too much fighting
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too much fighting
| Thu, 03-22-2007 - 11:16am |
I've been married for 23 years. I am 45 and my husband is 48. He is a truck driver and generally gone all week-- home only on the weekends. For quite some time now it seems that all we do is fight. As soon as he walks in the door he says or does something that (he knows) will make me mad or is offensive to me. He uses a lot of sarcasm, especially if he is upset or angry at something. His sarcasm and jokes have become mean spirited, they are only to make fun, belittle and put down or criticize. A few years ago he got caught up in drinking with the "guys" after work, which in turn led to drinking all day (they drive/run at night) and coming home leaving just enough time to sleep it off and be legal before going to work. Soon the guys he was drinking with were leaving him at the bar while they went on home. He was almost never here and when he was he was useless. He'd stumble in, or fall in the door--sometimes I'd have to help him to bed. He wasn't there for me or the kids, not to make decisions, or help with anything. Home was just a sleeping place and as long as he had dinner on the table and clean clothes to go to work he was fine. Weekends were spent at partys or at the bar, Sundays spent sleeping all day. His cell would ring and he'd be gone and I'd have no clue where he was or whose party he was attending. I became resentful and trust became an issue as well. This scenerio esculated to the point that he became "friends" with a woman who spent a lot of her time drinking her sorrows away at the bar. She worked midnights and frequented the bar in the morning as did the group of truck drivers that included my husband. As time progressed the relationship was taking turns I didn't like and ours was going downhill quickly. He spent a lot of time "talking" to his friend--at the bar, and at her home-- and no time talking to me! To make a long story short I ended up giving him an ultimatum: his beer and bar friend or his family and me. He immediately quit drinking and has not returned to the bar and has not drank since. His friendship with his bar friend has ceased and is non exsistant now. (And yes I really do believe him when he said it went no further than talking). The drinking binge lasted over a year but it's been about 3 years since he has given it all up. The reason I wrote about the drinking is because it seems to me that since this time his behavior has turned extremely obnoxious, his sarcasm worse, he isn't interested in listening or solving problems. We still don't talk (even less if that's possible) and I tend to resent that as he had so much to say to his bar friend but little or nothing to say to me. When I point this out--usually after an attempt to communicate with him fails--he always says things like "it was new--your old" (meaning the relationship) or "yeah but I don't like you" then follows that with "I'm just kidding" ha ha ha. (I rarely bring it up any more as I needed to get past the entire relationship he had with her so I could move on.) I am aware that the lack of communication is one of the first and biggest problems we have. He has never been much of a communicator-ever. But this relationship has broken down so far that we really can't be in a room together (and possibly a house!) without being at each others throats. I spend a lot of time before he comes home telling myself I'm not gonna fight with him but somehow I always get baited into an argument of some kind. The arguments are usually about insignificant things; he gets so, so mad about nothing important. He doesn't hear what I say at all as he is usually busy protesting that it's not his fault and he has done "nothing". Nothing is ever his fault; and I do mean nothing! I've read all the articles and tried everything to approach him. I am careful with my words and try not to put him on the defensive when I speak to him--but he automatically takes the defensive and tunes me out. He wants sex all the time, and seems to think that will solve all the problems--at least on his side that makes everything better. I am not interested in sex at all, in fact quite often his behavior or things he says, disgusts me to the point I can't stand him. Although he constantly pests me about it, he rarely gets it--which leads to a whole other set of problems and esculates the ones we have now. On top of all this sex with him has become boring. He has no stamina (if you catch my drift. And this is not a new thing--it's always been) and he has gotten lazy, not wanting to do any romancing or foreplay past what is required to get things rolling. Even if I finish, I don't feel satisfied. The man is emotionally unavailable. He seems to have no interest in anything but himself and his money--which he accuses me of being the only reason I'm still married to him. In all honesty, that is beginning to be the case. I really want the man I married back. I don't like this mean spirited, sarcastic, obnoxious guy he has turned into. I've told him that--I'm past dropping hints, now I just state it straight up--his reply is "whatever". I love him but I'm not in love with him any more. I don't feel he holds any respect for me what so ever and I am beginning to question if he has any respect for women. I'd like to be in love with him again--after all I've spent 23 yrs of my life with this man. I feel so alone even when I'm with him. The only pleasure I get is when he is gone and there is peace in my house (which feels like a battlefield/ war zone on the weekends). I enjoy my kids company and we all get along fine without him all week. My daughters are 16 and 21. When he is home on the weekend they have taken to spending most the time in thier rooms--unless it's a rare occasion and he is in a good mood. The only time we can actually be together and get along is when we can bring ourselves to get on the motorcycle and go riding for a few hours. While we are out of the house we get along well and we talk. Unfortunately the weather doesn't always allow for this every weekend, and a lot of the time there is so much anger that it takes a lot of work to get him on the bike. He gets so angry that he just sits. sometimes in silence, sometimes flipping the tv. He doesn't even really watch tv, just flips. When he gets in this place--which seems more and more frequent, he quits bathing and dressing unless he is going to work--he just sits and eats nothing but junk food. He gets meaner and more critical the longer he sits. You don't even have to speak to him, just walk from one room to the other and something rude will come out of his mouth; unwarrented. He is not beyond following me around the house grabbing at me or pesting me non stop for sex--tell me would you want sex with someone that has come in from work and hasn't bathed in 2 days? I am beginning to think this relationship is hopeless and divorce is the only solution.

'The only pleasure I get is when he is gone'
Honestly it doesn't seem lilke you are getting anything out of this relationship. Why not try to have a serious talk about the relationship and your feelings. If he refuses, then you have a decision to make about your future and happiness.
Just reading your post gave me feelings of helplessness and hopelessness for you:( I'm sorry that you are going through this and especially after being with him for 23 years!
It doesn't sound like he would be open to it, but have you thought about counseling? If not for both of you, for just you?
I wonder if he is an alcoholic, now just a dry one. The attitudes and problems that contribute to alcoholism are still there except he isn't drinking to numb them away...
It definitely sounds like you need some sort of intervention. Whether it be counseling or a separation....Something needs to change. And you cannot change him unless he wants to. He probably won't change unless motivated to do so. I see promise in the fact that when you told him to choose you and the family over the bar and the other woman he chose you and the family....
I would think now he needs to choose his own self-loathing and bitterness or you and the family, you know? I'm not there so I don't know enough to say exactly what you "should" do, but only you know what all the details are and only you can make the decision.
I'm sorry you are struggling with this!:(
Welcome to the board sandi612007,
My advice to you is to make a list of the good and bad things in the relationship as well as a list of the things you would like to see changed. Then take these lists to him and see if you can come up with solutions to the problems. If none can be reached, you will have to decide if you want to continue fighting. The thing is you can not fix the marriage alone, he has to be willing to work on it with you.
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