Trust Completely Broken

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2002
Trust Completely Broken
9
Sun, 06-16-2013 - 6:33pm

I am set to get married in 4 1/2 months. My fiance and I have been together a little over a year and were engaged after six months of dating. While I was in a long-term relationship before (13 years) and had several partners, with 1-2 semi-serious relationships, he's never had a serious relationship - just casual dating and sex. Most of this is due to his anxiety issues, which he is seeing a therapist for and, when needed, I go (as a couple) if it's a session that affects us. We are both in our mid-to-late 30s; he is older than me.

Lately, I'm wondering if he really wants to marry me. Like many couples who plan and are serious about marriage, we talked about the big issues: children, money, and religion. We talked each point through and made decisions about each. Around Easter, I came home one night to have him tell me that after speaking to his friend (who has no children), he no longer wants children. This "best friend" from high school only calls when he has to brag, is constantly strapped for money, and lives a flashy lifestyle - with his wife currently wanting a child and him not wanting one. He follows the lead of this friend often and they're very close. He said he wanted me all to himself and that our lives would be ruined (no travel, etc.) and with his anxiety, isn't sure he can handle a child - like changing a diaper, as the sight of feces makes him vomit, which is why he cannot walk our dog. He told his nephew, who then told his entire family about him not wanting children, which I didn't know. (He shares everything with his family, especially his mother.) At a BBQ, I didn't know this, until his family member asked how I was handling "Ted" telling me he didn't want children. This hurt and when we got home, I calmly told  him.

Fast-forward several weeks later. My dad wanted me to check the status of his Craigslist ad, as he was selling a truck. When I typed in Craigslist, I got links to ads for casual encounters with women. I confronted him and he said he always looks at these ads for fun. I have no problem with porn but was very upset because he could easily meet someone locally to hook up, which I explained and he didn't understand. He looks at porn pretty much every day, but he said the Craigslist thing is an occasional thing.

We brought this up with our therapist and talked about it, and he said he wouldn't do it (Craigslist) anymore. I told him I would work on trusting him. Just last week, however, he admitted to me he spoke to a female coworker ("Mary"), who he is close to and lives in another state three hours away, and told her he got written up at work but only told me he got a verbal warning. I was upset not that he talked to the coworker but that he lied about not being written up to me and told her the truth; because I got upset, he showed me the text message on his phone that nothing was going on between them and that was the only thing he said, but when I scrolled up, he had a message to her, asking for naked pics of an ex-girlfriend that is friends with Mary. He said it was a running joke, but I told him it wasn't funny and asked if he really wanted to get married because he's said little lies here and there and now I'm worried there are more and why would an engaged man, who claims to be happy, ask for naked pics of an ex-gf.

He drinks every day (typically, 2-4 beers + sometimes something hard). His anxiety has gotten worse since we moved to our current location on account of my acceptance with a worldwide corporation. Aside from the therapist, I have no one to talk to. He paints a pretty picture to his family and my family is non-existent.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2011
Mon, 07-01-2013 - 3:11pm

move along... very simple...

if this happened in a restaurant, you werent getting served and the waiter keeps stringing you around what would be your decision?

get the heck outta here and go eat in a place that serves food.....

kapiche?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2002
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 11:19pm

What first attracted to him was his kind, sweet nature and the fact he had a close relationship with his family. We both love to travel, read, enjoy movies, and share similar senses of humor.

While his tastes are different than mine (he's not as adventurous with food or life), I believe he brings the calm to my storm in that we balance each other out. He helps me around the house, and is good at coming up with special dates and so forth.

He did hide the complexity of his anxiety issues until he moved in (after we got engaged), which made me upset, if not angry, as he told me he thought I'd leave if I knew the extent. However, that being said, he is working with a therapist to get through it.

Yes, the Craigslist ads disturb me as does his request for naked pics of his ex. My question to the person to ask about treating him like a child and trusting him to not look - what other alternative is there? I have too many female friends who have their husbands' passwords from the get-go; however, I don't want to be that person.

Right now, I'm confused - not because I want an out - but because I feel like I was told one thing when there was actually were many things that were hidden. I question whether he wants to marry me simply because it's what's expected of him - as he is 39, never been married, etc. - especially by his parents (really, mom) I am not writing-off what's happened nor his immaturity.

He tells me he loves me and only sees a life with me, which makes this even harder.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-05-2002
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 11:13pm

I am happy he has a sounding board (like his friend in Oregon who used to work with him). But is it right he wants her to send him pics of his naked ex when he's about to get married? I've always been self-reliant, so I only trust myself, but I don't want to think of the world as being full of people I can't trust.

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 06-21-2013 - 10:55am

I agree with all the others, do not marry this guy. I would say not until he sorts out his problems but at this stage of ones life, I would expect one to be farther along in the maturity department. If you marry him you will be guaranteed to have problems and they are only going to snowball.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-29-2010
Tue, 06-18-2013 - 2:27am

There are some big issues there that would be dealbreakers for a lot of couples, like telling other people that he doesn't want kids before he tells you, the person who will be most affected by that decision; or the stuff about other women. If he was 15 years younger I might say that its due to immaturity and he can outgrow them, but by his late-30s his ways are probably established and will take a lot of will and desire on his part to change. Why do you want to marry him, what are his good points? Are there so many that they trump the bad points that you mentioned?

Like the others said, it good that you're finding out these things about him before you are legally joined. I think you should at least postpone the wedding until you're comfortable that you can live with the man he is--because you cannot count on him changing for the better later.

If you really want kids then you should just end it now, so you can find a man who is sure he wants kids and who is willing and able to participate in all aspects of childcare and parenting.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 9:00am

Just be glad that you discovered all his "issues" now.  Call off the wedding!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Mon, 06-17-2013 - 12:24am

Why would you even consider marrying this man?  He tells everyone everything except you!  He ignores your family.  He doesn't think for himself, he lets his friend think for him, and now he doesn't want children. He looks at local ads for women, and you believe it's only for fun?  And you treat him the way you would treat a child!  Don't look anymore, and the child says ok mommy, but he looks anyway, of course.  He's an alcoholic, and that's his "anxiety".  He needs to grow up in many ways, and he is in NO WAY ready to marry anyone.  He has multiple problems, and if you go ahead and marry him anyway, there will be a divorce in a year or two, or you'll live a lifetime of misery.  End the engagement and get on with your life.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sun, 06-16-2013 - 9:58pm

  it seems to me that it is you that is looking for a way out.   Why should he not have a sounding board?  Everyone needs to sort out all their feelings.  Many people just go along with the program with out examining what it is that they want or accept.   Later they find that it is not the life that they are happy with.  Both it seems are not so sure. 

     Trust is an illusion anyway.  You can hope to trust one person...yourself in life.  Others are not you.  Cannot be you.  So trusting them is not wise.

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 06-16-2013 - 9:02pm

You are asking about whether he wants to get married but I wonder why you would want to marry this guy?  He has anxiety, he doesn't want kids (but instead of discussing that with you, you had to hear this big decision from someone else--and did you want kids?), he drinks and maybe is cheating--what is so great about him?