Trust Issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Trust Issues
3
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 1:35pm
HI

Im in need of some advice. I have some serious trust and honesty issues with my boyfriend of 4 years. It all started when we first got together. We have this on and off again relationship. When I met him we became very best friends. He was in a relationship and so was I. We both ended our relationships and after awhile started to see each other. He remained very close to his ex. It bugged me but reassured me that they were just friends. Well we ended up breaking up and he went back to her. This went on for 3 of the years we have dated. Everytime we would break up he would go back. The reason why we would break up was because of her. He would say they were just friends yet they would talk and email almost every day. It was hard because I loved him and I really wanted this to work out. Finally about a year ago she met someone else and now she is engaged to marry this man. I believe they have stopped being so close because of this. I ask him if they still talk and he says sometimes. The problem now is that we are trying to make this work and I have a serious problem with trusting him with what he says. I question everything. I really would like to work thru this but I feel like our relationship is too damaged by the past. I would like some advice on how to work on trust and honesty?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: lucky2624
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 3:37pm
The problem with on again, off again relationships is that they will never work if positive change does not occur before dating again. It seems that the same underlying problem remained, you just decided to continue dating him because you missed him. His behavior and desire to see his ex never changed and it ws obviously more than a friendship or he wouldn't have gone back to her when you broke up.

Now that she is getting married, you can not assume that his feelings for her have totally died. He could still be carrying a torch for her even if she has moved on romantically.

How is the relationship otherwise. Do you think he loves you or do you feel like you are his second choice? Does he treat you well? Does he talk about the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
In reply to: lucky2624
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:30pm
I have never questioned that fact that he loves me. I have always felt that from him. I don't feel like im second best but I do feel like he still cares about her. We haven't talked about her in awhile. I think that maybe something happen for them to stop talking. That is another reason why I have issue about it. He is never open and honest with me if he talks to her. He says its because we end up in a fight over it or I will get mad. I just would like to work on this. Its weird because they don't see each other its just over the phone and email. Oh yeah and did I forget to mention that her fiance has meet my boyfriend and they get along really well. They went to a few martial arts classes together. Its just a weird situation. I just need to figure out if I can trust him. I know it starts with communication but I don't see him being able to open up. I guess he figures that I will just get mad so he doesn't say anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: lucky2624
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 5:07pm
Doesn't sound like your relationship is based on honesty and trust. He remained friends with her, went back to her numerous times when you two broke up, in my opinion, that tells me he still has feelings for her, didn't want to be alone or was using her as a back up plan in case things didn't work out for the two of you.

Suggest couple's counseling to have a safe place to clear the air and work through the issues. If he's not willing to go, it will say a lot about how he really feels.


Carrie