trapped and losing myself

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
trapped and losing myself
6
Sat, 04-26-2008 - 7:53pm
My fiance and I have had a wonderful relationship for the past 4 1/2 years. All of the sudden he springs this letter on me the week after we started planning our wedding that he's unhappy for a variety of reasons...most easily fixed. All he had to do was talking to me and emphasize how important these things were to him. The tone of the letter seemed to me to be hurtful and angry and he said he wanted to sleep on the couch for awhile until he felt better. In short, the letter hurt me very badly and I was worried that he was trying to leave me because he said things like "If you can't wait for me to feel better, I understand". It just seemed to me like he was trying to get me to leave him so he didn't have to make the decision. I freaked, panicked, and cried. I was so lost and confused I wasn't sure what to do. Unfortunately instead of giving him space like he asked I pretty much just bombarded him with questions and crying and anger. I just couldn't understand how he could let me start planning his wedding if he was so unhappy. I don't know how he expected me to act, but apparently he wasn't expecting the way I did act and he decided to go stay with his friend. He left me another note. "If I didn't love you so much, it would be over, I really need my space, leave me alone, etc." I know I was being clingy, but he just pulled the rug out from underneath me! He's the love of my life and we've always discussed everything, but he just bottled this all up! Now I didn't mention this yet, but we have a 9 month old son. So he's left me and wants to come visit my son every day while I anguish and get no space of my own because he's only here when he wants to be. Every time he visits, I explode. He is still not getting his space apparently because I freak out on him. I feel that if he's not getting his space, he should stop visiting, but I don't want to hurt my son like that. He loves his daddy. I don't want him to visit anyway, because every time I see his face my heart is ripped out anew. He seems depressed to me, but he won't see a therapist and he agreed today (finally!) to see a marriage counselor, but not if I find one online..only if his gram finds one for us (she's a drug and alcohol counselor) and he doesn't actually want to see one. He thinks his brain is too complicated for any kind of therapist (whatever). Anyway, when I'm angry I hate him and I want to leave him, when I'm not I just feel like being clingy because I want him back so badly...I'm desperate. I've tried fixing what I need to fix and he said I was doing it for him and not for me, so it was the wrong reason. Everyone keeps telling me to give him space to figure things out...I can't just hang here in limbo while he does whatever it is he's doing! It's driving me insane and it hurts! The situation is not good for either of us and it's definitely bad for our son. I'm to the point where I'd rather him leave and never come back than be doing this to us. Please help me!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 04-26-2008 - 10:33pm
I really, really, really think you should cut your losses here. He doesn't really want to marry you, instead the thought of being with you forever has caused him to want to distance himself more. I just don't see him making that commitment to you and with a son already, you deserve it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Sat, 04-26-2008 - 10:58pm
i'm taking your advice, i just caught him cheating on me...i'm still in too much shock to cry
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Sat, 04-26-2008 - 11:14pm
I'm so sorry...
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 04-26-2008 - 11:47pm

Welcome to the board naturemommy19,


Wow, I was going to give you this to read: When he asks for space (aka, "a break") - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22130.1


UNTIL you said you caught him cheating.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 5:05am

I'm going to answer anyway, cheating or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2007
Sun, 04-27-2008 - 7:40am
i just want you to know that i'm not angry about your post at all. I can absolutely understand how you can assume all those things about me. first of all i am 23 and i am a young mother, i know this. but the reason i felt all those things is because our relationship has always been about discussion and compromise. we don't ever yell at each other, that was one of the important things that held us together for so long. that is why i freaked out when he just dumped this on my head all at once. second, i would never use my son as a weapon. i love him way too much for that and his happiness will always come before mine. i know he needs his daddy and he loves his daddy. i would never take that from him. what his dad decides to do now that i know is his choice, however i will try to urge him to make the right decision...to visit our son of course. i know that he is OUR son, i still call him that. next, i don't know what's going to happen yet. he hasn't even called me back, but i'm not going to try to hurt him either. he may have betrayed me in the worst possible way (i even asked him flat out the other day and he wrote me a long letter about why he wouldn't cheat on me...things are so much easier to make convincing in a letter), but i still love him too. I don't know what i'm going to do yet. i may be a fool, but i love him and i want to hold our family together. i think he wants that too...i think that's why he kept me in the dark, we just need to figure out if it works out that way...i don't know, i hope so, but i guess we'll see.