Too much family

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
Too much family
2
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:28pm
I don't know how to deal with this. I am living in STBH's house, we've been together 3 years. I have a DD (16) and he has a DS (17) that lives with us. He has family members that live withing seconds of each other, and has a brother that comes over and takes it upon himself to use his tools in the garage, leave lights on, his kids come over and wreck stuff and it drives me crazy. His DD, who also lives in the direct vicinity has a DD, who we are often asked to babysit (actually not asked, but demanded). I've set a few ground rules, like not babysitting overnight anymore (we both work in the morning and its too hard to get a 5 year old off) When we have to pick her up from daycare, she doesn't normally come home to get her daughter right away, or she is always asking to stay for dinner, because she is too busy partying or hasn't gone food shopping. I really love the kids a lot, but I feel like its imposing on our time, and I'm starting to resent it a little. We have discussed moving when the kids are out of high school, because he built this house with his ex and I'm not 100% comfortable, but I don't feel like I have any privacy and our lives revolve around his family. I really love him dearly, but I blew up the other night and said I felt I didn't have any privacy and maybe I should just move out (I used to have my own apartment with my daughter). I really do like where I'm living but I don't know what to do, or how to change my attitude. I feel like we get walked on by everyone. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: kcako
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:54pm
How sad that your bf has the golden opportunity to set boundaries with family - brother and his daughter, espeically his daughter so she will be a responsible adult instead of allowing her to have her way, a free babysitter, never have to cook for her daughter, all in the name of love. Of course he loves his granddaughter and daugher and wants to help them out, hmm, or is his actions motivated by guilt. He needs to set some clear boundaries and maybe if he would go to couple's counseling with you it could be addressed. Counseling would help him MAYBE see your point of view - but if he's not one to look at his own motivations, etc. it may not happen, but at least you will know you tried everything to save the relationship. Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-23-2003
In reply to: kcako
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:17pm
I think you partially hit the proverbial nail on the head when you mentioned guilt, but he's tried talking to her, and she just flips out, says she is too "stressed" or shuts him down. He is a very communicative person. She pawned her daughter off on grandma yesterday and she happened to call, and he went off on her. She know's he's right, so today's she's trying to smooth things over with him. Its just a repetitive cycle. I can see if she needs us to pick up for work reasons, but its just abusive. I feel sorry the most for the little one because she is constantly back and forth to people's houses. STBH response sometimes to me is "you never had someone watching your daughter?". Well, yes I did, when I worked my sister in law did, and I'd pick her up directly after work. We would go to parks, libraries for story time, do crafts, whatever. I just feel like its not healthy. Its almost like her daughter is a burden. I understand being single, but she needs to take responsibility and we can't force her to.

I really do love SD, and I understand its hard, but she's out to "find the ONE", I just feel she needs to stop trying so hard, she has every other weekend free of her daughter, she shouldn't be out 3 or 4 nights a week, and every weekend she has her at least 1 of the nights, and away for the weekend when her daughter's dad picks her up (well, that's okay I guess) Sorry this is such a rant. The main point is I just feel overwhelmed - partially because I feel like I have no control over the comings and goings in my own house. I really should't get that involved in her and her daughter, I guess.