totally confused
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totally confused
| Sat, 04-03-2004 - 8:35am |
My life is in a real mess at the moment, and I just don't know what to do . I've been M for 10 years, have 3 great kids, aged between 3 and 9, and am desperately unhappy. My M has been going down the tubes for the last year or so, we are continually sniping at each other about everything, theres a lot of resentment between us, and our sex life is not good either. I don't work - kids are too young, so don't even have that reprieve. I've been really making an effort for the last few months to change things between us - H tries to change things and makes an effort for a few days, then everything slips back how it was. I feel the only things my H wants me for are cooking, cleaning and sex. I've tried to explain this to him but he denies it and says I mean more to him than that. The last few weeks have been the worst, and the best, in ages. I have taken a real stand against him, and have not put up with his sniping and digs, I've also made the effort to start going out with friends, just like he has been saying I should do for ages. I've taken up squash too. One friend in particular has been very good to me, and I have to confess I have slept with him once in the last few weeks - he was married, is no longer, but knows I am and has said we can just have a bit of fun together without any pressure and go back to being friends whenever either of us want to. I know this is wrong and not the way out of an already muddled situation, but I wanted to, he wanted to and we probably will again though I am terrified what would happen if my H every found out. This has all helped make me much more positive about myself, but H now says it is too much of a change, and that he will take a while to get used to it, if he ever does. I don't want to stop going out etc (its only a couple of times a week). I've suggested we do more things together but with babysitters etc, its very difficult, also everything I suggest, my H doesn't want to even try. It got to the stage last night where I told him if things continued as they were I wanted out. This shocked him and he has promised to try and change things, but the problem is I don't really believe they will change long term, and I'm starting to wonder if I really want to carry on with my M. I'm really scared about what would happen to me and my kids if it did come to us splitting up. My H would do everything in his power to ensure I ended up with virtually nothing, and would be very vindictive about it all. This really worries me, especially as I don't work and have no independant finances, as what would happen to the kids? I don't want them to feel torn between us, but I also don't think its healthy for them the way things are at the moment. Should I stay, stop asserting myself and accept that this is all I will ever have, or should I really consider leaving if things don't improve?

The grass is not greener. This other guy has made it clear it's only a fling. You need to remove yourself from temptation and work on your issues. Have you through this through? Child custody, working to provide for yourself when you ask him to move out, visitation schedule, how it will affect your children's lives, etc?
Carrie
I don't know whether to continue with my M, if it can actually be saved, or to split. I am terrified as to what would happen with the kids/custody/finances etc as I know my H would be as vindictive as possible and leave me with as little as he could get away with. I know sleeping with my friend was stupid, but it is the only time I have been truly happy in the last few weeks. My life can't be meant to be miserable all the time can it?
First, do you have insurance with a small copay that would go unnoticed if you paid cash?
Second, there is 'free' counseling avaliable through the County you live in (if you are in the US) check the white pages under "county of" Health Care - either Mental Health or Psych.
Third, are you ready to leave this guy? I don't think you can do it without support. So, personally, I'd gather all the info I could - make an appt with an attorney (first visit is usually free), find out what your rights are.
Consider calling 1-800- 977-SAFE not because you need to go to a shelter, but because they could give you a number in your area so you can get together with a good support group. Explain that you have a controlling husband, you are afraid of him, and that he's manipulative AND emotionally/mentally abusive.
::::I have asked my H to go for counselling in the past, several times, but he refuses and says it is not needed. He has also told me I cannot go on my own as he doesn't want our private lives discussed with a stranger, and that if we have problems (which he doesn't really think we do), we will sort them out ourself.
Have you considered saying: I have an appt on such and such date, because if I don't go talk to someone I'm going to end this marriage without trying everything. (you will get his attention, are you ready for it?)
Sorry you have to go through this.
Carrie