totally confused and completely scared..

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
totally confused and completely scared..
14
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 9:07pm

I'm trying to figure out a situation in my relationship and I am having a hard time seeing it clearly.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Tue, 11-25-2003 - 11:14pm
Vicki-

Do you mind if I tell you to relax and give the man a break?

Job loss is a killer these days, and getting another well-paying job (or any job!) is becoming almost impossible.

I admire this man for swallowing his pride and taking *any* job (at less pay) to support his children. That, in my opinion, is something to respect. That shows he is indeed a MAN.

When you spoke up about your feeling of distance, he clearly told you: I don't know what is confusing about that. That's admirable.

< What is the best way for me to deal with this situation? >

If you love him- LOVE HIM! Be supportive, take his calls for goodness sake, respect what he's trying to do (feed the family), be encouraging, understand that this is hard for HIM as a MAN and he is doing his best, admire him, treat him with dignity.

Sorry Vicki, but don't take it personally- this is NOT about you-- this is about a man who lost his job, took a crappy job to make ends meet, is struggling, stressed, and doing his best. If you truly LOVE HIM, then ride out the storm by being his FRIEND too.

I must say, given the current economic circumstances, he has my full respect and support. Now YOU go be his cheerleader. If you can't do that, then let him go.

Warm regards.

Avatar for goldiegrrrrl
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Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 12:08am

Thank you very much for the feedback.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 3:05am
He is not giving you the attention you want because you aren't a priority to him right now, and he has already told you this. Do I think it's right? No. Do I think you are being irrational? No. I also don't think it's fair or right that you are his cheerleader when he needs some backup, but he isn't willing to be there for you when you need it. Sounds a little bit one-sided to me. Granted, I feel as though some of his priorities are in the right place (he HAS to work and feed his children 1st!), but it's not impossible to make ends meet, take care of responsibilities, and still be able to pick up the phone for 2-6 minutes a day to tell your girlfriend that you love her and are thinking about her. He has already told you that he isn't willing to put effort into this relationship right now, and it's up to you to decide if you want to be with a man like this long-term. If I am someone's SO, I want to know that they will always be there no matter what, even if life does throw them a crappy hand of cards or things get ugly. I don't ever want to feel like he could either take me or leave me- and that is how your man is acting. I just think if he really valued this relationship and wanted it to last, he would nurture it and *make* time for you, even if it was only a phone call for two minutes. He isn't doing those things because he doesn't want to. That is what hurts so much. I don't think you are being selfish at all, and I would be upset if I were in your position too. It's not like you are asking for much hun. The next time you talk to him, let him know how you feel, and tell him that he can't just love you and be there for you when it's convenient- he has to do all of those things even if it's not convenient. If he thinks you are just being selfish or if things don't change, I advise you to end things with him. I really don't see what else you can do. You can't make him want the same things as you do, and you surely can't make him value you more. You deserve to be with someone who reciprocates your feelings, not only verbally, but with their actions (much more important than words ANY DAY!). Let us know how things go, and I am so sorry that you are going through this. Been there done that, and unfortunately, I had to let him go because I needed more than what he could give me.
Avatar for goldiegrrrrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 11:05am

i_emgoddez,


Thank you so much for your response!

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 11:23am
From my perspective - it appears to me that he is totally frustrated with his life right now and his job situation. I have no idea what is salary was before his lay off, but to only bring home 2/3 of it and still have the same amount of financial responsibility as before - has to be completely overwhelming at times, not to mention stressful. And who is to say that his ex-wife is being sympathetic to his situation? She might be jaded and thinking "I don't care, you are still paying for these kids." Who knows...

Clearly, you admitted that you were being spiteful in trying to "ignore" his calls, but my question to you is - do you think that you are being selfish as well? The fact that he is not as available as he use to be because of his situation and that you have a problem with that - has the connotations of you being perceived as selfish. What I am saying is that perhaps your way of thinking should change - he is not distancing himself from you because he wants to, but because he has to for work & his children.

