troubles with (ex) girlfriend
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| Thu, 04-29-2004 - 3:22pm |
This whole situation is such a mess, I don't even know where to start.. but I guess I'll start with the short an simple part... about a month ago, my girlfriend (Alex/Angel - who's only 16 atm, and my first love at that - and I'm 20) of almost 3 years just seemingly out of the blue decides that she wants to be "alone," saying things like that I haven't been there when she needed me, I haven't had a job since August, and that for the last few months I haven't been treating her as good as I used to.
Now of course this totally caught me off guard cuz she's never sat down and told me about all these things that she was feeling, and every time I tried to tell her that, it turned into a he said/she said match, and we never got anywhere. But that's beside the point... or is it.
Let's back up a little bit, to the root of the problem, I believe. A few months ago, her "best friend" (Jenny) was having trouble with her parents, so Alex let Jenny move in with her (the both of them sleeping in Alex's bedroom). Now this put a serious damper on the relationship between me and Alex, simply because we would NEVER have any 'alone time'. I tried telling her that it bothered me, and she completely agreed... but nothing ever resulted from our talks. Then a few months later (a few weeks before Alex broke up with me), Alex gets a job at a local Big Lots retail store. This is what I think caused all the problems.. when she just started working, her manager (the same one that hired her) was telling her, even before she was hired, that her son was looking for a girlfriend and that Alex was just his 'type'. Of course, Alex told me this (when we were still together), and at the time I just shrugged it off, thinking nothing of it... Alex was always telling me how she'd be with me forever.. thru thick an thin, no matter what. How she'd never leave me.
But then a few weeks later, she breaks up with me, and starts working almost 6 days a week, every day from the same times.. 3-9pm. Of course, the breakup devastated me (and it still is, a month later) and I was always wondering if she had found someone else or something, cuz as soon as she broke up with me, she started goin out with "friends" almost every nite after work, not comin home until 12-1, maybe 2 in the morning.
I guess one of my biggest mistakes was that I kept in contact with her for the past month.. I want her back in my life so bad. I love her so much... I would die for her. It doesn't help that we have a son together either, who's 18 months old (and lives with her). But I kept talking to her, trying to show her how much I really did, and still do, love her, and what she really means to me.
But a few nights ago, I called her after she got off work, and instead of her answering her cell phone, a guy picked up. I didn't want to think anything of it, but I still asked her why a guy was answering her phone... she said that she didn't hear it ring, but he saw it light up (they were in a bar.. "playing pool"), so he answered it. So she called me back when she got home (she had to sneak in cuz she was like 2 hours late - she lives with her mom still), and we started arguing over some small stuff I don't even remember what. She hangs up on me and I call her back and leave her a voice mail; and about a minute later, the same guy that picked up the phone in the bar calls me, asks me why I'm botherin her, and tells me that he's her boyfriend (I repeated asked her if she left me for someone else, and she always said no). We get into a discussion unfortunately, and I let him know that I really care for her and all that, and he let's me know that they started goin out right around when she broke up with me.... that she approached him, and that a few days after they started goin out, they were already sleepin together (of which he said she was the one initiating everything). Now of course, I don't want to believe him, but I have no idea what to do... she also felt the need to lie to him and her mother, and tell them that I cheated on her.
About that, about a year and a half ago, I told Alex that I wasn't sure about how I felt about her (whether I really did love her or not), and that I just needed some time to figure it out, but that I didn't want to break up with her in the meantime... no matter what, she always kept a smile on my face. But anyway, a few days later, I went to a xmas party with one of my mother's friends; and I got a little plastered, and I ended up kissing this girl (not even any tongue). I explained to the girl that I had a gf and that I was just goin thru a rough time... so she insisted that we talk about it. I ended up talkin with the girl for about a week after the party, when her parents told her to stop messin with me, cuz I had alex and our son. I was a bit upset, because that was the only "friend" (if even that) that I could talk about my problems with, and get a no bs response/suggestion. Alex picked up on the feeling, and she automatically thought that I was cheating, simply cuz I was hiding the fact that I kissed her (which I know was a big mistake now).
It doesn't help either, that she was up in Mass. for 6 months out of last year while I stayed down here in FL to work.. I had to quit my job just to go up and visit her for a few weeks (which was in August). Also.. ever since she came back from Massachusettes, I've wanted to propose to her, every single day... but it just doesn't feel right without a ring, and it's been eating away at me for 6 months now. The more I think about it, if I would have even just proposed back then.. even without the ring... I/we wouldn't be where we are today. :(
But anyway, even now, she won't let that "cheating" incident go, and it seems like she's trying to use it against me, even to keep me from seeing my son. She told her mom that I cheated on her with another girl, when she knows I didn't. Another thing that's got me goin right now, is a few weeks ago (before I knew about her new bf, of course) I gave her $300 in cash to help with our son, and when I gave it to her, she requested that I not tell her mother about it cuz her mom would get upset, and she told me that she would tell her. Okay.. I respect her wishes. But a few days ago I asked her mom if Alex told her about the money. She said that Alex never mentioned the money, and when she even asked Alex, Alex said that I NEVER gave her any money for Nicholas (our son, of course). How could she do this? It's like she's trying to side her mother against me, when she's blatantly lying out of her ass. It hurts so much to know that she could even think about doing this to me. What hurts even more is to think that that money went towards her new bf...
But no matter what she says or does, I still love her.. and if she would just say that she still loved me, I would take her back in an instant. If she just gave me the chance.. I would show her how much I love her.. I would ask her to be my wife.
I feel like my world is nothing without her, and every single day just hurts that much more. She was never like this before.. when we were together she was everything I could have ever wanted. She was so loving.. so caring, so compassionate. The sex was the best I've ever had... being able to tell the other person "I love you" while doin it is just amazing.. having it said to you.. *melts*.
