troubled past catching up with future
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| Wed, 08-01-2007 - 6:47pm |
My dh has a very troubled past. At 12 he was molested by his 20+ year old Bible School teacher. This relationship lasted 4 years, unfortunately no charges were pressed and all went on separate ways... or so I thought. I have recently found new e-mails that my dh has sent to this woman. He always writes that he was to talk with her to get over his past. Her replies are always the "I've missed being your friend", "You living so close now is the only reason why I haven't left the state", etc., etc., etc. She even has mentioned that she isn't 100% sexually motivated by her husband, who happens to share the same name as my husband...
They have apparently met twice now to "talk", unfortunately for them I found out about it and stopped this "weird" friendship about a year ago. She is now back in our life. This person works not 1 mile (we live in the country) down the road, drives by my house daily, and my dh sent her another e-mail wanting to meet so they can talk. I am absolutely positively furious... however the reason I know about all of this is because my computer has spywire I installed due to my step-kids, which he doesn't know about. Whenever I bring up the subject of this person (I saw her in our small town, so I knew she worked here) he changed his e-mail password, and promptly sent her another e-mail wanting to meet up with her to talk about a private matter concerning people that use to be in their lives. Again, unfortunately for my dh I have spyware and know the new password. Apparently he thinks he is smarter than me. Of course, it is also bad of me to be "spying" on my husband. I honestly do not know how to handle this. I don't think he is having an affair with this woman, but it seems like he cannot stop talking to her, which is driving me to the point that I despise my husband for lying and sneaking about behind my back. The first time I asked him to stop talking to this person was 1 year ago and for a year he did, and then all of a sudden it is like he "has" to talk to her. I am thinking that she has this "hold" over him, and it worries me that our relationship is going to end because of her. And me knowing what he is doing "secretly" isn't helping me either. I tend to question him about her and if he has tried to contact her again and he always answers "NO, why do you think that?" And yet I know he's lying.. I don't know whether I need to confess what I have been doing and take all his e-mails to him and question him, or whether I should have him go to counseling for our marriage and confront about this there, I don't know..... Or do I need to make him open up to a counselor about his past before he can move on with our future? Our relationship is suffering greatly because of this. It is tearing me up inside knowing what I know, and not saying what I want to say... Any help or advice would greatly be appreciated.

I think it would be a great and necessary idea to go to counseling. Your husband has clearly not recovered from the past or in some sick way he is trying to fix it while contacting her. It could be that this started out with him wanting to finly resolve these feelings and communicate with her how it affected him. Now she is telling him about her sex life which is so inappropriate in so many ways.
He needs counseling and to end this relationship.
First of all, you can't MAKE your husband do anything. His troubled past has done more damage than you can possibly imagine and the best you can do is confront him. Tell him what you know, how you know and impress upon him the damage that it is doing to your marriage and encourage him to get professional help to deal with this. He is in desperate need of resolution but he will not find it with her. Sometimes that step is a part of healing but it does not turn into an ongoing relationship.
Try to kick your anger to the curb for a bit and see the wounded, confused person that he is right now. Those of us who have been abused seek redemption from our abusers, at some point we have to realize that can only come from within. It's as if we look to that which contaminated us to wash us clean. He needs to stop all contact with this woman and get help.