trust issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
trust issues
5
Wed, 02-06-2008 - 9:06pm

So here's the deal: I went to the bar last April (it is not February 2008) for my friend's birthday, got drunk, and danced with a friend of mine I saw there. You could classify this dancing as "grinding." My boyfriend's friend called him, telling him what was going on, and when we started talking about it the next day, he was really upset--said he felt sick to his stomach because he couldn't bear the thought of me doing that. I told him I was really sorry, that I was drunk (even though that is not much of an excuse), and that I realize what I did was very wrong, apologized, and we "got over it."
However, I went out to the bars again in November, and he got very angry, saying he didn't know why I went. He considers it a sleazy place to be (especially if you are in a relationship) and hates girls who go there, calling them whores.
In response to this, and in regard to our history with bars, I told him I was not interested in going anymore. This, at the time, was the way I felt.
Since then, we had another argument about it, and I finally was able to explain to him that if any time, now he can trust me because I was so scared I was going to lose him, and that I understand what I did wrong, and would never do it again. I told him that some girls who go to the bar are just looking for reassurance that they are attractive, and that that was partially why I did what I did. Although NOW, I told him, all I need is him for reassurance (which is true).
So now, I feel I want to go to bars again--just for fun with my girlfriends, because, let's face it--it is a fun place to go. With all this history, I am obviously not going to make the same mistake again; I truly love him and I think I might want to spend a long time with him...but he still maintains that he doesn't think it is a "good place" for me to go to, and that "I am a liar" for saying I didn't want to go, and now I do.
HELP!
Do I deserve this behaviour from him? Or should he be over it by now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
In reply to: immyounizeme
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 1:42pm

Welcome to the board immyounizeme,


I can understand why you bf is upset and worried about your going to the bars again. Why don't you invite him to go with you?

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: immyounizeme
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 1:47pm

His feelings are understandable and normal. No one wants to hear that their girlfriend has been grinding in a bar with another guy. He's made it clear that he's not comfortable with the bar scene and what goes on there. If you wish to be in a relationship with him, you need to respect his boundaries, feelings and sensibilities. There are other men who might not feel so strongly about it, but you are not in a relationship with them. If your need to go to the bars and have fun there is stronger than your need to be in a relationship with him, then you have to take a good look at whether or not this is a suitable relationship for you. But, if you do choose to be with him, then it is also important to respect his feelings on this matter. It's not a questions of his getting over it, it's a question of what he feels comfortable with in a relationship.


All good wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
In reply to: immyounizeme
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 1:52pm
Hello, thanks for your response
I should probably mention that he does not like going to the bars.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2008
In reply to: immyounizeme
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 1:59pm

Hi, thanks for your response


Yes, I agree with what you're saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-07-2008
In reply to: immyounizeme
Thu, 02-07-2008 - 2:13pm

Just because you decided you wanted to go to the bars with your friends again does not in any way mean you're a liar. It simply means you changed your mind. For Pete's sake, its been almost a year. Don't give up fun and friendship because of his insecurities. Dancing with a friend in a bar, even if its bumping and grinding, is no way cheating. Some men like to see that their partners are having fun. Some men even like to see their partners get drunk. Aren't most of us "easier" when we've had a few? Maybe he should come a long and help you get home safe if he's worried that someone may take advantage of you. Even if he doesn't like the bar seen. Do you try to keep him from doing things he likes just because you may not like to do what he likes?

Jesacomi