Traveling all the time
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| Wed, 08-22-2012 - 10:14am |
I'm not sure what to do. I'm not sure there is anything that can be done, I guess maybe I just need to vent. I have been with my BF for three years. We have lived together for about a year and half and just bought a house together last month. We do have plans to get married. Everything between us has been good. The issue now is his job. When he was promoted last year we knew there would be some travel. Being honest it took some adjustment for me because I enjoyed our life of him home every night after work. But he only traveled a week a month and that was ok. But for the past three months he has been gone every week, home only on the weekends. We did have a week of vacation and then last week he told them he was working in town. So I've had two weeks in the past three months. There is no end in sight for this. It isn't like I can say that I only have to deal with this issue for X amount of time and then things return to normal. As long as he has this job it will probably be this way. He complains to me about all the travel now but yet he won't talk to his boss to try and resolve it. He says it won't make any difference. He has been talking to a few of his business colleagues in town about starting their own company but that doesn't seem to be making any progress. I'm not blaming him and I understand it is his job and he isn't just choosing to be gone. I understand he doesn't enjoy it either and wants to be home. Regardless of the fact that I understand, I am not happy. I feel this resentment and anger inside me. I know how this works. The longer I feel this way the more I'm going to feel disconnected with him. I'm tired of texting and having a phone relationship. I find myself with nothing to say anymore when he calls. I'm trying to be ok, but I'm just not. Of course we have talked and he understands how hard it is for me. Doesn't change the situation though and doesn't make me feel any better. I feel like what is even the point of being together in this relationship if he isn't really ever here to share a life with me. I'm left to take care of everything at home. He tries to do as much as he can on the weekend and play catch up from being gone all week. I try to think others have it much harder... military wives for example. But I didn't go into this relationship knowing things would be this way. I just feel so angry things are like this when we were happy and things were great before.
Abby
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I do think that he has to at least talk to his boss and not say "it wouldn't matter." If he took this positiion being told it was occasional travel & then it turned into constant travel, he needs to speak up. I know on job posting boards they always say how much travel is required. He should know what the previous employee in this job was required to do--was he traveling all the time or just 1 week a month? Have the duties of the job changed? Have they laid off employees so know he is donig the work of 2 people? Is there anyone else who could share the duties? I think if you had more knowledge about this issue you would see if there really is anything he can do or not--plus you should see if the "plan to start a company" is an actual plan or he's really just talking about it.
I know my cousin's DH (who has been married 30 yrs) works for the state and they had some issue w/ being audited by the federal gov't which made him work constant OT--like he was working 7 days a week for months & basically only came home to sleep. It was totally stressing him out too and of course he was exhausted. After some time, he did tell his boss that he just couldn't physically do that amt. of work any more and he was not going to work so many hours. Oh and being a state employee on salary he probably wasn't even getting OT pay. But she did stuff to keep herself busy & you need to do that too. when he's gone, do you just sit home every night? Start going to the gym, call your girlfriends, visit your mother--then you will have stuff to talk about.
Not sure what kind of work the OP's BF does, but speaking from someone who travels a lot for work (away from home three out of four weeks this month), for the most part it is not a good idea to tag along on business trips. When I am traveling, I usually work long hours and sometimes have business dinners. It is unprofessional to have a SO tag along. Even when I get back in my hotel room, there is always more work.
While it is not fun to be left alone at home, it beats being left alone in a cramped hotel room.
I see this more as a problem in expectations and communication than just being gone all the time. These days people change jobs, either by choice or necessity, all the time. It is unrealistic to expect a partner to maintain the same kind of work schedule forever. It is not cool, however, that the OP's BF did not even attempt to work out some sort of compromise with his boss and/or the OP.
Its definitely not ideal,but it can be managed. And I wouldnt necessarily pressure your bf to talk to his boss about the traveling.
I would suggest you two come up with things you can do together,even while he is traveling. So you can maintain that connection. In this day and age, we have a lot of resources we can use. For example,when my dh was stationed in Korea,skype didnt exist but we did have instant messenger and online games. So we would play stuff like chess or literati together.
We now have stuff like skype and netflix and such. So we can watch a show together and chat online.
Start a tradition where maybe he takes a picture with a garden gnome at all the different places he travels to.
Skype and have breakfast together,if that is feasable.
Its not ideal, but it is sometimes something we have to accept.
Hey the alternative is breaking up w/ him which means you'll go back to being a single mother (like me) and be alone all the time. I have to do everything myself and basically have no dates--although I'm not sitting around the house moping because I have managed to have a social life. It might be possible to find another BF who has a job that doesn't involve traveling but then again, you might not find a guy w/ the other qualities you love about this guy.
The poinst I was trying to make are:
1. Unlike the previous generation when many people stay in the same position or with the same company for their entire working life, careers are a lot more dynamic now. It doesn't matter if the company said there will be "occasional" travel. If they need him to be on the road more now, unless he is willing to quit, he pretty much bas to do what they say. It is kind of an employers' market as decent jobs are hard to come by.
2. Couples need to be much more flexible these days and realize that what is the status quo when they first met may not last forever because of job transfer, layoffs, change in career, etc. If you get that upset when he has to travel a lot, what would you do if he were to lose his job? Or to get transfered to a different city? These are all very real scenarios that modern couples need to deal with.
Everyone has a different "bottom line". As Music suggested, you can always breakup with him and go back to being single again if his travel is not acceptable to you.
What you can do is communicate what would be ideal and how you are willing to support him. Whats going now is not ideal, but I wouldnt consider it a deal breaker. Unless he intentionally misled you.