trust issues
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| Fri, 04-23-2004 - 3:25pm |
I'm 19 and I've been with my girlfriend for a little more than a year and a half. We recently got an apartment together and have been running to some problems, which I knew would show up eventually. I've never had a relationship before this one, shes been in a couple but nothing very long term. The biggest thing that we have fought about recently is how shes been talking a lot to one of her friends from high school. This friends a guy that she was pretty close with in high school and even told me she had a crush on. He called her about a week ago and since then they talk on the phone 3 or 4 times a day sometimes for more than a half an hour, and its been really hard to trust that hes "just a friend". I always feel like shes hiding something from me now, whenever they talk she always goes into the other room or tells him she talk to him later. It's like she doesn't want to talk to him in front of me, and when I said something about it she just says that she should be able to have her privacy when she talks to her friend. What I dont understand is why she makes such a big point of not letting me hear what she says. She says that I should trust that she wont leave me for someone else and all of that stuff, but I wish it was that easy. Lately I think about her a lot and it seems that I think shes hiding something from me a lot. I guess my question is how can I deal with this, I want to be able to trust her but its hard when I feel like shes trying so hard to keep something from me. It also makes me wonder how much she cares about me anymore, sometimes it feels like she spends more time talking to him than to me, and we just dont do all the little things that we used to do together in the beginning. I just need how to get through this, because I always hear that lack of trust is the downfall to a lot of relationships but its not as easy as just telling myself to trust her.
Thanks
James

By talking to this friend all the time and in secret is not acting very trustworthy. I mean, we all need privacy sometimes, but this seems to have gone beyond privacy. She is acting very secretive.
It sounds to me like you and she moved too quickly in your relationship and got serious before she (and possibly you too) were ready for this type of commitment. 19 is pretty young to be in a commited relationship like this - you've only been an adult for a year or so. People change a lot during this time as they figure out who they are and what they want out of life. Your GF sounds like she is having some doubts about you and your relationship and that's totally normal. Everyone questions their goals and their relationships at this time in their lives. It just happens.
So bottom line, I wouldn't be surprised if your GF has feelings for this other guy. Even if she hasn't actually cheated on you, her friendship with this other guy may have caused her to reassess her relationship with you and to figure out if it's really what she wants. I'd have an honest, heart to heart talk with her - no fighting, no accusing, just a talk to get all the feelings out there and see what is really going on.
She's investing a lot of time and effort into this 'friend' - when a relationship is in the beginning stages, there is lots of contact, lots of sharing, then once the relationship is established, that daily, 3-4 times a day contact diminishes. So what you have here is her sharing with this guy, building a relationship outside of the one she has with you, with emotional bonding going on, hmm, read that emotional affair, cheating.
She doesn't acknowledge or seem to care that you are uncomfortable with this situation, doesn't seem to notice that it's affecting the relationship the two of you have....why, because she likes the attention she is getting from this guy.
1) trust your gut feeling. If you think she's hiding something, then she probabaly is.
2) get the book 10 Things Couple's do to mess up their relationship and let Dr Laura tell her she's wrong
3) suggest couple's counseling (her reaction will be very telling
If he was just a friend, then you would have met him, he'd respect her relationship with you and not want to do anything to harm it, heck, she would respect her relationship with you too and take your feelings into consideration.
I also suggest you print out some of the responses you got and share them with her.
Reading material:
Is it ‘just friends’ – or emotional infidelity?
Even though there’s no sex, you still could be unfaithful, marriage counselors warn.
By Kim Campbell
In the minds of many, the definition of marital infidelity is pretty straightforward: If you have a sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse, you’ve cheated.
But marriage counselors are adding more gray to that definition by identifying non-physical ways of being unfaithful – such as forming attachments that rob a spouse of emotional intimacy.
These aren’t the bonds forged on a “girls’ night out,” but rather those formed between two co-workers who, for examples, share everything – their aspirations, their marriage woes – and keep the extent of their friendship a secret from their spouses.
“If you are skimming off the aspects of your inner life…and reserving them for your ‘friend,’ you are cheating your spouse of intimacy,” says William Doherty, a professor of family social science at the University of Minnesota.
Some experts have gone as far as to call this a new crisis of infidelity – one that is changing the way gender relationships are viewed. T hat’s the position taken by the late Shirley Glass, a researcher and family therapist whose last book was published earlier this year, before her death.
Glass found it wasn’t just thrill seekers or those unhappy in marriage who are prone to emotional cheating. “The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they’ve crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love,” she wrote in “NOT ‘Just Friends’: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal.”
Today, there are greater opportunities for intimate relationships to form between men and women and for the boundaries between platonic and romantic feelings to blur, she and others argue. Changes in the work force have brought more women into offices at all levels, and the Internet has made it far easier to quickly form bonds with strangers.
In both cases, it can be easy to meet someone and suspend reality. On the Internet, a contact can become a romanticized ideal without faults. And, in the office, an intriguing co-worker can seem more exciting than a spouse with whom you have to pay bills and fix plumbing.
“An emotional affair to me can be as damaging as a sexual affair, because an emotional connection is what people really want,” says Rona Subotnik, a marriage and family therapist in Palm Desert and author of books on infidelity, including Internet relationships. The workplace is a particularly fertile ground for cheating, experts say. By some accounts, the office is replacing the local pub as the place where men and women meet – and cheat.
About 8 million to 10 million new relationship are formed annually in offices, according to Dennis Powers, a professor of business law at Southern Oregon University in Ashland and author of the 1998 book “The Office Romance.”
That figure is for singles entering relationship, but the same environment might easily influence those who are married. Working closely together on a project, for example, can be enticing, as can simply being around someone every day who shares similar goals and aspirations. An “emotional affair” tends to involve sexual attraction – even if not acted on – and secrecy on the part of a married participant, therapists note. It can be difficult in the workplace to realize an emotional affair is developing, says Doherty, because there’s usually not a big event, like a sexual encounter, to signal that you’ve turned a corner. Even so, not everyone believes that interaction between men and women in the workplace spells disaster. “The mere fact that a person has friendships from work by itself can’t be considered unethical. The question is where it crosses the line,” Powers says.
Some observers note that the issue of emotional affairs is prompting new rules for gender relationships, but not everyone thinks more rules are the best idea. Laura Kipnis, author of the recent book “Against Love: A Polemic,” questions whether it is right for one partner to control another’s autonomy or intimacies too much. “To what extent is it ethical…that their movements or associates should be restricted to appease my own anxiety or insecurity?” she asks.
For her part, Glass offers a framework for separating home and work (recreation) relationships, noting that fidelity is about maintaining appropriate boundaries. Among her suggestions: discuss relationship issues at home, don’t lunch or take private coffee breaks with the same person, discuss your online friendships with your partner, and surround yourself with friends who are happily married and who are committed to the idea of fidelity.
From “NOT ‘Just Friends’ ” by Shirley Glass
WHEN FRIENDSHIP CROSSES THE LINE
Has your friendship become an emotional affair?
1. Do you confide more to your friend than to your partner about how your day went?
2. Do you discuss negative feelings or intimate details about your marriage with your friend but not with your partner?
3. Are you open with your partner about the extent of your involvement with your friend?
4. Would you feel comfortable if your partner heard your conversation with your friend?
5. Would you feel comfortable if your partner saw a videotape of your meetings?
6. Are you aware of sexual tensions in this friendship?
7. Do you and your friend touch differently when you’re alone than in front of others?
8. Are you in love with your friend?
Carrie
Does she insist on this "privacy" when she talks to all
Carrie