truly happy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
truly happy?
11
Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:58pm
My problem is not near as dire as many of the post. Yet I truly desire some honest oppinions. I met Brian when I was 16 he was 21. Brian pushed me away for years and being young and obsessive I finally got my proposal out of him. We were married, built a home then planned for our child. Logan is now 4, I'm 28. I love Brian dearly but oh lord, could we be any different? He's an ironworker whos obsessed with golf, tv and work. I love intelectual debates, interest include world religions, cooking and moral debates. The only true thing he holds to is 'breast implants are great.' (by the way I won't get one). He on more than one occasion has found a way to belittle my contributions to our household. I have worked off and on in various fields throughout the years. But have been the desire of a few corporate head hunters. I have mortgage, real estate inurance and experience in construction. Somehow my husband who is zoning on tv as we speak seems to think that I should be oh so lucky to have landed him. I have many grudges I have tried steadfast to let go of. He did cocaine throughout my pregnancy and has been somewhat of a emotional, intellectual flake. So how did we get this far. He's sweet, funny and in general a really nice guy. BUT THAT'S IT. Logan in just as beautiful as his father. But good lord. Brian is anything but a partner, and won't lift a single finger around our home. (garbage, garage, dog, anything a guy usually does!) If anyone has some advice. 'Besides have you tried talking to him'. When I do, he pretends to be receptive just to reap the intimate benefits of sex. The next morning he's the same thing all over. He is truly pre-occupied with his own interest (golf), and #1 priority is him.(and golf).He provides well. But I grew up poor and have never believed money to buy happiness (contentment,love or a family!!). P.S./I'm not exzagerating we're expecting 6" of snow and he's golfed two out of the last three days!:)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: denisenakai
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:28am

I am a firm beleiver that couples should first do all in their power to make a concious effort to improve things.However, it sounds like everytime you go to try to work on things, his eyes glaze over. He has no idea what he has...i dont know if he'll ever realize it. You and your child deserve better than that.


Just because ever once and awhile he decides to pay attention, doesnt excuse the other 90% of the times.


Good luck.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
In reply to: denisenakai
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 10:58am

Well, I know that you have talked to him, but it sounds more like you have talked AT him more than TO him.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: denisenakai
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 11:42am

For such a long time this man seemed so desirable to you, someone you sought, pursued and got. Now that you have him, it's a different story. I am surprised that you were not aware of the differences between you all the years you courted. However, now that you are married and with a child and things have settled into a routine, it sounds as though you are quite lonely and feel there is a huge communication gap here. For starters, it would be very helpful for the two of you to see an outside, well trained counsellor. Sometimes we get embedded in patterns that become hard to break without objective help. If he is unwilling to do this, let him know that you love him and still feel there are issues to work on, as there are in all relationships. Don't make him feel criticized or belittled about this in anyway. Tell him you are uneasy about these issues and feel it's important for the two of you to be able to make changes constructively and communicate in satisfying ways. Tell him that the two of you need to find that which binds and joins you, that which you can do together. You've got to find ways of having mutually satisfying, quality time.


No one changes long standing habits and patterns on their own. It requires committment, work, discipline and the desire to make onself and one's partner happy. If he isn't willing to go along with any of this, I suggest that you find someone to talk to, to help you sort out your feelings and how you can best proceede. I also recommend that you read my book Zen And The Art Of FallingIn Love - it discusses these issues in relationships fully and has many easy and enjoyable exercises to do to help both of you become close once again.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: denisenakai
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:38pm
You've talked to him, but have you said: I need more than this and I've seriously consider divorce as an option because while we have talked this to death, nothing ever changes.?

Reading material to consider:

Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix

Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page

Sadly, it seems he's happy with the way things are. Consider going to counseling on your own to help you sort out your options.

Also, what do you do to fulfill your needs for the kind of conversations you'd like to have - classes, friends, book clubs, etc?


