truly happy?
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truly happy?
| Mon, 01-05-2004 - 10:58pm |
My problem is not near as dire as many of the post. Yet I truly desire some honest oppinions. I met Brian when I was 16 he was 21. Brian pushed me away for years and being young and obsessive I finally got my proposal out of him. We were married, built a home then planned for our child. Logan is now 4, I'm 28. I love Brian dearly but oh lord, could we be any different? He's an ironworker whos obsessed with golf, tv and work. I love intelectual debates, interest include world religions, cooking and moral debates. The only true thing he holds to is 'breast implants are great.' (by the way I won't get one). He on more than one occasion has found a way to belittle my contributions to our household. I have worked off and on in various fields throughout the years. But have been the desire of a few corporate head hunters. I have mortgage, real estate inurance and experience in construction. Somehow my husband who is zoning on tv as we speak seems to think that I should be oh so lucky to have landed him. I have many grudges I have tried steadfast to let go of. He did cocaine throughout my pregnancy and has been somewhat of a emotional, intellectual flake. So how did we get this far. He's sweet, funny and in general a really nice guy. BUT THAT'S IT. Logan in just as beautiful as his father. But good lord. Brian is anything but a partner, and won't lift a single finger around our home. (garbage, garage, dog, anything a guy usually does!) If anyone has some advice. 'Besides have you tried talking to him'. When I do, he pretends to be receptive just to reap the intimate benefits of sex. The next morning he's the same thing all over. He is truly pre-occupied with his own interest (golf), and #1 priority is him.(and golf).He provides well. But I grew up poor and have never believed money to buy happiness (contentment,love or a family!!). P.S./I'm not exzagerating we're expecting 6" of snow and he's golfed two out of the last three days!:)

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I am a firm beleiver that couples should first do all in their power to make a concious effort to improve things.However, it sounds like everytime you go to try to work on things, his eyes glaze over. He has no idea what he has...i dont know if he'll ever realize it. You and your child deserve better than that.
Just because ever once and awhile he decides to pay attention, doesnt excuse the other 90% of the times.
Good luck.
Well, I know that you have talked to him, but it sounds more like you have talked AT him more than TO him.
James
janderson_ny@yahoo.com
CL Ask A Guy
For such a long time this man seemed so desirable to you, someone you sought, pursued and got. Now that you have him, it's a different story. I am surprised that you were not aware of the differences between you all the years you courted. However, now that you are married and with a child and things have settled into a routine, it sounds as though you are quite lonely and feel there is a huge communication gap here. For starters, it would be very helpful for the two of you to see an outside, well trained counsellor. Sometimes we get embedded in patterns that become hard to break without objective help. If he is unwilling to do this, let him know that you love him and still feel there are issues to work on, as there are in all relationships. Don't make him feel criticized or belittled about this in anyway. Tell him you are uneasy about these issues and feel it's important for the two of you to be able to make changes constructively and communicate in satisfying ways. Tell him that the two of you need to find that which binds and joins you, that which you can do together. You've got to find ways of having mutually satisfying, quality time.
No one changes long standing habits and patterns on their own. It requires committment, work, discipline and the desire to make onself and one's partner happy. If he isn't willing to go along with any of this, I suggest that you find someone to talk to, to help you sort out your feelings and how you can best proceede. I also recommend that you read my book Zen And The Art Of FallingIn Love - it discusses these issues in relationships fully and has many easy and enjoyable exercises to do to help both of you become close once again.
Best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
Reading material to consider:
Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix
Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw
How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together: Breakthrough Strategies to Resolve Your Conflicts and Reignite Your Love by Sue Ellen Page
Sadly, it seems he's happy with the way things are. Consider going to counseling on your own to help you sort out your options.
Also, what do you do to fulfill your needs for the kind of conversations you'd like to have - classes, friends, book clubs, etc?
Edited 1/6/2004 1:39:23 PM ET by itwinflame
Carrie
Why don't you change a bit? How about learning golf and you two can play together? Why don't you try and do things that he has fun doing so you can do them together?
I hope you are not belittling him or acting intellectually superior.
Even though he is not Aristotle you can still have a happy marriage.
Did you miss the bit about him doing coke through her entire pregnancy.
Profound advice, as usual.
One thing I want to make clear is that I have tried full heartedly to show an interest in many of Brians hobbies. I learned how to ski, then snowboard. I even bought him his seasons past. Now it's golf. I will go to the driving range with him and do periodically golf. (Weather permitting)He will play rain, hail even snow. Keep in mind when he golfs he simply leaves our son with me. In other words I would have to hunt down a sitter and pay for additional green fees. By the way I found the pro shop where he had a club on lay away and suprised him with it for Christmas. I puchased the Big Bertha when he wouldn't stop talking about it. So I believe I have made a valant effort to share in his interest. You know I've been with him so long. I don't think things are going to change. I just wanted some feed back. I guess I tried not to emphasize the efforts I put forth. I hope you better understand where I'm coming from.
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