Tough situation gotten tougher

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tough situation gotten tougher
1
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 12:35am
My special guy and I have been close friends for the past 7 years and pretty much dating the past 2 and a half. I say pretty much because 2 of those years were spent long distance and he was working a horrible job 10+ hours a day that was very stressful to him. Now we live in the same city and it seems like things have slowly been improving. We both have new jobs, we live 5 minutes away from eachother and he's been less reserved. He tends to hide/shut down/ work a TON when things are rough for him which means we pretty much have no relationship when that happens. That's been going on a lot since we started dating. Family illnesses, stressful job, health problems keep cropping up on him.

He hadn't returned my phone calls for a couple of days so I went over to his place last night and towards the end of the night he confided that his mom just got diagnosed with cancer. I know better than to make him talk about it, and I know he knows he can talk to me if he needs to, but I have this sinking feeling that he is going to go into hiding again. Tonight we had plans at my place and he didn't show up. My guess is that he was working late again at his new job... diving into his work because times are rough again. I'm angry but do I have a right to be? He's going through something very tough.

I want to be supportive because I feel for what he is going through, but it doesn't seem that he wants my support and that makes me sad. I love him very much and he loves me too. I'm just scared that I'm going to lose him somehow.

Does anyone have any ideas on how to handle this situation?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Sat, 06-05-2004 - 2:56am


The methods of coping for a man and a woman are very different. Us women love to "talk about things" until we're blue in the face. We talk to our family members, friends, boyfriends, husbands, etc. On the other hand, most (but not all) men do not really have a need to talk about things like we do. Furthermore, seeking "HELP" from someone (through talking or whatever) is kind of like an insult to their masculinity. They feel that they should solve/handle/deal with their problems ON THEIR OWN.

The mistake that many women make is that they try to give men the type of support that they themselves would like to receive. When a man doesn't respond to this support, the woman gets frustrated, and feels that she is incapable of doing anything that would make him feel better/console him. Eventually, she might even think that he doesn't love her (just because he doesn't respond to her attempts at consoling/supporting him).

Give your man some space. This is his way of dealing, of coping. This is what works for him. Let him do his thing. Work distracts him from the issues. When he is with you, and you try to give him support by talking about things, it only reminds him of the issues-- and he does not want to be reminded of them. Remember, men and women have different needs. And it is important to respect them.

ONE LAST THING:

It's VERY messed up of him to tell you that he'll be at your place and then not show up. I'd be pissed! Is it so difficult for him to make a phonecall and say that he won't be able to make it!?


Best of luck.