torn......i just don't know

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2008
torn......i just don't know
4
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 12:40pm

i posted a few weeks ago about my husband being depressed and asking for a separation. a lot has come out in the last few weeks. he says he feels some resentment toward me over his son, because his son used me as the excuse of why he didn't want to live with his dad. my husband says he knows it wasn't all my fault but there's that "maybe" in the back of his mind.


my husband says he wants to let me go so i can be happy, he wants me to find someone who will love me and treat me the way i deserve to be treated. we have had our ups and downs, mostly related to the situation with his child. yes, my husband has treated me badly over it. now he just seems numb. and he knows that i want affection and a loving relationship and he just can't give it to me right now. he says he will be hurt and sad if i find someone else because that will mean that i will have to cut all ties with him, but that he will be happy because he did one thing right in his life and wasn't a complete failure at everything.


i understand his point, and there are times when it seems like i should just move on. but i love him and i miss him. how can two people love each other so much but have to live apart? on one hand i want to give him what he seems to need, but on the other hand i just want to fight for what i feel is right, and i don't want to give up on him. i just don't know what to do.


he won't do counseling. he won't do meds for his depression. i love him but if he isn't gonna help himself, how am i supposed to help him? and how long to do i hold on until i just let him go?

Brooke (TTC#2 since 2000-male infertility)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 6:12pm

I'm so sorry. I wish it didn't come to this. But the next step is divorce.

Hon, he doesn't have an interest in changing. You know this. There is a big part of him that WANTS to stay depressed and refuses medication.

When a man ever says to you "you deserve better and you should leave" - you need to take him seriously and do it, because it is one of the very few things that men can only say out of complete honesty and respect for your well-being.

Again, I'm terribly sorry. If he wanted to change then there would be hope but he's ushering you out the door because he doesn't want to subject you to the kind of life he's chosen to lead.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 7:03pm

Hi fsmommy,


Reading material to consider:


I Don't Want to Talk about It: Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, by Terrence Real


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-16-2008
Sun, 03-09-2008 - 10:37pm

thanks you two. this has been going on for a few weeks now and this weekend was particularly difficult for some reason.


i feel really bad just giving up on him. that's just not the way i am. but i know that in order to keep myself sane, that's probably what i'm going to have to do.


everyone tells me that i'm young and attractive, with a good education and a good job. i know i have been a good wife to him. despite that, i feel like such a failure. i know it isn't my fault, yet the hurt is so intense.

Brooke (TTC#2 since 2000-male infertility)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 03-10-2008 - 4:58pm

Tell him that you love him and want to work on things, but that he has to be willing to help himself first and that if he can't do that than you can't watch him self destruct.