Too suspicious for my own good (Update)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-01-2013
Too suspicious for my own good (Update)
Fri, 11-01-2013 - 9:41am

Thank you to all of you who have commented on the, "Too suspicious for my own good" post. After having read the comments, I agreed and thought I was just being too plain silly. It was a bad week, and to someone who mentioned that I had too much time on my hands you're right. I do, I am a stay-at-home mom and I'm home most of the time (due to transportation issues). I do tend to sit here and think way too much. 

But.................. Something else has come up and I can't help but think something's amiss. It's probably just my extreme paranoia issue, but I just want to talk about it. I hope someone will chime in.

Within the past month, my fiance has been acting differently. He's more quiet than usual and he almost has this "guilty" look on his face all the time. He says that nothing's been wrong. A couple of weeks ago, he came home for lunch and talked about his co-workers. One worker had mentioned speaking to the fairly new employee in their office (as of July/August, another woman) and found out about her age. I guess this was surprising news to all, as she looked much younger than her age (they all thought early 30's though she stated early 40's). I was aware of the new employee for a while and didn't think anything of it. But then, my fiance went on to say that this office worker, since the day she started working there apparently wears dresses every-single-day, without fail. (Why my fiance is talking about this woman was strange to me, but okay). Honestly, I was starting to feel awkward, and then he had to say it, the icing on the cake, "She's a nice looking lady for her age." Still, I grit my teeth and went along with it and didn't say anything. 

I think my fiance struck up a conversation with her, not another co-worker, and found out about the age and I'm sure that wasn't all of the details. It could've been innocent chatting, but again, I am a paranoid person. Not to mention, his track record with me from the past isn't too good. Let's just say the "office lady" would've been his type of woman he would've gotten in trouble with in the past. I really don't want to delve too much into the past.

I also can't help but think back to the whiskey he took to work (as mentioned in my previous post) now thinking it wasn't given to said co-worker, but maybe the woman in the office instead?

So I'm here again and still being paranoid, maybe. Do you think my fiance's up to something or I'm just being an idiot? I don't have anyone else to talk to so here is my only place.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2008
Fri, 11-01-2013 - 12:16pm

I'm not going to say you're an idiot.  By your own words you admit to being paranoid and all you wrote says you simply don't trust him.  Isn't it time to get to the bottom of this?  In your shoes I'd be wanting to talk to a pro, so find a good therapist in your area, no one here I know of is a pro and this kind of issue is usually a long-standing one.  My own therapist has handed me quite a few aha moments that made me think differently about things, even though I'm sick of counseling, too.  There are women everywhere, he is going to encounter them everywhere, and you cannot watch him 24/7.  Trust is a huge part of any relationship and I think you need help getting to trust. 


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 11-01-2013 - 3:30pm

I agree that this is a problem that we can't solve.  I can't tell if you are being paranoid for nothing or if your fiance is interested in the woman at work.  My ex would tell me all kind of things about women who came into the store that he worked in, including things like women (who saw that he had tattoos) would offer to show him their tattoos--on their breast or something racy like that.  It didn't make me jealous at all--first of all, generally I'm not a jealous person and 2ndly I knew he was trustworthy.  I just wouldn't be involved with a guy who I had to worry about all the time whether he would cheat on me.  So you have to figure out if you would be paranoid about every guy you go out with, in which case you need therapy and need to take a break from relationships until you can recognize the difference between guys you don't have to be suspicious of and the ones who you do.  If it's just him, then why are you in a relationship with someone you can't trust?  It seems to be that would be exhausting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Fri, 11-01-2013 - 11:41pm

Well when you mention things like "his past track record isn't too good"  and "that the office lady is his type of woman he would have gotten in trouble with in the past"  it sounds like he has a prior history of cheating. So I'm  assuming here that something in the past has created this mistrust of him, and  therefore his past behavior may be the reason your so suspicious. If that's the case then why stay with him?