too sensitive or insensitive?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
too sensitive or insensitive?
6
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 7:49pm
just curious as to what others thought about this, as it has made me feel really crap. i went out with my boyfriend today to the park, and we had a great day. however whilst out i noticed him checkin out other girls. obviously this is fairly normal to an extent for example if a member of the opposite sex walks past you with hardly any clothes on its abit hard not to look. howeber what hurt me was when he started to tell me. for example we got an ice cream, when i went to pay for the ice cream he muttered in my ear hold the money low, i was abit confused at first but then realised. it made me feel frustrated and almost not wanted. he wanted ME, HIS GIRLFRIEND to hold the money low so he could lookdown this womens top. later on during the day , we were lying in the park watching people play frisbee. as a woman bent over to pick it up he said ' ohhhh i just saw down her top' and made me watch the second time. i dunnoif its me bein over sensitive or him being insensitive, because if i was to do anything like that i kno he would feel terrible and give me the silent trement. although i wouldnt dream of saying any thing like that to him as i respect his feeling to much. id be grateful for any advice?
Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 8:05pm
Oh my gosh, how awful of him! Have you told him how this makes you feel?
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Mon, 05-31-2004 - 8:16pm
he is in a very weird state of mind at the moment claiming not to know me or trust me, so i dont know whats the best way to handle this one
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 12:28pm
I read your other post about him not knowing you, too. First, this one. The way he was acting in the park was not acceptable behaviour. I don't think it's acceptable at any time, never mind in front of you. He was even trying to get you to go against your principles and participate in his disgusting oggeling!(sp?) You clearly see this for what it is - total disrepect for you. Either he does not believe this is disrespectful or he does not find you worthy of respect. Either one is a problem and I'd say it's actually both. It's very easy to find out if you are on the same "what is repect?" page by asking him to stop this behaviour and watching the results of that request. If you are not on the same page on this, this relationship is doomed to fail eventually and inevitably. He will not live by your standards and you can not (and should not) live by his standards.

You went on to talk about him giving you the silent treatment if you do something he does not approve of. Not very grown up either.

Now he is claiming, after a year, that he does not know you? If he does not know you after a year it's because he hasn't bothered to get to know you. He has not cared enough about your thoughts, feelings, beliefs and dreams to actually listen to you. He describes exterior qualities that he finds attractive, on the same level as the girls in the park. Unfortunately, this is probably because that is all he's really interested in. The outside. It would takes real effort and sacrifice to deal with what is on the inside. Is he capable of that? Some people aren't. Oh, they can hide it for a while but, in the end, their true self-absorbed nature comes out. On the other hand, he could be saying those things just to make you feel bad for confronting him on the drooling over other chicks thing. Oh, oh...either way, it's that same 'worthy of respect' issue again.

I'm sorry to say that these issues seem to be establishing a pattern. A pattern that you are seeing and questioning. In your world, you deem disrespect intolerable. You would not do it to others and you should not stand for it being leveled at you. Sensitivity to disrespect is something you should *never* question or apologize for. Don't let your inner voice be drowned out by him. Never settle for someone else's idea of what you are worth.

Keep looking up^, Susan.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 1:14pm
ITA! great post!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 5:57pm
Personally I have never dated or been in a relationship with an "ogler" b/c I have demanded for myself a partner who shows respect to me, and to others, even if they are strangers. And...that's what I have ended up with. You only will end up with what you accept for yourself. He's not going to change or "grow up." He is who he is and likes what he likes. If his behavior is not a dealbreaker for you then deal with it and don't complain. If it is, then find someone who shows more respect to others, and to you. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
Tue, 06-01-2004 - 6:07pm
i cant thank you enough for your post. you have helped me see it more clearly, and somehow helped me see the situation but without without letting my feeling get the better of me. thanks again for taking the time, you really are a star. it means alot to me. all the best.