tossed up in long distance

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2008
tossed up in long distance
4
Sat, 09-20-2008 - 10:28pm
My boyfriend and I have been together long distance for a year and half. We are three hours away from each other; he owns a house and I rent a condo. We only see each other on some weekends, and the past few months have been seemingly harder to cope with in our relationship due to the distance. Marriage has come up, but we both have completely different views. He wants me to move in with him, to ensure that we can live together, in real everyday life. He is not going to propose until he feels he knows for sure. I, on the other hand, refuse to move in without a commitment. If we lived in the same town, I'd move in, but in this case, I'd be giving up a solid, secure job and a life by the beach. Plus, finding a job in his small town is nearly impossible for me. We love each other, but I don't know how much longer we can go on separated. Does anyone have suggestions as to what I should do?
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 11:27am

Stop a moment and see what you're saying. It sounds to me as though you are very happy in your home, near the beach and in a job you love. You also say that it would be hard to find the kind of job you want in his area. These are very important points. Life includes more than a relationship, it includes an entire way of life. If you give everything up and can't do what's important to you, the relationship will certainly suffer. Two people can love one another, but if they don't both want the same things - and both can't agree upon a place to live where both will be happy, the relationship can't work. Love is not enough. Mutual goals, direction, understanding and lifestyle also matter a great deal.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sun, 09-21-2008 - 8:01pm

I agree completely with Dr. Shoshanna.

I also want to add that if you can't see moving or changing jobs to pursue your love, let alone compromise on your living together beliefs, then you obviously do not love him enough to marry him. Same goes for him if he can't make a sacrifice for you either.

Unless getting married and living 3 hours apart forever sounds like a good idea, this relationship is probably not going to get to the next level.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 09-22-2008 - 4:21pm

Welcome to the board dac22,


Even if he proposed and you moved in, you would still be giving up your way of life and everything you like about it. If things didn't work out, could you move back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2008
Wed, 09-24-2008 - 8:03pm
Thanks for your help! : )