Trust Completely Broken
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|Sun, 06-16-2013 - 6:33pm|
I am set to get married in 4 1/2 months. My fiance and I have been together a little over a year and were engaged after six months of dating. While I was in a long-term relationship before (13 years) and had several partners, with 1-2 semi-serious relationships, he's never had a serious relationship - just casual dating and sex. Most of this is due to his anxiety issues, which he is seeing a therapist for and, when needed, I go (as a couple) if it's a session that affects us. We are both in our mid-to-late 30s; he is older than me.
Lately, I'm wondering if he really wants to marry me. Like many couples who plan and are serious about marriage, we talked about the big issues: children, money, and religion. We talked each point through and made decisions about each. Around Easter, I came home one night to have him tell me that after speaking to his friend (who has no children), he no longer wants children. This "best friend" from high school only calls when he has to brag, is constantly strapped for money, and lives a flashy lifestyle - with his wife currently wanting a child and him not wanting one. He follows the lead of this friend often and they're very close. He said he wanted me all to himself and that our lives would be ruined (no travel, etc.) and with his anxiety, isn't sure he can handle a child - like changing a diaper, as the sight of feces makes him vomit, which is why he cannot walk our dog. He told his nephew, who then told his entire family about him not wanting children, which I didn't know. (He shares everything with his family, especially his mother.) At a BBQ, I didn't know this, until his family member asked how I was handling "Ted" telling me he didn't want children. This hurt and when we got home, I calmly told him.
Fast-forward several weeks later. My dad wanted me to check the status of his Craigslist ad, as he was selling a truck. When I typed in Craigslist, I got links to ads for casual encounters with women. I confronted him and he said he always looks at these ads for fun. I have no problem with porn but was very upset because he could easily meet someone locally to hook up, which I explained and he didn't understand. He looks at porn pretty much every day, but he said the Craigslist thing is an occasional thing.
We brought this up with our therapist and talked about it, and he said he wouldn't do it (Craigslist) anymore. I told him I would work on trusting him. Just last week, however, he admitted to me he spoke to a female coworker ("Mary"), who he is close to and lives in another state three hours away, and told her he got written up at work but only told me he got a verbal warning. I was upset not that he talked to the coworker but that he lied about not being written up to me and told her the truth; because I got upset, he showed me the text message on his phone that nothing was going on between them and that was the only thing he said, but when I scrolled up, he had a message to her, asking for naked pics of an ex-girlfriend that is friends with Mary. He said it was a running joke, but I told him it wasn't funny and asked if he really wanted to get married because he's said little lies here and there and now I'm worried there are more and why would an engaged man, who claims to be happy, ask for naked pics of an ex-gf.
He drinks every day (typically, 2-4 beers + sometimes something hard). His anxiety has gotten worse since we moved to our current location on account of my acceptance with a worldwide corporation. Aside from the therapist, I have no one to talk to. He paints a pretty picture to his family and my family is non-existent.