troubled by wife's past
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troubled by wife's past
| Tue, 01-20-2004 - 7:52pm |
I am having trouble getting over my wife's past and am looking for some advice. My wife and I met in college. She is an amazing woman and I love her dearly. My problem is that when we were dating I asked her about her past and she did not want to talk about it. She was my first, and only, sexual partner. After dating a while she told me that she had in fact slept with two other men before meeting me. That didn't really concern me because I knew most women had a past and I was glad to be learning from her. When we were dating we broke up because I found out that she had lied and had actually slept with more men before we met. We got back together after some serious talks and she admitted to sleaping with five men before meeting me. We struggled through this, but it hurt me that she lied. We have been married six years, had two children, and I am still deaply in love with her. I found out this year that she had lied to me about her past even after fessing up after our breakup. Her brother, of all people, knew that there had been more because one of them was a friend of his. Now she fessed up to sleeping with 11 men before she met me. I told her that all this lying over the years has me questioning whether or not I can ever believe her. As I said, I have only been with her and I am depressed as I had other opportunities that I did not take before her.
My questions are 1) Why would she continue to lie? 2) Should I trust her ever again (she says that she has come clean about her past)? 3) Did I miss out by not having sex with others? 4) How can I get a gripe on this jealousy, mistrust, etc.?
Thanks for any input you may have.

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Because she was afraid of your reaction and judgement.
2) Should I trust her ever again (she says that she has come clean about her past)?
It's a number, but the issue I think isn't the number of partners she's had but that she felt the need to lie. Personally, giving a number is not something I am willing to give to anyone.
3) Did I miss out by not having sex with others?
Not really. But if you feel you did, in your mind, then you will always *THINK* you missed out. Talk radio talk show host in my area says if you wanted to do it you should have done it, but now that you are married, forget it.
4) How can I get a gripe on this jealousy, mistrust, etc.?
Hmm, individual counseling, couple's counseling, and working on your self-esteem.
Carrie
You're wondering if she's had "better than you", you're wondering if you shortchanged yourself by "her being your only one". And most importantly - you think "how many partners a person has had is important, that it means something" - and so you fixated on it early.
You probably upheld your virginity to her and said "you're my one and only"....with some implication if not outright statement that only a virgin would be your choice. She wanted you - she lied and said two - thinking it a low number and one you'd accept. To benefit herself - by having the alliance with you she desired, but withut the honesty it required.
You two then split up when you found out she'd slept with more than two people. Now, if you said "I broke up with her becuase she lied, her values entitled her to lie and I can't trust anything she says or does" - I'm with you.
But you didn't - you were "upset" that she'd slept with more than two people. You found it out because she lied..but the lying itself wasn't your primary focus - it was that she's been more sexually experienced than you'd been led to believe that was your sole and only fixation. Totally inappropriate.
If you were focused on her lying and the values that justified it - you'd have ended the relationship right there. Not becuase she's slept around - but because she lied to you.
But you fixed on the sleeping around, thus you reunited - she's your one and only, you don't want to violate your stanards, you're now curious, jealous, resentful, and upset that she's "slept with more people than you". You're wondering if you shortchanged yourself not having more partners to compare her against and to - because you perceive she's comparing your performance tothose of her previous lovers every time you have sex.
And when you're actually with her...what should have been your focus, is your problem. That her values entitled her to lie for her benefit...and that you're now afraid in every facet, aspect, regard, and capacity regarding your joint futures - she'd lie to you to benefit herself at your expense AGAIN!
See, if you'd have focused on the values she didn't live by to begin with - you wouldn't be in this mess...you'd have never continued to date her or married her at all - if she didn't live by the value you prioritized which was "virginity until marriage".
I'll give her this....you've likely made such an issue of this from the beginning, and given that there is a marriage involved, much intertwining and investment in every capacity is at stake....she likely perceives she's required to lie - in order not to "destroy the house of cards". It doesn't justify the lies...but the more time, money, investment, and involvement there is at risk...the more people are willing to do to any degree to "save the investment and secure it".
