Trust issues

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
Trust issues
14
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 5:39pm
My boyfriend and i have been together almost a year and a half. About three months ago i came across an email that he had sent to another woman from germany on a porn/personals web site. He asked for more pictures of her and said things like she was "stunning" and that he couldnt wait to talk to her. After confronting him he told me that he was surfing porn sites and came across her picture and wanted to get naked photos to use as stimulation for masturbating. He clamed that all the flattering language was B.S to get her to send him some. After taking some time to think about the situation i contacted him and we decided to stay together. The problem is that I feel angry because he has caused me pain and yet he feels none. I am the one struggling with self esteem issues, trust issues and insecurities, he is perfectly happy. I feel resentment towards him and i have withdrawn emotionally from the relationship. He wants to be with me and says that he will do anything i need him to. I believe he made an immature stupid decision, he is only 21 and i am his first serious girlfriend. I would like to try to work this out but i dont know where to begin. Please help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:31am
Start by going to counseling to deal with these self-esteem issues or they will plague every area of your life. Really, this relationship is not nearly as important as working on yourself and building self-esteem will be. Remember, it's hard to have a successful loving relationship when you do not love yourself enough.

Peace - Pebbles

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 8:37am
If it were me I would not be compatible with this man on a values level - he lied to another person to get pictures for his sexual gratification . Think about what that says about his attitude towards and respect for, women and imagine having a daughter with him and what he will tell her about men.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:02am
'He clamed that all the flattering language was B.S to get her to send him some'

Is this how he treats you too? Do you trust him when he flatters you?

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:00am

The place to begin working on this is with yourself. You need to build up your own self esteem and sense of worth, whether or not you are in this relationship. When we have feelings of insecurity then many things that happen can shake us and make us upset. We can never control what happens in life and in relationships, but we can control and work on the way we feel about ourselves, so that outside events do not have the power to shake us and make us feel so bad. Your boyfriend is very young and he behaved in a foolish way. His behavior says nothing about you, it does not reflect upon your own worth or desirability. It reflects upon him. Whether or not you choose to let this go and stay with him, learn how to feel good about yourself. Different women have different reactions to their partners interest in porn. For some, it is unacceptable, a form of disloayalty. For others, it's okay. You have to decide how you feel about his being involved with these porn sites and especially going further and contacting someone. If this makes you feel uneasy, insecure and resentful, then it is not something that should be a part of your relationship. Set a boundary. Let him know that this kind of behavior is not acceptable to you. If he can't deal with that, then he is not the person for you. Find someone else who can respect your values here. It is crucial to know what we can tolerate in relationships and what is unacceptable and to stick to that. Rather than resent your boyfriend, respect yourself, and do what makes you feel healthy and worthwhile.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 11:49am
No i dont believe him when he does the same to me. I dont think its sexually motivated, like hes only saying it to get sex, but i cant put any faith in his words so they dont mean anything to me even if he is sincere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 12:13pm
THank you for the response. I realize that i have been letting my boyfriend determine my self worth and that is something i need to do. I plan on looking into getting help for the self esteem issues ( i have a feeling they run a bit deeper than just this relationship). I have set boundaries with my boyfiend. I am not ok with the contact with this woman or the nature of this web site. I also feel strongly about the lying, its unacceptable. I told him that if he ever does anything like this again or lies to me then i will leave him. I made him understand that if he chooses to lie he is choosing to end the relationship, its his call. I believe in second chances but not third.

P.S thank you pebbles for the reminder :o)

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 12:44pm
I agree with all the other replies you got....I would add, he didn't have to solicite a woman for pics if that's what he really wanted, heck any newstand carries pics - there are also places to go buy them. I wouldn't trust him.

Reading material for your other issues:Learning to Love Yourself: Finding Your Self-Worth, by Sharon Wegscheider Cruse

How to Succeed at Being Yourself: Finding the Confidence to Fulfill Your Destiny, by Joyce Meyer

How to Raise Your Self-Esteem, Nathaniel Brandon

The Aladdin Factor, Jack Canfield & Mark Victor Hansen

The Magic of Thinking Big, David J. Schwartz

My best to you.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 2:29pm


I know how you feel about the self esteem as I have had similar myself for the past few days, but I keep telling myself as you must tell yourself this is not a reflection on you as a person and you are still a good person. Nothing has changed that fact.

With regards to betrayal and forgiveness its not easy but he did not actually do anything apart from acting out a fantasy. There was no actual physical contact. I would try to let this go an as you have done set boundries for the future.

I wish you all the best, you will resolve this

Best wishes

Matt

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 3:43pm
Matt,

::With regards to betrayal and forgiveness its not easy but he did not actually do anything apart from acting out a fantasy.

If your girlfriend did this, how would you feel? Betrayed I bet. That's not a fantasy, that's 'hey, let me hit on this girl and she if she'll send me a pic, so what if I have a girlfriend/wife/sig other.' That's playing with fire and crosses the boundary big time.

My boyfriend read this and thankfully sees it the same way I do.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-30-2003
In reply to: rubyred9109
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:15pm
I would tend to agree that it is playing with fire. The only thing that swayed me the other direction was that this woman was from Germany ( he definatly cant afford that plane ticket). There are a lot of technicalities in the situation that seem a bit odd like the earlier mentioned, there are plenty of places to get nude photos without actually emailing someone. I think it was truly a stupid immature action that had little or no thought behind it. Ive seen the web site and the girl, ive gone over and over the details and that is my assesment. It is very hard to trust him (especially as i have been cheeted on in the past) and i struggle with it every day. The one thing that keeps me with him is that i know without a doubt that he loves me. Maybe i am naive in staying with him but i believe that if he is dishonest and betrays me that i will find out in time. All i know is that i will learn something about my situation that will help me in life. Maybe this incident was ment to happen to push me into finally adressing my self esteem issues or working through my trust issues in general, who knows. Whatever dosnt kill us makes us stronger... Thank you so much for all the responses, they are a Tremendous help.

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