Transition Confusion

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2008
Transition Confusion
Sun, 08-04-2013 - 2:14am

Hello

I could use some insight from a woman's view and relationships in transition.  My GF and I have had complicated long-distance relationship for the past few years - started together then she had a move for a job and we did the long-distance thing, with a few months where she was on sabatical and were together. 

The past year we've known about a move for her to a new job/city and I've said I'm wiling to relo to but would need a bit of time to transition.  The city doesnt have any immediate work for me but could find something with a bit of search.  

What's confusing is we've talked about the transition and now that it's in swing, (she's there and I'll be there next weekend for the first time), things became really different.  Instead of talking multiple times a day on IM and phone, it's silence - perhaps a call once in the middle of the day, but nothing like before.  When I asked and pressed to get info, she told me that this is not what she wanted - she had a different view of how the move would go and we would have done it together and she is upset/hurt that she's doing the move alone. We've struggled in the past with communications - when she is hurt what show's up is anger, she has pressed for things she wants and I've decribed what I can do - sometimes her wants/my capabilities dont match.

Two weeks ago we had a discussion which led to her saying she didnt want to talk for the next 2 weeks because she is angry the way the move is working and it's not how she wanted it.  (one other point that I'm sure is a factor but hard to know how much, is she told people in the new town that I would be moving there and didnt set expectations on timing, etc. and believe the lack of my being there causes her some embarrassment).  She has also been clear on wanting to be married for quite sometime, I've had concerns because of our lack of communications and pressure that "we should just do it" even though I'm often on the receiving end of anger.  Why this matters is I think she put deadlines in her mind about being engaged/married and those passed; she's expressed that things are not going to be the same since she's moved - I took this to mean I needed to visit more often than before and I'm willing to do this and have let her know as much.

I've had some complications with work and am able to make my first trip next weekend.  (The transition just occured the 4th of July so it's a bit more than a month in total).  We've struggled in the past with communications - when she is hurt what show's up is anger, she has pressed for things she wants and I've decribed what I can do - sometimes her wants/my capabilities dont match.

The crux of the sitiuation and question is what feelings could she be having that makes not communicating a good option - it's killing me with anxiety and love withdrawl.  

If she was out of the relationship all together, I would expect she would tell me not to come visit this weekend - she knows I'm coming and has not said there's no reason to make the trip.  I'd like to ask where she is/what she's thinking but wanting to respect the radio silence that she's saying she wants.  So, I'm asking for your help and insight on what feelings she may be having and how best to help when there next weekend - also would appreciate any thoughts on why the request for not communicating