Troubled relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2012
Troubled relationship
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 2:26pm

Im 32 & my bf & I have been dating since May. Hes 30. About 3 months into our relationship, something felt off for me & he was acting different. So I did something I know Im not supposed to do: I went through his phone. What I found in it was shocking, appauling & disgusting. And heartbreaking. He had been talking to a few girls that were his "friends" and these conversations were more than friendly in nature. I also found out that he was viewing & had responded to personal listings on craigslist. His email to the one girl was: what is it you are looking for? His txt messages commented about what sleezy motel they were going to meet at. When I confronted him about his, of course his first response was that I invaded his privacy so he was pissed about that. Then when I asked him why he would do such things if he did indeed love me, his response was I dont know. He said that the txt messages to his friends were harmless & they were never meant to be taken seriously & thats just how he talks to these girls. He said that at that point, we had hit a rocky patch & he was not feeling happy in our relationship. So needless to say, I continued dating him with the understanding that we would communicate better toward eachother about what makes us unhappy & he swore he wouldn't do it again. Well this past wkend again I had that sinking feeling so I checked his phone again. This time I found he was messaging an "old friend" on facebook messenger. The part of the conversation I could read (cause some was deleted) was him calling her sexy & commenting on her large DD breasts & how her nipples were going to be hard because of the cold weather. I flipped! Again when confronted he was upset about my invasion of his privacy & his response again was I don't know why I did it. Its not like Im out screwing other people. Im so hurt & confused. This has happened twice & although he said he realizes what he did was wrong, he still thinks Im over reacting & I have a feeling he will continue these conversations with these women. He says that hes just a flirt & pervert & the comments are not meant to go any further. I have been reading a lot about sexting & seems thats what he is doing & I know that he loves women's attention. Our sex life is good, having sex 3+ times per wk & its not usually boring. So Im not sure what is going on with him & thru his head.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 4:37pm

I just don't know why you would continue dating this guy.  Anyone would know that when you're in a relationship it's totally inappropriate to be sending sexy texts and messages to other women--we're not talking strangers here either, it's people that he knows so there is a lot of potential for the fact that they actually did get together--I don't even know why you believe him that nothing happened.  You gave him a chance and he totally blew it and kept doing it, so that would seem to me that he is not going to stop it and doesn't much care what you think--and of course it's your fault for "invading his privacy."  That says that he's just annoyed to get caught not that he's really sorry about what he did.

Avatar for mahopac
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-1997
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 4:50pm
You should have just dumped him the first time around. If someone is doing that, they're not committed to you. There is NO excuse. Cut your losses and move on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 01-07-2014 - 5:08pm

"He says that hes just a flirt & pervert".

Sorry, a guy who describes himself like that does not sound like good bf material. You caught him at it twice (although there might have been other times that you didn't catch) so don't be surprised if he keeps doing it. Remember that old saying "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me". He's shown you how he is, you have to decide whether you want to stay with a guy like that (I wouldn't). Lots of men don't sext and go on dating sites when they are in a relationship so don't think its normal behavior that you have to accept. Trust me, you don't want to be constantly doubting and worrying and snooping---which is what you'll be doing with him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 1:40am

I agree with the others........why are you in a relationship with this jerk?  When you have to snoop in a guy's phone.......then you don't trust him, and if you don't trust him, why bother with him.  You should have been gone after the first time....sleazy motels?  There are a lot of decent men out there.......and if you can't live without a man, then find one you can trust.  This one is a loser, and now he's told you he will continue to talk to his "friends" so you're obviously not enough for him.  It has nothing to do with you......he's the one with the problem, and you might be an RN, but you can't cure him.......only yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Wed, 01-08-2014 - 9:06am

What will you do with your one precious life? Spend it with a piece of garbage? I don't care how cute, sexy, and fun he is. If he's putting this type of emotional energy into other women, he's not worthy of you. You are the treasure. If a man doesn't treat you right, then he hasn't earned the right to be in your life. When a man shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Haul the garbage to the sidewalk and go wash your hands of him. Be smarter in the future about choosing a potential lifetime partner. Stick to a must haves and dealbreaker list. Your happiness depends on it.