Trust

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
Trust
3
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:13pm
I have been in a relationship with a man for 2 years. We are both divorced (him most recently). He was separated for two years before the finalization. He is struggling with several issues right now: annulment, missing his married life/family life. He has been through 2 years of counseling and a divorce recovery group. He still maintains contact with the group. We have lived together for a year and he wants us to marry. I told him I felt he needed time to heal. He has come a long way - but it's a long process. (25+ years of marriage & 2 children for both of us)

We are very compatible but I feel we have both brought a few problems from our past relationships into this one which need to be corrected - not repeated. We started our relationship before ending the old ones. So we both know the tricks.

A few weeks ago his cell phone rang and a female's name was on the caller id. Consequently, I started checking the call log, which he then started deleting. He met socially with his divorce recovery group on a Saturday night not too long after this. His behavior up to and after this event for a few weeks was strange. He was distant and I felt something was not right.

Last week after a month of wondering, I told him about the call & asked him who Carrie was? He didnt say anything for about 10 mins, was teary eyed and finally said nothing happened. I again questioned who she was. He said she was a friend of another girl in this group. She is single and has never been married. I asked why she went to this event if she was single. He stated she just came along. I then asked why I couldn't attend also if that was the case.

He then stated that he talks to the girl that belongs to the group about being divorced and missing married life.He has no one to talk to and is sorry if some of his friends are girls. I told him I didnt object to that.

He said I dont trust him. I told him I did but when he is carrying on phone conversations with a Carrie, on the computer at night with the door closed (supposedly so I can sleep), and acting strange - it makes me wonder what's going on. I stated that we both played this game of cheating before so I know the rules.

So what's up with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ipugsley
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:23pm
Oh, he's got the line down doesn't he - calling foul - YOU don't trust ME. YIKES!!!

You have every right to be concerned. He's lied, been sneaky, and he's building an emotional, intimate relationship (bond) with another woman because he has no one else to talk to?!?! Sorry, I don't buy it. This is how affairs happen. He's already having an emotional affair.

Print this for him:

Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?

Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.

By Kim Campbell

In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.

But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.

These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.

“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.

Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.

Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”

Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.

In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.

“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.

About 8 mission to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”

That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.

Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.

For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.

From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass

WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE

Has your friendship become an emotional affair?

1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?

2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?

3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?

4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?

5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?

6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?

7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?

8. Are you in love with your friend?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-09-2003
In reply to: ipugsley
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 2:37pm
You have confirmed the way I feel. Not quite sure where to go from here.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: ipugsley
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 3:14pm
I feel for you. If it were me, I'd take one of three approaches 1) print out your scenario, my reply and the article and ask him what he thinks, 2) print out the article only and then discuss it and see where the discussion goes, 3) take him for a walk, away from the house and tell him 'I know you need someone to talk to about the divorce and recovery process. While you have made friends with this girl that is sympathtic to your situation and is a willing listener, the emotional bond you have created with her is unacceptable and is now threatening our relationship. So I need to know are you willing to break contact with her, rebuild the trust between us via couple's counseling or call it quits?"

I'm an all or nothing person. I won't be second to another relationship - I would take myself out of the equation first before I hold on to someone that loves the attention of another woman, gets an ego boost from it, and is building an emotional, intimate relationship with someone else that will probably at some point lead to a physical/sexual affair / relationship.

He has to decide what he really wants. Sorry for your pain.


Carrie