Trapped In Unfaithful Relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Trapped In Unfaithful Relationship
9
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 9:02pm
Hello,

I was wondering if someone out there can read my story and give me some words of advice and encouragement.


I've been married for about 9 years. And just recently I discovered my husbands infedility with someone that use to work with him. He said that they had been together for awhile now and that she was more than I will ever be. I feel so betrayed and so unwanted I can't even begin to explain my emotion. We have two beautiful children ages 8 and 3 and I can't explain to myself what I did wrong to deserve such a blow. I love him with all my heart and everyday he comes home finding excuses to make me feel like it was my fault for the cheating and everyday he speaks with her on his cell phone in front of me and the kids as if we don't even excist. I'm at the end of my rope. He says he doesn't want to have anything to do with me and that he loves me in a way that he can't ever possibly love her, but yet he said he loved her and still tries to have sex with me and acts like nothing's going on between us. He said they have been together for a little over a year now.

I don't know how to heal from this. I can't bring myself to even begin to explain what happened and why he's still here.


HELP!!!!!!!!!


Sincerely,

prprincess95

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-31-2003
Thu, 05-13-2004 - 9:09pm

You need to do what feels right to you...


Who cares what he says and tries to say to you now? Can you handle that he said that he loves her, has been with her for over a year? You need to make a decision on if you want to move forward with him or not. Whatever his promises are (or lack of promises are) for the future, it doesn't matter. It matters what is in your heart, what is in your mind, and what is in your soul. Not only did he have a full-on affair with someone else for a year, but he said very hurtful things to you. What kind of man is he? The one thing you aren't, is TRAPPED. You are your own person, and have the power to move on.


There is a really good board that iVillage has that I recommend. You may find someone on there that can really help you as they've gone through similar things...


Betrayed Spouses Support

 

-amy-    "CL-fiesty"

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 1:46pm
I agree with Amy, post on those other two boards, you will get a ton of support.

The next thing I recommend is that you get yourself to counseling. It will give you a safe place to vent your emotions, help you decide what you want, teach you set boundaries with your husbands INAPPROPRIATE behavior and help you build your self-esteem.

YOU are NOT LESS THAN because of his affair, choices, decision, actions, behavior. He's the one putting his family at risk. He's the one that is wrong.

Personally, I'd kick him out and not allow him to have his cake and eat it too.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 05-16-2004 - 3:23am

hi and hugs.


YOU did nothing wrong, and your husband is not only guilty of cheating on you, but now he is trying to put the blame on you. that is plain MEAN and downright ABUSIVE. the cheating is bad enuf - but at least be man enuf to own up and take responsibility for it!


I would also suggest you go to the other boards, as well as "surviving divorce" (I also post there) where you will get some practical advice and support.


Please - get yourself some help, seek counseling for yourself and your children. not that you did anything wrong here, but the fact that you are continuing to put up with his behavior, and the fact that he is continuning along his merry way is affecting you and affecting your children (and don't tell me that they are too young to understand - they are affected by all the tension).


i would also strongly advice you to seek legal counseling. i understand that you love him and want to be with him ---- but you NEED TO protect yourself and your children. you can't "force" him to stay with you, and if he does walk out, you want to make sure that you are protected in terms of money. no, not very romantic, but trust me - you DO NEED the money. and i betcha anything that your husband has already taken steps to protect himself - moneywise.


i know how much this is hurting you

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:47pm
Thank you so much for your support and concern. I really feel lost, not in a victim kind of way but that I can't figure out why this had to happen. I will however take your advice and post my story on those boards and we shall see what happens there.


Thanks again.

prprincess95

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:51pm
Thank you so much for you kind words of support. You have now idea the hell I've been living with for the past two months. I will go to those boards and post my story and hopefully something good will come from that so that someday I can feel better about myself.


Sincerely,

prprincess95

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-18-2004
Mon, 05-17-2004 - 9:54pm
Thank you for your wonderfull support. I will let you know that I have an attorney and my finances are well taken care of if and when he decides to leave or when I leave. I don't know sometimes I just can't help that it's my fault for neglecting something in our relationship, but then I snap back into reality and realize that I'm a good woman and it's his loss for being stupid.


Thanks for everything.

prprincess95

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2003
Tue, 05-18-2004 - 1:15pm
NOTHING that you did or didnt do in your relationship CAUSED him to be a cheater and a liar. HE is a grown man who is responsable for his own actions. NO matter WHAT you did, if he didnt want to be with you or needed more in a relationship or was having any problems, then he should have came to you with them. You two together should have been working on whatever problems he says there is. If it was determined then that he wasnt happy and didnt want it to work, THEN he could leave, file for divorce and be free to have this women. Only then.

I also encourage you to check out the other boards. There are certain steps you need to take if you wish to save this marriage. There are certain rules he is going to have to live by. First of all, you need to know if he WANTS to save this marriage. If so,he needs to "break up" with is girly girl friend. NO CONTACT with her at all!!! Then counseling, etc. It will take work and time and it will be painful!!! But it can be done if you BOTH want too!!

I wish you luck - I have been in your shoes!!! My e-husband is STILL denying that he was screwing around. He is living with the ow and her son (had been since i left over 2yrs ago) NOW shes pregnant. She also resembles me physically BUT she is 10 yrs younger. She moved in the week i moved out. TRASH - Both of them!!!

Take care

PlayNICE

PlayNICE

 

I am co cl for "Ask Dr. Ruth" board. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 12:52pm
I feel so sorry for you and your children. Your husband does not deserve you. Please get a lawyer and make sure you take care or your financial business. Get the support you need to take care of yourself. This guy is not worth your pain. The sooner you get rid of him the sooner you can get your life back on track.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-19-2004 - 1:01pm

Well, first of all, this is a complicated situation and a very hurtful one and I strongly suggest you seek some professional help with it - a well trained therapist will assist in focussing upon the realities here. Your husband is in denial - and when there's denial there's no way to heal. Healing comes from his recongizing his wrong doing, understanding the reasons that led to it, and firmly choosing not to continue in such a way. No woman can have self respect with a husband having an affair with another in such a open, cruel and disrespectful manner. Actually, though you are hurting, it is his problem that has caused this. His behavior does not mean that you are not worthy and loveable. It means that something in him has snapped. He's out of touch with what he's doing. He's the one who needs plenty of help. I don't know if he would be willing to face that right now, which is why I suggest you get yourself help, and be guided