torn between two lovers

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
torn between two lovers
7
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:40pm
I have been dating my current boyfriend for about three months everything is pefect we go out he calls me exactly when he is suppposed too he is so predicatable and kind. He is everything a girl would ask for but yet I am not happy he told me that I am his first girlfriend he is 23 amd im like ok but i feel like he is unexperience when it comes to relationships and this has all come about becuase a guy who I been with for 3 years we were friends with benefits has been in the picture the whold time but he recently asked me out on a date and aske me out for valetined day but i decilned and he keeps persuing me and he told me that he is ready to settle down and wants a relationship with me and dosent want to loose me and I have nooooo clue what to do or how to choose any advice on what the best thing to do in this situation I been going nuts trying to figure out what to do and I am having a really hard time choosing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 4:22pm
You are trying to compare two guys that you can't compare.

Three months, while not very long into a new relationship (no matter what his dating experience) treats you like a queen. But for some reason you have unresolved feelings for this other guy.

Did you have any issues with this other guy? Being friends is a great foundation for a long-term relationship HOWEVER the 'with benefits' is a reflection of moral, values, character, etc. Did either of you want more out of the relationship before you started dating this new guy?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 5:16pm
i always wanted a relationship with the guy i been with for 3 1/2 half years but he was nevr ready to commit but now he is and thats why i am having a probelm and i dotn know what to do because its like i awlays wanted him but could never have him and now there is a chance but i dont know if tis really worth risking what i have with my current boyfriend
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 5:58pm
You always wanted a relationship with him, he didn't... he wanted to be with you without obligation. You have a history together so it is hard to break that tie.

If you drop the current guy for this one...what does that say about you? Yet, if you really have unresolved feeling for this other guy, it's time they are addressed, healed, or at least there is truth about what can really be and what can't be.

Personally, you've known him three years and he's not taken the initiative until now, so that tells me 1) he's afraid you will never sleep with him again, now that you are in a relationship, 2) he's still not sure how committed he can be (I mean he didn't show up at your door and propose, right?) 3) he's jealous / envious that you have someone else.

Say you dump current guy and get together with FWB guy.... how long before he decides he just not sure, or you moved to fast in a 'serious, committed relationship' - how long are you willing to be just FWB again? I mean, what if he's only saying it to get the relationship with you back to the way it was before? Can you live with your choice if it doesn't work out with FWB guy, because chances are you can never go back to current guy, he will feel betrayed?

Can you walk away from FWB guy, knowing you can't stay friends, never have sex with him again? If not, they you have your answer.

Good luck to you on your decision.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:56pm
OK girlfriend grab a pen and paper and listen up, I have been in your shoes. LOL. Seriously, what you need to do is think long and hard about what *you* want and what is important to *you.* What is going to make YOU the happiest. Now take your pen and paper and make a list, one for each of your men. Make 2 columns, one for "Good" and one for "Bad." List all the things you like and dislike, in the appropriate columns. It is important that you be honest!! When you get done really look them over, and think again about YOU and what it is YOU want, what are your hopes and dreams and goals? Which man do you feel the most comfortable with? Which man do you feel like you can be YOURSELF with? Which man looks like he will be able to fulfil you the most? On their lists, are the "Bad's" longer than the "Good's"? Really analyze this and it will make it clearer to you what you should do. You should also be prepared!!! Because there is a chance that you will lose both of them and end up with neither. This happened to me one time. I was so busy trying to choose between 2 men and I ended up without either one. So just be strong and really think and make the best, most logical decision. I know it isn't easy! Just try to really think with your head rather than your heart.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 7:16am

Honestly, it sounds like the guy you are dating has more maturity in dealing with this relationship then you do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 4:39pm
i decided today i made a list and i would be so foolish not to appreciate my current boyfreind and see what happiness he can bring me so i told fwb i can no longer speak or see him and today we were supposed to meet and i just told him i could not and im feeling ok with that
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-1998
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 9:44pm
Great!! Let me just add one thing though that I forgot to add earlier---when you are done making your lists DESTROY THEM!!!!!! I did not, one time, and one of the men found it!!! Talk about a horrible situation! You don't want a guy to find your list trust me! so when you are all done tear it up. Good luck!