Trouble With Futre In-Law
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| Mon, 03-03-2008 - 12:10am |
Hi Everyone!
I really need advice; any advice is welcomed and appreciated. This post is long so please bear with me. Well, I guess I'll start @ the beginning. When I was 20yrs old I met my future fiancé (I’ll refer to him as Tom). He is 10.5 yrs older then me which made him 31 at the time, I was almost 21. We met in college; he was starting a second career since he had a kidney transplant and could not continue his former job. I was an extremely shy girl and had been raised by my grandparents and therefore had a relatively sheltered life. I had never kissed, dated, or had a boyfriend before. When I met Tom he was always friendly and gave me advice. I looked up to him as a worldly friend who always offered good advice and a friendly hello. Honestly I looked at him like a mentor, maybe because of the age gap and being so naïve and sheltered. We remained friends for about 2.5 years; although we never really hung out we always talked. He tried asking me out on a date but I was unable to go due to having to help my grandmother on the day he wanted to go out. He didn’t ask again, actually he became somewhat angry since he felt I made up an excuse not to go. We remained friends and during the summer of 2005 my grandmother died a horrible death from bone cancer. During this period we became closer since he was there for me. He insisted that we couldn’t just be friends anymore and had to either start dating or stop seeing each other. I was sad and didn’t want to lose my friend right after losing my grandmother who I considered to be my mother. However, I didn’t want to enter a relationship directly after her death either. I agreed and we started dating, in the meantime my sister who was raised with me by our grandparents had become pregnant and was having a hard pregnancy. The baby was born premature. When she brought him home from the hospital she wanted him to eventually have his own room but I occupied on of the rooms. I had been dating Tom for a year by this point. Tom suggested that we both get an apartment together to have our own space and privacy. Home life was difficult due to family issues and I needed to move, but couldn’t afford an apartment on my own. I took Tom up on his offer. I was excited to have my own apartment and told my family I was moving, they could have my room for the baby. However, at the last minute Tom changed his mind, he decided that it would be too expensive to move and he had talked to his dad and wanted me to move in with him and his parents. I was very sad, but I had already given away my room and packed up my belongings. I couldn’t afford a place on my own and didn’t want to tell my family. Tom had moved back with his parents when he was sick on dialysis and had a transplant. His parents had a large house and he got the basement to himself which had a bed room and rec room. Reluctantly I moved in with Tom. His dad thought I would be could company for Tom’s mom who had no adult females to talk to. I got along with her fine since she is a sweet women. However, moving in made me feel like I was always invading everyones space and I always felt that I had no personal space of my own. I became rather depressed which Tom noticed. Tom’s dad liked me a lot at first but after a while thought I was too shy all the time, not friendly enough and had to just get over being shy and quiet since the rest of the family wasn’t like this. I am naturally quiet, and am friendly but generally have a hard time starting conversations with people. I grew very angry with Tom as the tension between his dad and I grew. His dad sometimes scared me since he would yell at his mother and criticize her a lot. I had seen domestic violence as a girl with my own parents, this was one of the reasons I was raise by my grandparents. Anyway things got so bad Tom decided to talk to his dad. His dad told me that I don’t treat him like a human and told Tom that I had to change and be a lot more social and he had to make me do this. Tom explained I was naturally quiet but his dad said this was bull. Tom decided to leave when his dad started making comments that he should be doing more around the house. I had asked Tom before if we could move since he got a raise and was making a lot more at his job. Tom told me I just had to get use to living there. I was very hurt and mad. By this point we were engaged and I contemplated breaking off the engagement. We argued a lot and I wished we had never started dating. Today things are still bad between his dad and I. His dad thinks I don’t like him ant that Tom blames the tension between us on him. Tom and I have agreed to work things out between us but I feel betrayed and angry at myself for being put into such a position. However, the worst part is I became depressed at losing my grandmother, a close uncle after wards and the tension between his dad and me that I started to cut myself. I had done this once before as a young girl due to trama from my parents and an uncle who was really a family friend who scared me and made me do adult things with him that I never did before I met Tom. However, I never made lasting scars. I hate the scares and Tom is mad that I would do such a thing once he saw my arms. Sometimes I think I became a monster since I treat Tom mean at times out of frustration or anger. I have always been a kind person I really want to go back to being who I was before all this. Please if anyone has a comment I would appreciate it sorry my story was so long.

I think you need to slow down. Engagement is not the answer for you right now.
Your living situation is bad and I see a lot of problems with this relationship and the environment this relationship is in. You should not be living with your boyfriend in his parents' basement. You need to live in a place where you have control of your surroundings and be able to live like an adult and not a teenager shacking up. This has become a toxic situation for you and the only way to move forward in your relationship is to extract yourself from it. I also personally believe that it's extremely important, especially for a woman, to be able to live on your own, or with a non-boyfriend roommate, and learn how to depend on yourself. It's really valuable and you will not regret it.
I also think that you should see a counselor or therapist through whatever means possible (often religious affiliates will do it for free) because cutting yourself, even not making scars, is a serious affliction that should not go untreated.
This relationship is probably not good for you anymore. When you move out, and you need to do this, you will at least be able to determine what the main problem is for the change in your feelings and behavior. It could be your relationship just isn't right for you, or it could be that the living situation you're in causes you too much stress. I hope that you are able to free yourself of toxic feelings (and people if necessary). Good luck.
Welcome to the board nida22,
I strongly recommend you seek a counselor now, especially since you mentioned cutting.
Welcome to the board nida22,
You really need to start seeing a counselor since you have started cutting yourself again. Did you ever get counseling for the abuse you had growing up?
Do you plan on getting a place of your own once you get married? If not, I think I would reconsider the marriage and try to find a way that you can live on your own. Even if you need to move back in with your grandpa and sister.
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glitter-graphics.com
'Tom told me I just had to get use to living there.'
Does this sound like something a husband should say to his wife when she is miserable? I agree that you should call of the engagement and move back with your family even if that means sleeping in the living room until you find a place. Do you work?
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Update
Hi ciao_gina !
Thanks for the advice I really appreciate it and I think your probably right.
To answer your question, yes I do work but being a full time college student I can only work part time and can't afford rent on my own. However, I'm considering staying in a dorm. I have only a couple of semesters left before I get my degree. As far as moving back with my family they care about me a lot but would rather I not move back in, even temporarily.