The trust is gone, should we end it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2006
The trust is gone, should we end it?
2
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 3:30am

My boyfriend (I'll call him "A") and I get along really well and I love him so much that I seriously want to move in with him and share my life with him. He says he wants to be with me too and we plan to move in together. We've been together 10 months plan to move in within the next 6 months. But... there's a problem.

When A and I met he was still talking to two of his ex's. We had a really rocky start to our relationship caused by the fact that I wanted independance and therefore I didn't want to commit right away but he did. After two months I found out that he was still talking to an ex, who's married, but they were telling each other they love each other. After confronting him we worked it out and he stopped talking to her. Well, after four months we ended up breaking up (his idea because of my independent behavior because I didn't trust him enough to commit completely) and he went back to his OTHER ex (who he broke up with right before me) and tried to get back together with her. He slept with her too.

After being gone a week to visit her he decided he wanted to be with me and we got back together. He lied about seeing her. I had a feeling that he did but he denied it until I ended up finding her number and calling her and she told me that she had no idea he had ever been dating anyone and that he STILL called her after he came back and got together with me. Well, somehow we got through that too and I forgave him for sleeping with her because we were broken up but in the back of my mind I've never forgotten that she said he called her all the time and told her he loved her. I feel like he can't get over past relationships and he wants to hold on. Well, we got really close after the breakup... I totally changed for him and stopped going out all the time because when we were apart I realized what I was missing and how much I love him.

Well, I don't believe that he doesn't talk to his ex anymore even though he claims he did because he was talking to her the ENTIRE time before our breakup and always told me he wasn't when I asked (he had forced me to stop talking to mine but still talked to his). I don't care if he sees my cell phone but he won't let me see his no matter what. I admit I did go too far calling his ex and he says that's why he doesn't want me to see his phone. But that was in the past and I moved past his mistakes so shouldn't he move past mine? I never cheated on him and I have nothing to hide but I feel like he's hiding something from me. Everytime he goes out without me or whenever I can't get ahold of him and don't know where he is I go crazy because I don't trust him even though I try to. I told him that if he didn't keep his phone locked or erase all past calls when he does show it to me then I could trust him but he won't budge on this.

This lack of trust is making me wonder if this will work out. He says I have nothing to worry about but I'm so desparate that I feel like I shouldn't totally commit to him because he might not truly love me or might be lying to me and I can't stand feeling that way. I told him to be truthful and that I don't care if he's talking to anyone but I'd rather just know about it but he said he isn't. He doesn't want me going out and wants to know where I am all the time but he won't do the same for me. I am haunted by the conversation with his ex when she told me she didn't even know he had a girlfriend. The whole time before our breakup when he was talking to her he never told her he was in a serious relationship and that bothers me so much! it seems like he didn't want to let her go. Should I just give him up? I love him and love how we get along now. Everything is perfect except that I can't trust him!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 05-06-2007 - 10:46am

I don't blame you one bit for not trusting him.

"Everything is perfect except that I can't trust him!"

Trust, in my opinion, is the foundation of any relationship. If you have no trust, you can't build anything on top of it. You may have a great relationship in your eyes but you are constantly doubting him. Is that really a good, healthy, quality relationship?

It seems to me like you are giving all you have to the relationship at this point in time and he is not. It also does not seem fair to me that he can tell you not to go out and you must report to him where you are at all times, yet he can do whatever, whenever he wants. He has also lied to you, did not tell his ex about you and won't let you see his phone. This is all very fishy behavior to me.

If you want to have a relationship with this man you need to let go of what happened in the past and move on. At the very least put off moving in with him until you can trust him. Moving in with him is not going to fix your problems. You can try couples counceling also. If you can't trust him and you don't think you can move past this, you need to break up with him and move on. If it were me, I would be moving right along. This much crap and drama this early in the relationship is a bad sign.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-17-2007
Tue, 05-15-2007 - 10:53am
Mocha, do you want to be his third EX ??? don't do it!!!