torn in three directions
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| Tue, 10-23-2007 - 5:02am |
I hope this is the best place to post this (terribly long) question. If not, somebody please point me in the right direction.
I've gotten myself into some sticky romantic situations before, but never this bad. Here's what's been happening: After a string of unhealthy relationships ending in Dec 2005, I met a wonderful man (I'll call him Jake) and we became fast friends. It didn't take long for us to fall in love, and everything seemed grand. I realize now that while we were compatible, I was increasingly dependent on him. After a year or so together, little things he did began to annoy me, but not nearly as much as his tendency to sweep under the rug any problems we faced. Admittedly, it was a tough semester for both of us, but I felt more and more trapped and less and less like the person I was and wanted to be.
In June of this year, I went on a study abroad program, and while I missed him the first couple of days and thought of him as I attempted to overcome my fears, my newfound freedom was breathtaking. To make a long story short, I talked with friends on the trip, discussing my concerns about the relationship, and realized it was probably done. Meanwhile, though, I became very close to a male classmate, Devon. The emotional bond we developed, as well as the sexual energy between us, was unlike anything I'd felt before. Because he was still hurting from past breakups, as I was, and I expected I'd face another breakup with Jake in the next couple of months, we agreed to take it slow and see what happened. It didn't happen; we had sex, something which Devon regrets to this day because he feels he should have respected me and Jake enough to hold off. Feeling guilty and wanting more than ever to be single and able to grow as a person without the restraints of a relationship, I decided to break up with Jake sometime in July after I returned to the States. Things were rough with Devon as we attempted to find a way to remain friends without damaging our friendship or the possibility of a relationship some day. Meanwhile, it seemed wrong to me that Jake was anxiously awaiting my return when I wouldn't be coming back the same person. My relationship with Devon, as well as the incredible experiences I had on the trip, were lifechanging. I emailed Jake and told him (truthfully) that I couldn't wait to see him, but that I'd changed a lot. He pressed for clarification, and the message accidentally got across that I was breaking up with him. We ended up breaking up by phone the night I returned to the States -- definitely not the way I wanted this to happen. I'd imagined experiencing singledom and getting to know both men better. I realized it might come to a choice between the two, but I trusted I'd be better able to make that decision at a later time. The terms of my breakup with Jake were not what I hoped, and I felt completely separated from him after all was said and done. In the next couple of months, Devon and I dated and continued a sexual relationship, until we'd evolved into a committed couple. At this point Devon began to pull away...he felt uncertain about the way we'd come into this relationship, and that connected to deep-seated emotional issues he had about his past few relationships, his history of low self-esteem, and the importance of self-preservation and self-improvement to him. The fact that the scheduling of the trip prevented him from receiving GI Bill funds definitely hurt our relationship, because he fell into debt, couldn't find a decent-paying job (our city is notorious for its low number of available jobs), and had to drop out of school, which was extremely important to him. His emotional situation is even more complex than I've made it sound, and while I understand him pretty well, I don't think I could explain it accurately to anyone else. Right now, though, I don't know when I'll see or talk to him again, and the future of our relationship is completely up in the air. Bottom line, according to him, and it seems to me this way too, is that he can't fully love me or devote himself to me until he works through all this. I think about him everyday and miss him terribly. I do love him and recognize that we had something special. But I can take very little solace in that.
As for Jake, I was incorrect about my feelings changing form. In the past week, as he's preoccupied my thoughts, I've come to miss my former best friend more and more, and I've all but convinced myself that when he asked me for a second chance, I was too quick to refuse it to him, too convinced that Devon was better for me. Frankly, the two relationships are incomparable. Since August, when Jake and I talked last, we've avoided each other, and Jake, unable to bear the loneliness, took the advice of his friends and began dating again. He settled for a girl who had shown some interest in him, but who had a history of unhealthy relationships and promiscuous behavior. His friends warned him against the relationship because of the girl's personal history and the fact that she was a rebound. When I went to talk to him a week or so ago, having felt comfortable with seeing him again and missing him, I found out about the new girl (I'll call her Trisha), and immediately felt very jealous. I also felt angry at myself, for my rash decision-making this summer, and concerned because he admitted he'd been sexually involved with Trisha without having her tested (he claims he could tell she was a virgin...I've known Jake to be dense about women at times, but this was ridiculous, and since he changed his story several times, I suspect he's not even sure). I still love Jake, and hate to think he's putting himself in harm's way, emotionally and physically.
In any case, I apologized for hurting him and explained what I'd been thinking about of late, and asked if he'd consider dating me again, making it clear I was talking about a non-sexual relationship in which we could explore what had been wrong with our relationship and if it was fixable. He said no, saying he couldn't think of lessening the terms of his relationship with Trisha, and basically that I lost my chance. That all makes sense, but I still get the feeling he's (a) totally blind about this girl and willing to convince himself of the greatness of that relationship as a way to ward off future (soon, I suspect) heartache or (b) grandstanding and deliberately building up this relationship to hurt me or prove he doesn't need me -- something like that.
And now we come to number 3. At a party last Saturday, I felt surprisingly confident and pretty (I'm normally kind of an insecure wallflower). It worked wonders...I made new friends and reinforced connections with old ones. Having been out of the social scene for most of this semester, it was a refreshing change. Heading to refill my drink, I was stopped by a young man who seemed very taken with me. We hit it off right away, having a lot of the same interests, and he (William) warded off a drunk guy who was hitting on me in a not-so-classy way. We talked for the rest of the party, and finding out we lived in the same apartment complex, he offered to give me a ride home. On the way back, he was talking about a comedian he liked, and I invited him into my place to show me some clips on YouTube. After watching the clips, he kissed me, and I was amazed at how much I enjoyed it. We had really good sex (during which he complimented me lots) -- my first one-night stand -- and the next day we hung out for a few hours. We didn't discuss the sex, and he didn't try to kiss me when we parted. I'm not certain, however, if that's anything to be concerned about. I myself was trying to be reserved and not seem too forward. I'd kinda like to get to know him and maybe go out on a date or two, but I'm okay with being friends who had sex one time.
So, Jake and I are set to discuss the terms of our interaction tomorrow (actually today), and as I said things are uncertain and looking gray with Devon, uncertain and looking sunnier with William. At this point, I'm so weary with the pain of giving up Jake and losing Devon that I'd rather be single with maybe a couple of people I occasionally go out with. It seems to me it would be better for me to hope that William is still interested rather than hoping to fix a relationship with Jake and/or someday get back with Devon. I don't want to leave the dating scene entirely, and in a sense Jake's friends were right, that casual dating can help one overcome the grief of a lost love. I'm not certain how to act, since I've never had a 1-night stand before, and because I like him a lot. But new friend or not, the pain over Devon and Jake is immense. Do you have advice on how I can deal with my uncertainties, and maybe a perspective on what the best course of action for me is?

What a convoluted situation. No wonder you're confused.
Has it perhaps crossed your mind that maybe none of these guys are right for you? Or that if you try to stick with one, your mind will wander to another? OR... maybe... That being in a serious relationship is a bit much to ask of yourself right now?
It seems you have been judging whether or not someone is the right man for you based on how much you miss them. I think that's erroneous.
I think you need to step back and take a break from seeing any of these guys. Once relationships start to overlap and entangle, you need to understand that the only person who can untangle the mess is you.
Welcome to the board markednotpure,
I agree with the previous poster.....
I would also recommend you read Are You The One For Me? Barbara DeAngelis
::should still leave myself open to love
Always.