Trust Issues-Down to the Last Straw

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Trust Issues-Down to the Last Straw
10
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 4:21pm
I have always had a hard time trusting people, especially men/boyfriends, almost my entire life. My father has been divorced twice and is currently in his third marriage, and my mom has been divorced twice and is in her third "committed relationship". I have 4 older sisters, one has been divorced twice already, and one recently divorced b/c of husbands infidelity. My previous relationship ended after my ex cheated on my on several occasions. Needless to say, I always have a preconceived notion that men will cheat, or do something wrong that is against me or that will hurt me.

I am currently in a new relationship, we have been together for a year and I absolutely adore him. He does absolutely nothing wrong in this relationship and does everything for me and us. He has always treated me with the most respect, love, kindness, generosity that I could ever ask for. He was eager to meet my family as well as introduce me to his family. He tells me he wants to marry me and he wants to be with me for the rest of his life.

My "trust" issues started resurfacing about 6 months ago by me making comments towards him about his character, and his credibility towards being an honest man. He has done nothing wrong, and has never cheated, or even came close to acting as if he has...yet I started making comments which implied that. At first, he would talk to me about it, and ask why I felt that way, and reassured me that he loves me and would not do anything to jeopardize our relationship, etc. Eventually he started to get angry when I did this sort of thing, and it would cause a huge fight. Now, he doesnt even think or pause when I make these comments, he immediately gets extremely angry and doesnt even want to look at me, he has started telling me that he cannot put up with this the rest of his life and he is scared that I will never change.

I realize now that it is ruining our relationship. I tried telling him that it has nothing to do with him, that it is just the way that I think. I recognize it is wrong and a problem, thats why Im writing here. He is the love of my life and I am pushing him away.

How can i change my thinking so it will not ruin our relationship? If we are watching a program together and there are guys cheating on their wives/gf or maybe young guys hooking up with different girls on vacation, I immediatly get disgusted and make a comment towards my boyfriend. This is ruining us...how do I get over these issues?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 4:34pm
Hi,

I would suggest going to counseling and try to resolve these issues you have with trusting men. Your b/f sounds supportive just make sure that he knows WHY you are acting this way. Apoligize for it/ because it is not fair to him. You say he has done nothing to make him deserve to be untrusted. Do your best to stop saying things to him for no reason. It sounds like he really loves you and wants to be with you. Just be happy you are with someone who treats you good. But definetely go see a counselor. Good luck Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 4:46pm
I have always thought about counseling, but never actually taken the initiative to go or find one.

My bf and I had a long talk last night b/c he got really upset after I made a comment. When he gets so upset, I usually get my feelings hurt and I dont understand why he gets sooo upset at me..but I wasnt realizing that it is hurting his feelings more than I know.

He told me that if I dont stop doing that we will have to break up b/c he cannot deal with that treatment, he says hed rather be alone. He was really hurt and sad when he said that, but he said it is all he ever thinks about (when am I going to say something again) and it has him on his toes all the time.

I tried explaining to him that I am not "doing" anything to him..it is just the way that I think..and thats why I dont really notice it, and mainly why its so hard for me to stop. He said that he doesnt want to break up with and he loves me and wants me to change so this can work out. He said we need to take it one day at a time and I should try my hardest not to say those things anymore. Im just so scared that it will slip out, and he will flip out again.

Saturday night he walked out of the house and didnt come back for seven hours (without calling-he shut off his phone). He said he couldnt take it anymore and he had to be alone.

I am so hurt and my heart is breaking b/c I am not intentionally trying to sabotage this relationship, and I know now that is what Im doing. I dont want to lose him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 4:55pm
I am so sorry that you have to go through this. Getting counseling for your issues is the only thing I can think of to help. Please at least try it. Good luck Jessica

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 4:57pm
Thanks Jessica.

I dont even know what kind of counselor to go to. SHould i go to a medical psychiatrist? or a counselor.how do I find the right one? Thats why I have never been, I dont know where to start!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 5:12pm
You are making him angry to the point that he is ready to throw in the towel.

Since you know that you are doing wrong, why don't you change? No one can make you change unless you want to. It's up to you.

There is no reason why you can't keep your mouth shut when you see these TV shows.

Figure it this way, if you continue to aggravate him, you will lose him. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 5:26pm
I have had experience with therapists and a psychologist, no one helped me, the psychologist made me feel worse than when I went in to see him.

There are good therapists, and you will have to ask around.

Maybe you want to test him to reassure yourself that he won't cheat on you. You have had some bad influences with your families record of divorces and cheating. It's understandable that you would be very cautious. But, honey, it is up to you to realize that your boyfriend has his limitations as to your constant questioning about if he will cheat on you.

You can stop, if you really want to. YOur insecurities are making you feel very untrusting. In a relationship, trust is a must, otherwise the relationship will not continue. good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 5:53pm
That is my whole problem. Trust. Deep inside, I know that he loves me to death and wouldnt do anything to hurt me or us. But I cannot let go of the trust issues. how do i have 100% total trust so I dont even think twice about the negative??

Im not clear on what you said about having to test him. What exactly am i testing?

I completely know that my attitude is causing his irritability with me.

We will be fine one day, maybe two days, until I happen to let one comment out-and then all hell breaks loose. I want to stop it, I just dont know how. Thats why I am posting on here. I dont know how to let it go. How do I NOT think negative things when I see guys cheating or acting dishonest? My bf says I should not like that, but I should not associate them with him. He is right. I dont know how to just keep my mouth shut. If I dont say anything, I will think it, and it will eventually come out. How do I erase those thoughts from my mind so I can control it? Thats what I am trying to figure out.

In a way, I know that I am the only person who can change myself, not a shrink or anyone else. Maybe I need positive advice or direction so i can get over those feelings. They are self-destructive. Its almost like a split personality-I can be totally fine and happy and loving and then all of a sudden my mood will change and I will start making negative comments, and then I wont stop, Ill just keep at it until he blows up and then I cry and feel bad, and its too late by then. I dont know what my problem is and thats why i dont know how to fix it!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:12pm
You just have to force yourself to stop because you are driving him away. Ever heard the phrase " have the name play the game"? well I would stop because being accused of something over and over again will either drive you away OR drive you into someone elses arms. So by doing what you are doing you are almost pushing him to cheat. Just have faith in him. What state do you live in??
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:22pm
ca
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 6:31pm
Just open the phone book and start calling around and find a counseling place that will take you in with your insurance or cash whichever. Or try calling your local health department they might be able to guide you in the right direction. Good luck