And to answer your question - yes, I do think that he is avoiding you to some extent because you are just being too agressive in wanting to talk and make sure that your relationship is in tact. He has enough stress in his life without the needy girlfriend who wants her fair share of time spent.

And another question - you say that both of you lost your jobs? Why isn't your concern about your own financial well-being? Were you fortunate enough to find another job at the same level of pay that you were receiving at your previous place of employment? If so, great, glad to hear. If not, then you should be more than sympathetic to his situation. At this point, I really think that you need to just lighten up, stop being soo demanding and let him come to you when he is ready to come to you and not when you want him to. If you keep pushing the way you are now, I suspect that he will end it because he just can't deal with this additional, not to mention, unneccessary pressure at this point.

Good luck....

Avatar for goldiegrrrrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 11:45am

wow.....Okay...I'm sort of taking that all in....


As I mentioned before, I'm always open to constructive criticism.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 12:35pm
Since he is making less he should petition the courts to lower his child support.

Your feelings are your feelings. If you are in a committed relationship, then him pulling away, no matter how much stress he is under is not healthy to the relationship. Couples that share through this kind of thing, usually get stronger. So either his self-esteem is so low that he's embarassed, wanting to *recover* on his own, without any support from you....well, it's sad for both of you. It's about communicating and sharing. You already know you can't make him want to share the burdens of his life.

I say give him his space. But soon there will come a time when you will have to decide if waiting is right for you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 12:49pm

this SOUNDS Like a great guy, who is very mature, who thinks that its very important to pay bills and support his children by working hard at a job that may be below his normal level. what is wrong with that?


you complain that he doesn't give you the time and attention you want. but then when he does find the time (and he IS understand pressure here) then you complain, and play passive-agressive games. so why would he choose to spend the precious few minutes he has with you?


If this is how things were for the entire length of the relatinship - then ok, you have a point. but it sounds like he is going thru a crisis and you are not able to be supportive. and yes, maybe he is not/was not supportive of you when you needed it. so ---- either you have a bad relationship,or you have the basis for a good relationship but you may need some outside help...

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 2:11pm
Vicki-

I'm really sorry to hear about the situation you and he are facing. It's so hard these days to have any sense of job security, or find any relief from the struggles. So many people have lost jobs, are now either unemployed, or in his case, under-employed.

It must be so stressful to you as well- on one hand he IS doing the right thing; on the other hand, alittle attention and support for YOU would be nice!

Please don't feel anyone here is being judgmental or attacking you personally- I read through the posts, and found caring words, and also some "reality-check" kind of postings. After reading your follow-up post, I had a clearer idea of what you must be facing, so I would possibly modify what I originally wrote.

I'm sure we ALL know someone who has experienced, or have gone through it ourselves, a job loss, a lay-off, having to take a low-paying job to survive. It really sucks.

Like the other poster, I too had been there, done that, broke up, moved on, met someone in a similar situation, tried to help, but was much wiser the second time-- I knew I couldn't be responsible or offer much more support for another person when I myself was facing a financial struggle.

What I learned was: I had been so busy taking care of HIS (man#1) needs, that I didn't focus on solving my own problems. Once he left for greener pastures (and another woman who could support him) I was still out of a job. I should have put all that time and effort and worry and emotions into making something for ME.

The second time, I helped man#2 with resumes, helped him with some simple job searches- but then stopped. I refused to get emotionally involved with him, or consider ANY sort of future with at that time. It was up to HIM. Ironically enough, he too found another woman to move in with and support him. I thought he was a jerk, but at least I didn't get sucked into HIS chaotic life, and had continued with my OWN life.

I don't know what to tell you, except yes-- it's hard. It sucks. It's not fair!

Warm Regards.

Avatar for goldiegrrrrl
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 11-26-2003 - 7:44pm

Thank you very much for

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