I really do hope that this thing with this other guy is just a rebound or something.. and that she'll get over him quick. Sometimes I even just sit here and hope that she payed him to be her 'bf' ..just to show me what would happen. It would be a sick game, but I would feel so much better to know that she was doin all this because she cared about me, and wanted to be with me. Like that movie, Anger Management. That she's doing this to get me back on the right track (I know my life's been very unstable lately, especially financially, and that it was affecting her and our son, but I never knew it was this bad :( )
Any advice on how to get her back, or anything like that.. any advice on how to keep my head above water.. I would be more than grateful. Just know, that no matter what happens, I'll never be able to let go of her, nor can I just "move on". I've been without her for a month, and I'd say that I've never cried so much in my life.. not even when my parents got divorced when I was 7.
I've tried dating other girls even, to try and get over her... no matter how much they wanted to get in my pants, I just couldn't. I look at the girl and I see Alex. No one will ever compare to her, and what she's done for me. How she's changed me (for the better).
I've tried talking to my parents about this, but they don't help.. all they ever say is "I told u so.. high school relationships never work out", and I'm not even sure if it'll help or not anymore, but I just called a therapist today, to see if she can help me work thru this, and get myself back on that "right track" ...so that maybe I can get Alex and Nicholas back into my life.. like I always wanted.
And I apologize.. I know I'm just dragging this on, so I'll end it now... Any advice/suggestions or anything of the like would be more than appreciated. Anything to at least get me back up to the "rock bottom" level (yeah.. I feel like I hit rock bottom, and I just kept falling). Thank you again.
Raymond

When Alex and her new boyfriend would go out, Jenny would usually tag along, and when I spoke to her bf that night, he said that Jenny said nothing but good things about me. That kind of strikes me as odd, because up until all this happened, me and Jenny weren't exactly on the best of terms, but once Alex broke up with me, I started talkin with her and I guess she realized that I really did care about her? I dunno.. I'm not even sure if they really talked or not.. Any thoughts?
There were other things that I wanted to add, but I guess that's all I can remember =/
Damn this depression :(
This girl is immature at best. She approaches another guy for a relationship, jumps from one relationship to the next.
As for kissing another girl and sharing your intimate, emotional details of your life with another woman - hon, that is cheating. Emotional infidelity, an affair of the heart. Cheating without sex. Cheating nonetheless in most people's eyes.
Focus on you and your healing. Do what's right by your son. Don't talk to her about anything but your son. Pay your support on time. If you don't have a custody agreement in place, get one ASAP. The best way to get a response from her, is to ignore her.
Carrie
But none the less.. with that incompetence out of the way, I'm guessing it's too late to apologize for it?
You can try. Invite her to go to counseling with you. What you feel is normal.
Carrie
I could never imagine what life would be like without her, and now that she's gone sometimes I feel like I just want to die. I let the greatest person in the world slip through my fingers, and it's all my fault. Looking back on it all... she was right. For the last few months, I didn't pay her enough attention. I felt so worthless (and I still do).. knowing that I needed to get a job, but never being able to get a job that can support the 3 of us; and I wouldn't settle for anything less either. It would've hurt me so much to get a job flippin burgers, but now I see that would've been the best course of action.
I guess what I'm really lookin for... I would give anything to have Alex and Nicholas back in my life (and I'll keep saying it, I don't care who knows) like they were. Loving, caring, affectionate.. being able to hold them in my arms. I love them so much.. I never knew I could love someone this much.
I just want to be able to put all this stuff behind us, and ask her to marry me so we can be a family like I've wanted for the past 6 months. A real family. If anyone has any other thoughts, experiences, insights, anecdotes, whatever... they would be greatly appreciated. I need this woman in my life so bad, even I didn't believe how much I loved her at first.
And here I go writing another book =/ lol
Is there any way that I can possibly ease her back into a relationship with me? She's been pretty angry with me for the past few days, I don't even think she wants to talk to me. Like would sending her flowers on Mother's Day (or any other day) help to show her that I still love her and still care for her like I used to.. no matter how she treats me?
Is there anything I can do to fix this?? Omg I feel so desperate.. that's not a good thing, huh. Anyone have any ideas why she's treating me like a nice chunk of dog crap? It's like she did a complete 180 once she dumped me. I know people don't change like that overnight. Maybe she's trying to hide her feelings (that she still loves me dearly) from herself? I dunno... that's why I bring this to you all.. Please.. help :(
There were other things I wanted to add... but alas, I lost my train of thought again :(
I really need to fix this soon.. damn near unbearable.
And I want to thank you all again for taking the time to read and post your thoughts. Thank you very very much.
*bump*
edit: I just spoke with her today, asking if I could see my son (yeah.. she wants me to call/ask if I can see him. hurts that I have to ask to see my own son).. and somehow the conversation moved to us, and she tells me that she's very happy with her new bf, which is just like 'here, let's take this knife in ur heart and just keep turning it'. I understand what you said flame, that in order to get a response I must ignore her, but no matter what I do, it's like every moment of every day, I can't stop thinking of her... and what she's doin with her new bf. :(
Another thing I don't understand is why she's not telling her mother about the money that I give her for Nicholas... her mother hates me because she thinks I'm trying to skip on my responsibilities (providing for Nicholas), when in reality, a few weeks ago I gave Alex $300 for Nicholas. I asked her why she never told her mom, and she says 'cuz it's none of her business' ...but it is, because she's the one holding all the keys. I don't get it. :(
Edited 4/30/2004 1:12 pm ET ET by angelsheartbreak
You need a court ordered visitation agreement.
Carrie