trouble trusting my man

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
trouble trusting my man
3
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 7:41am
I have been dating this person for almost 2 years and lately he has done so hurtful things. In the past 11 months he has been on phone chat lines the first time he actually went and met a another women for a coffee, when i confronted him on this he bold face lied and said it was not true finally after 3 days he addmitted it to me BUT i had to con him into tell me the truth by saying to him just tell me the truth and we can work things out So he told the truth we both cried he said never again then 2 months later i find out he on phone chat line again we fought i forgave again and now just 3 weeks ago he was on again.Each time he was on chat lines i confronted him his first reaction was to lie to me. So please tell me how to keep him of these phone lines?? I would also like to know if i can trust him again??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 9:31am
hottieonfire35...

Pianoguy thinks you have "a very interesting name!"

Your b/f has cheated on you twice...and odds are...he'll go for 3! Keeping HIM off the phone lines is impossible unless you plan to discard everything in your life and monitor your b/f 24-7! And if you're indeed the 'hottie' you say you are...it's obvious that you have more than your share of admirers!

Your biggest issue is TRUST. Once you lose this...along with RESPECT...both are difficult to rekindle. WHY? Because there will always be the "what if he cheats on me again" question popping into your head.

Take a look at your relationship the way it ACTUALLY IS...and not the way YOU'D LIKE IT TO BE! If your b/f is honestly ready to clean up his act and eliminate his 'phone chat activities'...you might want to give him one more chance? But to be honest...I think you're fighting a losing battle!

Sorry I can't be more encouraging..

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2004
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 12:50pm
Thanks for your reply. Thats my whole point i am good looking most of his friends and co workers have made some sort of comment on my appereance to him which makes him proud of me or at least he says so BUT why does he keeping going on phone chat lines he tell me he needs to know if he is still attractive he says hes insucre and thats his reason. NO he has not cheat yet not that i know of YES HE MET ONE GIRL FOR COFFEE but that was all but still trusting him is really hard . I think i will give him one more chance and if he blows it oh well that will be his fault. Like i told him the other night when all this crap went down IM GOOD LOOKING AND CAN GET ANOTHER MAN. Please do not think that im over myself i just know i could move on if need. EXCEPT IM IN LOVE WITH HIM !!!!! STILL CONFUSED ON WHEATER I SHOULD TRY AND TRUST HIM OR NOT ??????
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 08-27-2004 - 1:10pm
I agree with pianoguy and would add.....you can't monitor him 24/7, you aren't his mother.

It's sad to me that he identifies the problem, he's insecure, needs the attention of other women to know he's desirable, attractive, but he won't go do anything about it, like go to counseling to build his self-esteem and boost his ego himself. Heck, he sure is telling you that you are doing a crappy job.

My bf would say and I quote - his intention is to meet other women/cheat or he wouldn't be seeking them out in the first place.

::YES HE MET ONE GIRL FOR COFFEE but that was all

Because he got caught? Or because he didn't like her all that much?

::IM GOOD LOOKING AND CAN GET ANOTHER MAN. Please do not think that im over myself i just know i could move on if need.

I think this is a good attitude, however, the longer you are with him, the more you will doubt yourself, your ability to keep him from 'straying'. You will wonder why he must seek other women's attention and continually wonder why you aren't good enough and it will erode your self-esteem.

::EXCEPT IM IN LOVE WITH HIM !!!!!

You are in love with a man that may not be able to be faithful. Isn't respectful of his relationship with you. Doesn't have enough 'awareness' to do something about his issues. Isn't committed to you, the relationship and leaves a lot to be desired in the integrity arena.

::STILL CONFUSED ON WHEATER I SHOULD TRY AND TRUST HIM OR NOT ??????

Not! If he's not in counseling working on himself, what's the point. He's getting something out of his contacting other women, it's like a drug, the attention, the interest, the flirting. He likes it and his values justify his actions and he's going to keep doing it.

Don't live in denial, false hope or anything else. See the situation as it really is. Personally, the longer you put up with his behavior/actions, the message you send to the Universe is that his behavior/actions are ok with you, and the universe will send you more of the same. You have to set a boundary and follow your values.

My best to you. Sorry you have to go through this.



Carrie