Trouble with trust

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
Trouble with trust
3
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 8:00pm
Hi, I am 20 years old and have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years. A couple years ago I found out that my BF had been talking to his ex girlfriend and writing her letters that were, to say the least flirtatious bordering on sexual. This has been a huge deal in our relationship and I am still having a hard time trusting even though I am positive that nothing is going on between them, and pretty sure not between any other girl either. I really want this relationship to work but I dont want to be hurt again. Any advice?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to:
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 8:18pm

My advice would be to work on communication as a couple and your insecurity issues. Thing is, it sounds like the letters were awhile back, when you found out about them- you werent clear on. Point is, you dont trust him. Whether you have the right not to trust him or not is something I think you know in your heart-its not something someone can sit here and tell you.


Unfortunaley, it sounds like it will be your trust issues and not his flirtatious letters that will eventually ruin your relationship. If you cant rtust him, then let him go. But, staying with him and holding that incident over his head like a thundercloud is almost as bad as writing the letters in the first place.


Best wishes,


 

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 9:07pm
Yes I know that this is my trust issue, and I am trying so hard to fix it. I have just been very insecure since the whole thing happened with his ex, thinking that I am not good enough or just plain enough for him. It is so bad that I get really jealous because he looks at porn and that has created alot of tension between us, that I am so insecure. I remember vaguely what it is like to be completely happy and sure with myself, and i want that feeling back so bad. It is something that I long for. I am trying many different methods right now to "fix" myself, and I know that if I dont, I will be unhappy whether we are together or not. Thank you for the reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
In reply to:
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 9:56pm
Hi,

Have you talked to him about these trust issues? Do you know you can trust him for sure because he has said to you genuinely, "You are the only woman for me," or something along those lines? Or do you wonder about that?

I think you need to talk to him seriously about this, decide if you can truly trust him or not, and if your gut feeling is "Yes, I can trust him," then put those letters he wrote in the past, truly in the past. If your gut tells you "No, I can't trust him totally," move on! Trust is obviously an absolute essential in a healthy relationship.

Good luck!

toriphile322

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to:
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 12:38am
Well ever since that happened I have looked into things (ie snooped) which i know is wrong but I just was so scared about it that I started doing it. I have never found anything that would suggest anything like that. We have talked about it and he tells me that he only wants to be with me and that he would never do anything like that again. We live together now so I am pretty sure I would know if anything like that was going on. And he has been very honest with me about anything that he thinks I would want to know about. We are together most of the time except on the weekends when i work during the day, and his friends are my friends, and although I dont trust that they would tell me if anything happened, we have friends with very big mouths. So I think I would find out someway. I really dont think that he is doing anything close to cheating on me...it is just ever since that happened, I have had my guard up because that is the first time i had truly ever had my trust betrayed by anyone. Because of that I just can't seem to get rid of that lingering thought in the back of my mind. Some of the things I worry about are so ridiculous that I wonder if I may have a problem. I will make up elaborate stories in my head because I am so paranoid. I do not want to be like this anymore. It is getting ridiculous. Sorry to unload like this. Thanks for replying.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
In reply to:
Fri, 06-18-2004 - 2:17am
In a situation like this - trust is a decision. If he's earned the trust back and you still don't feel you can trust or are afraid of being hurt - it's your decision that will make the difference.

My friend has a hubby who she thinks may have cheated on her based on comments in letters and emails. She feels she doesn't have concrete proof and decided she would put this behind her. She too, had a lot of anxiety and fear about their future. While she was processing all this she came to the conclusion that she would trust him again, not blindly, but with the understanding between them that if she ever found any more stuff, that would be the end of their relationship. She simply didn't want to go through her whole life fretting about what maybe happened. My friend sat her hubby down, gave him the ground rules for her to feel comfortable in the marriage. He said he didn't realize that what he had said/written to others would be a big deal or that she is as sensitive as she is about these matters. He agreed he wouldn't do things that would destroy their relationship. After this discussion she deicided to do some self preservation as well - he is responsible and accountable for what he does. She is for what she does.

On the other hand, deciding to end the relationship because you feel that trust is violated to a point where you can't trust this person again - it's probably in your best interest to do so.