trapped and losing myself
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trapped and losing myself
| Sat, 04-26-2008 - 7:53pm |
My fiance and I have had a wonderful relationship for the past 4 1/2 years. All of the sudden he springs this letter on me the week after we started planning our wedding that he's unhappy for a variety of reasons...most easily fixed. All he had to do was talking to me and emphasize how important these things were to him. The tone of the letter seemed to me to be hurtful and angry and he said he wanted to sleep on the couch for awhile until he felt better. In short, the letter hurt me very badly and I was worried that he was trying to leave me because he said things like "If you can't wait for me to feel better, I understand". It just seemed to me like he was trying to get me to leave him so he didn't have to make the decision. I freaked, panicked, and cried. I was so lost and confused I wasn't sure what to do. Unfortunately instead of giving him space like he asked I pretty much just bombarded him with questions and crying and anger. I just couldn't understand how he could let me start planning his wedding if he was so unhappy. I don't know how he expected me to act, but apparently he wasn't expecting the way I did act and he decided to go stay with his friend. He left me another note. "If I didn't love you so much, it would be over, I really need my space, leave me alone, etc." I know I was being clingy, but he just pulled the rug out from underneath me! He's the love of my life and we've always discussed everything, but he just bottled this all up! Now I didn't mention this yet, but we have a 9 month old son. So he's left me and wants to come visit my son every day while I anguish and get no space of my own because he's only here when he wants to be. Every time he visits, I explode. He is still not getting his space apparently because I freak out on him. I feel that if he's not getting his space, he should stop visiting, but I don't want to hurt my son like that. He loves his daddy. I don't want him to visit anyway, because every time I see his face my heart is ripped out anew. He seems depressed to me, but he won't see a therapist and he agreed today (finally!) to see a marriage counselor, but not if I find one online..only if his gram finds one for us (she's a drug and alcohol counselor) and he doesn't actually want to see one. He thinks his brain is too complicated for any kind of therapist (whatever). Anyway, when I'm angry I hate him and I want to leave him, when I'm not I just feel like being clingy because I want him back so badly...I'm desperate. I've tried fixing what I need to fix and he said I was doing it for him and not for me, so it was the wrong reason. Everyone keeps telling me to give him space to figure things out...I can't just hang here in limbo while he does whatever it is he's doing! It's driving me insane and it hurts! The situation is not good for either of us and it's definitely bad for our son. I'm to the point where I'd rather him leave and never come back than be doing this to us. Please help me!

Welcome to the board naturemommy19,
Wow, I was going to give you this to read: When he asks for space (aka, "a break") - http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlbreaking&msg=22130.1
UNTIL you said you caught him cheating.
I'm going to answer anyway, cheating or not.