You've got two issues to resolve...she's got 0 to resolve, she's just awaiting your answer. 1) Can you live without resentment, regret, anger, remorse, or fear with the FACT that she's slept with other people - it doesn't matter if it's two or 22 - if her values don't allow her to step outside of a committed relationship to have sex, she'll never sleep around on you. 2) Are you two willing to restructure your relationship with a objective party's help to be more equality based, mutually beneficial and honestly communicative? Because that is the ONLY way that you won't go around paranoid for eternity wondering "is she lying to me, and if she is how is this going to screw me to the wall?"
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I am jealous of her experience and I am worried that she might compare me to others before me. But I don't hold that against her. I want to be the best man I can be for her. My biggest worry is that she may one day decide she had it better before me or in a time of weakness she could mistakenly make a bad decision.
I think you are projecting your own "forbidden desires" onto your wife. In that paragraph, you say YOU are jealous of her sexual experiences....but then you say that you're afraid SHE may cheat on you. It sounds to me that you're afraid that YOU may cheat- after all she's "been there done that" with casual sex, it has no more mystery of allure for her. It probably means more to her to make love once with you than all her previous experience put together- because she loves you!
But you, on the other hand, are jealous and wondering what you missed..that's dangerous and it makes a much better recipie for infidelity than her situation. Maybe you should really think about that.
I don't know if this will be of any help, but I think lots of women lie about the "number", I know I did with my husband. And I read somewhere that men do too, only they tend to raise it. Unfortunately, in this day and age, there is still a stigma.
My friend and his girlfriend are having problems at the moment, whereupon they had the frank discussion, and his girlfriend was very open and truthful about her sexual history. Ever since then, he can't help throwing it in her face every row they have, because he can't deal with the jealousy over it. You say you are not jealous, but you are insecure and obviously, this is quite common. This is why women lie about this, to spare hurt feelings, jealousy and because what we did in the past should be left in the past. She is married to you now.
If she's got "situational ethics" - and reviews everything based on self-benefit and needs of the moment...she easily might cheat on you - her "values" of self-benefit and personal want" would justify it if the "situation" were right by her standards.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
Clearly your wife felt some shame about her sexual past and tried to cover it up a bit. That's not really a tragedy - it doesn't indicate that she is lying now or has lied to you about anything else since you two met.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
And I doubt that you are only angry about the lying since the title of your post and first sentence are about her past, not the lie.
I am jealous of her experience and I am worried that she might compare me to others before me. But I don't hold that against her. I want to be the best man I can be for her. My biggest worry is that she may one day decide she had it better before me or in a time of weakness she could mistakenly make a bad decision.
Did the two of you have sex before marriage?
Just because she had sex with numerous partners doesn't mean she's unable to committ, doesn't mean she will be *weak* at some point and cheat on you.
Our minds make us crazy, not the other person or what they did or didn't do. You have to *talk back* to those negative thoughts. I posted before about going on vacation to a place where my brother lives and possibly running into someone I was friends with for a few years, then slept with. It bothers my boyfriend, whom I have lived with for 2 yrs. I have no left over feelings for any other guy, and I had to tell him that I want to make memories with him, experience everything we can together to make new memories, share everything. I never think about that guy in those terms, only as a friend. Yet, I can understand his feelings on this, because ocassionally, I have my own negative feeling to talk back to in regards to him and previous relationship, as he's still friends with someone he slept with, and I like her and her husband.....anyway, what I am trying to say is that it's your own mind that has the fear, the worry, try not to project it into your marriage and cause harm. Talk to her about the 'comparing' thing, I'm sure she would be willing to help you talk back to those negative feelings.
Carrie
If she hasn't lied about anything else then maybe she is ashamed of her past and wanted to prtoect the sanctity of your intimacy. Let it go , unless she lies about other things. If she does, seek counselling.
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