trouble talking about his feelings

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
trouble talking about his feelings
3
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:45am
I recently came back from a journey several weeks overseas during which the my boyfriend of 8 months and I were in constant contact. We missed each other very much and in his emails, he revealed much more to me about how he felt than he ever had (without actually ever using the L-word). His comments sounded really serious and he sounded confident in them. (I saw him cry when I left and he told me he cried for days after.) When I came back and broached the topic of my feelings for him (which had grown even stronger during our separation) he told me that he "wasn't comfortable talking about feelings" and that I should "know how he feels about me by his actions, not his words." I asked him how we could spend so much time together without these kinds of feelings developing and he said that he did not want to see any less of me, he just wanted to close the subject at this time, he wanted things to be "fun and easy" like they had always been (why do guys always think emotions take the fun out of things?). So I did the only sensible thing I could - I let it go (well, I am writing this, so clearly I have not, but I did not bring it up again). I am really happy with him and when I look at the way he treats me, the things he does for me, the way he makes me feel, then yes, his acts do express his feelings. He is still really into me. And we still have a great time together, but he has never openly expressed to me anything approaching the sentiments he expressed when I was away. Should I be worried that he isn't open to talking about feelings? Was what he felt when I was abroad genuine but he just isn't comfortable saying it in person? Or did he just confuse missing me with feeling for me? Ah yes, and I am enjoying sex much less than before because I don't feel connected to him in the same way anymore.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 10:39am
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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 12:02pm

When we feel hurt, shut out or angry, often our enjoyment and desire for sex subsides. This is a way of pushing our partner away. Clearly, you feel very disappointed that he is not willing to discuss his feelings for you or where the relationship may be going. Many men have difficulty dealing with strong feelings,let alone discussing them. As he said, they feel they "show" their feelings through actions. This can all be well and fine if you know clearly where this relationship is headed. Obviously, some discussion is needed. Right now you don't know what's going on and so you are withdrawing from him. It seems important to you to have a clear idea and actual words from him about what he has in mind. Let him know. Tell him it still can be fun and easy, but you need to know where the two of you are headed, what he has in mind. If he says he hasn't thought about it and doesn't want to, or to discuss it, then you have an answer right there....he is not facing what is going on. Tell him you need to know and if you don't have any idea of the future, then it is affecting your abiilty to feel good and comfortable in the relationship. This is fair. You've been away awhile, you still care for one another and clearly you want to know where the two of you are headed.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2004
Thu, 09-23-2004 - 1:09pm
but that's the funny thing. i don't really know where the relationship is headed, and i don't really care right now. i feel secure enough in the relationship. i'm in my early twenties and really feel like i have all the time in the world right now. i think i just wish we had more emotional intimacy. i want to feel like i can share the deeper levels of myself with him - or at least feel like we are headed in that direction. and i don't think that's something i can ask him directly.

i also really want to reestablish that bond i used to feel with him when we had sex, and i guess i can only do that through communication, but i don't want to put any pressure on him. sometimes after sex he turns to me with loving eyes and says, "i like you sooo much." !!!!!!

and in the past, it used to be he would only admit little things to me when he was drunk.

i remember one night i noticed something about him that i guess no one had before and he said to me, "so, this is what love is. i never knew." but i don't even think he remembers saying that. . .i think he just really has a hard time talking about his feelings.

if i only i lived in some asian culture where people never said i love you, where love was supposed to be acts, not words! (remember the end of crouching tiger, hidden dragon?) do you think western culture puts unreasonable or unimportant expectations for emotional explicitness on men and women in their relationships?