT is something worth living for. All we have is each other in this life -- that is all that matters.
Thirdly, let me say that you and I BOTH come from a dysfunctional family. I can tell you many stories that would make your head spin. Broken home, alcoholic Mother, no Father, did not have a normal childhood, mother would start fights in her drunken stuper, moved out of the house when I was 18....the list goes on.
I am so sorry that your Father sexual abused you, and your Mother had no knowledge of it. Your Father did the "unthinkable", he was obviously not a well man. I hope he gets help, cause he's going to need it. It must be very difficult for you to deal with, BUT you can get past this, you can overcome what has been done to you -- you had no control over these situations. I know you have alot of resentment towards her. The best thing you can do is get into counseling, and it would help to have your Mother there too.
Sounds like you are a smart person, and you are working hard to make a better life for yourself. Good luck on your schooling. You must be very proud of your achievements!
I wish you and your BF the best.
I'd like to add that it sounds like YOU want to live. You've made a life for yourself, have a caring bf, go to school, etc. It can take awhile, but you know you want to make the best of things and it's right and good that you should go forward and make the best for yourself that you can, even if your family wants to stay "stuck in a rut". You can't make their decisions for them and they shouldn't be making yours for you. Maybe part of it is that you need to remind yourself that you're safe now and you have just as much right and ability to freedom and happiness as the next person. Best wishes.
P.S. The hypersensitivity is a result of trauma. Look-up trauma information pages in a search, Perry 1996, very enlightening.
hugs to you... what a horrible story, you went thru something so terrible, and you did not have the support of a loving family, and yet - here you are, you are surviving, you are in school, you are doing positive things with your life, so SOMETHING must be working for you somewhere.
please keep us posted...