Edited 1/6/2004 1:39:23 PM ET by itwinflame


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
In reply to: denisenakai
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:48pm
You seem to be saying that it's up to him to change to make you happy.

Why don't you change a bit? How about learning golf and you two can play together? Why don't you try and do things that he has fun doing so you can do them together?

I hope you are not belittling him or acting intellectually superior.

Even though he is not Aristotle you can still have a happy marriage.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-23-2003
In reply to: denisenakai
Tue, 01-06-2004 - 1:55pm
The issue at hand probably has less to do with your incompatible interests and more to do with his selfishness. Until he matures past his own self-serving attitude, there is probably little that can be done to "get through" to him about your dissatisfaction. Afterall, his only concern is his own satisfaction, even if that comes at other's expense.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: denisenakai
Wed, 01-07-2004 - 9:43am
Mike,

Did you miss the bit about him doing coke through her entire pregnancy.

Profound advice, as usual.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: denisenakai
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 8:43pm
Mike,

One thing I want to make clear is that I have tried full heartedly to show an interest in many of Brians hobbies. I learned how to ski, then snowboard. I even bought him his seasons past. Now it's golf. I will go to the driving range with him and do periodically golf. (Weather permitting)He will play rain, hail even snow. Keep in mind when he golfs he simply leaves our son with me. In other words I would have to hunt down a sitter and pay for additional green fees. By the way I found the pro shop where he had a club on lay away and suprised him with it for Christmas. I puchased the Big Bertha when he wouldn't stop talking about it. So I believe I have made a valant effort to share in his interest. You know I've been with him so long. I don't think things are going to change. I just wanted some feed back. I guess I tried not to emphasize the efforts I put forth. I hope you better understand where I'm coming from.
Avatar for cheyplace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: denisenakai
Sun, 01-11-2004 - 7:43pm
People usually get what they work sooooooooooooo hard for and from what you say it probably took you six or so years to land this guy. He was indifferent to your needs then, just as he is indifferent to your needs now. At that time you could not see this, but now you can. He somewhat feels like he is your prize and that he is special since you worked so hard to get him, this gives him reason to take you for grannet. you said that you were 16 and now you are 28, hummmmm so he must be about 33 or so. I doubt that he will change very much, expecially for the long haul. Considering this you have but two questions to ask yourself. Will this lack of togetherness produce the closeness that I desire with a mate, therefore not always leaving me feeling left out and alone, or should I really see things as they are, and before I waste the rest of my life with this person, confront him with how I feel, and if definate changes are not seen in a relatively short time, move on to the next level and start making certain changes yourself. I too landed the same type of man, and spent 24 years married to him before I finally realized he was never going to see me, or hear me. Now I feel that those years were wasted, and I endured much loneliness and heartache. Search your heart, take a long good look at your feeling, (as they are very important)then make you decision. Good Luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: denisenakai
Tue, 01-13-2004 - 9:02pm
Thank you for your post. I give more credit to experiences than I do simpleminded oppinions. Which everyone has been wonderful, except Mike. Ha Ha. Needlesss to say. Brian always though I was joking when I said you have till I'm 30. Hellloo. How blantant can I be? I've gone through upside down and right side up. He gets it or he doesn't. I want you to know.. I'm in no hurry. I thought the idea of me staying home with our son was mutual. I have an interview tommarrow with incredible potential, or I can return to school. With out any hostility, I will stick it out. But I have to live my life for myself and my sons well-being. I will get my foot in the door. Another two years is nothing... I truly hope he finds me worth it in the mean while. I love him dearly. I wouldn't leave abruptly and would not do that to my son. I beleive Brian and I will always be friends and love him. Now I've realized (excluding my son)... that we just took teenage lust a little too far. Now here we sit. Him at Sonics game after another argument, Logan home with me.. and me debating, conflicting with a career and locating child care (ON MY OWN). So history does and will repeat itself. Thank you for your post.

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