Trust issues
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Trust issues
| Tue, 12-30-2003 - 5:39pm |
My boyfriend and i have been together almost a year and a half. About three months ago i came across an email that he had sent to another woman from germany on a porn/personals web site. He asked for more pictures of her and said things like she was "stunning" and that he couldnt wait to talk to her. After confronting him he told me that he was surfing porn sites and came across her picture and wanted to get naked photos to use as stimulation for masturbating. He clamed that all the flattering language was B.S to get her to send him some. After taking some time to think about the situation i contacted him and we decided to stay together. The problem is that I feel angry because he has caused me pain and yet he feels none. I am the one struggling with self esteem issues, trust issues and insecurities, he is perfectly happy. I feel resentment towards him and i have withdrawn emotionally from the relationship. He wants to be with me and says that he will do anything i need him to. I believe he made an immature stupid decision, he is only 21 and i am his first serious girlfriend. I would like to try to work this out but i dont know where to begin. Please help

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Peace - Pebbles
Is this how he treats you too? Do you trust him when he flatters you?
The place to begin working on this is with yourself. You need to build up your own self esteem and sense of worth, whether or not you are in this relationship. When we have feelings of insecurity then many things that happen can shake us and make us upset. We can never control what happens in life and in relationships, but we can control and work on the way we feel about ourselves, so that outside events do not have the power to shake us and make us feel so bad. Your boyfriend is very young and he behaved in a foolish way. His behavior says nothing about you, it does not reflect upon your own worth or desirability. It reflects upon him. Whether or not you choose to let this go and stay with him, learn how to feel good about yourself. Different women have different reactions to their partners interest in porn. For some, it is unacceptable, a form of disloayalty. For others, it's okay. You have to decide how you feel about his being involved with these porn sites and especially going further and contacting someone. If this makes you feel uneasy, insecure and resentful, then it is not something that should be a part of your relationship. Set a boundary. Let him know that this kind of behavior is not acceptable to you. If he can't deal with that, then he is not the person for you. Find someone else who can respect your values here. It is crucial to know what we can tolerate in relationships and what is unacceptable and to stick to that. Rather than resent your boyfriend, respect yourself, and do what makes you feel healthy and worthwhile.
Best wishes.
It's A New Day With Dr Shoshanna - Wed. 2-3 EST.
P.S thank you pebbles for the reminder :o)
Reading material for your other issues:Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse
How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer
How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon
The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen
The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz
My best to you.
Carrie
I know how you feel about the self esteem as I have had similar myself for the past few days, but I keep telling myself as you must tell yourself this is not a reflection on you as a person and you are still a good person. Nothing has changed that fact.
With regards to betrayal and forgiveness its not easy but he did not actually do anything apart from acting out a fantasy. There was no actual physical contact. I would try to let this go an as you have done set boundries for the future.
I wish you all the best, you will resolve this
Best wishes
Matt
::With regards to betrayal and forgiveness its not easy but he did not actually do anything apart from acting out a fantasy.
If your girlfriend did this, how would you feel? Betrayed I bet. That's not a fantasy, that's 'hey, let me hit on this girl and she if she'll send me a pic, so what if I have a girlfriend/wife/sig other.' That's playing with fire and crosses the boundary big time.
My boyfriend read this and thankfully sees it the same way I do.
Carrie
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