troubled by wife's past

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
troubled by wife's past
13
Tue, 01-20-2004 - 7:52pm
I am having trouble getting over my wife's past and am looking for some advice. My wife and I met in college. She is an amazing woman and I love her dearly. My problem is that when we were dating I asked her about her past and she did not want to talk about it. She was my first, and only, sexual partner. After dating a while she told me that she had in fact slept with two other men before meeting me. That didn't really concern me because I knew most women had a past and I was glad to be learning from her. When we were dating we broke up because I found out that she had lied and had actually slept with more men before we met. We got back together after some serious talks and she admitted to sleaping with five men before meeting me. We struggled through this, but it hurt me that she lied. We have been married six years, had two children, and I am still deaply in love with her. I found out this year that she had lied to me about her past even after fessing up after our breakup. Her brother, of all people, knew that there had been more because one of them was a friend of his. Now she fessed up to sleeping with 11 men before she met me. I told her that all this lying over the years has me questioning whether or not I can ever believe her. As I said, I have only been with her and I am depressed as I had other opportunities that I did not take before her.

My questions are 1) Why would she continue to lie? 2) Should I trust her ever again (she says that she has come clean about her past)? 3) Did I miss out by not having sex with others? 4) How can I get a gripe on this jealousy, mistrust, etc.?

Thanks for any input you may have.

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 4:54pm
1) Why would she continue to lie? Because it's none of your business and she knows it, and you are pestering her.

2) Should I trust her ever again (she says that she has come clean about her past)? That's totally up to you, isn't it.

3) Did I miss out by not having sex with others? Are you over the age of 18? If so, realize how immature this question is.

4) How can I get a gripe on this jealousy, mistrust, etc.? It's called self discipline.

My advice in general: Get over it. It's none of your business how many men your wife slept with before you. NONE. You have problems with self esteem and/or insecurity, and they are YOUR problems. I suggest you get counseling and try and figure out why you are so jealous of something that had nothing to do with you and is over and done with. I suspect there may be underlying issues. Meantime, be thankful you have a wife that loves you and appreciate her for who she is today.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2004
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 6:44pm
itwinflame,

I just wanted to say thank you for your advice. Sometimes it just takes a different perspective to see what I should have already figured out on my own. I think you hit the nail on the head when you said I need to *talk back* to my negative feelings. My mind is definitely playing a number on me, my heart tells me that my wife is the best thing that ever happened to me. She has said to me that she wants to find a way for me to get past this, so I will take your advice and talk to her about the comparison thing. Your earlier post to me was also right on. You pointed out that she probably lied because she was afraid of my reaction and judgement, I think you are correct. You also pointed out that I need to work on my self esteem, you are right again. I don't think I will go for counselling unless I cannot find a way on my own to deal with these emotions.

You asked how long we have been married and how long we knew each other. We dated for a year and a half (broke up for a month somewhere in the middle of dating) and have been married for six years.

You also asked if we had sex before marriage. The answer is yes, and I have great memories of those times. It was exciting.

Thank again for clearing some things up for me. More than anything else, I just want things to be great between my wife and I. I needed someone's reasurance that this was something I can learn to forgive and forget. My wife means more to me than anyone else in this world and I don't want anything to be between us that causes us problems.

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 01-21-2004 - 6:56pm
I'm glad it helped.

Since you are not sure about the counseling aspect, here are some books on the subject.

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

My best to you.


Carrie

Pages