trust in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-24-2005
trust in a relationship
3
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 3:30pm
my boyfriend thinks i dont trust him. i always question the relationship and him. and i do. i do it because he has stopped writing me love notes and stopped telling me how he feels for me and this has caused me to be alarmed. i am very insecure. so i think that the relationship is going to end. i might very well be sabotaging it subconsiously. i tell him that he stopped telling me how he felt for me and it is what is causing my trust issues. he also pushes me away when i want to initiate any kind of intimacy or sex. so i tell him too that i take it when he rejects me that he is sleeping with someone else or not interested. but he as well has serious issues with pleasing me and his performance, because he finishes too quickly. I am 29 he is 31. i have also dated terrible guys that have stood me up and had their feelings change for me. so i am constantly paranoid in this relationship. what do i do? is it me? am i placing blame on him for my feelings?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 4:56pm

Welcome to the board italgerl,


It sounds like you and your bf would both benefit from some individual counseling as you both have issues that are affecting the relationship. Yours being insecure/low self esteem and his being the sex/performance issues. It seems like his issue with sex only makes your insecurities worse. It is a vicious cycle that won't stop unless something is done to fix the underlying issues.


Good luck.


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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-10-2007 - 5:30pm

If he pushes you away when you want to initiate sex that is not a good sign. It is a sign that there are some real problems with intimacy between the two of you. You say you are dissastified with his performance. I don't know if he is aware that you feel that way, but it is certainly something that needs to be handled.


The two of you should be able to sit down and communicate with one another openly and honestly. You have many insecurities as well. This is something separate that you should work on with a therapist so that you can learn to feel good about yourself in a relationship. You need to separate out what are you insecurities and what are real issues that are going on between the two of you.


Most likely he is not aware of what he's feeling. I suggest the two of you get some professional help in sorting all this out. Then you will both know where you stand and what you're dealing with.


Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 05-11-2007 - 12:31am

Have you ever thought that perhaps he says no to your sexual advances is because you don't trust him and constantly question him? Your paranoia would do zip to boost his sexual attraction to you....on the contrary, it would be a huge turn off.

Regarding the men in your past who've had their feelings for you change...do you realise this is normal? We all date people who we think are wonderful and as we get to know them better, we decide that perhaps we're not suited after all. This is totally normal in dating. It's not about you, it's simply a reflection of the 'getting to know you' process and figuring out if two people are suitable.

I suggest you work on your insecurities in counselling. Then when you've got a clearer idea of what a good relationship looks like, figure out if your boyfriend meets your needs. If he doesn't, then dump him.

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