trusting

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
trusting
5
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 12:41pm
how do you get past being hurt by someone when the time that you were together....you weren't really together(friends with benefits).

my situation is that the guy that i am currently with used to be my friend with benefits. when we were in school, and started sleeping together, he said that i couldn't sleep with anyone else while we were together and i told him that the same goes for him.

a few months later, i ended up getting pregnant with his kid. he dropped out of college and went back home. after finishing my year in school i went home and had some trouble with my dad and ended up moving to where friend with benefit lived. mind you it wasn't him who suggested this move...it was his mother. the whole time that i was pregnant i could barely get him to talk to me or look at me or even spend time in the same room as me.

after i had the baby, we started dating because he said taht ever since he saw our son being born he has been in love with me.

after all this i come to find out that he was going behind my back with other girls and the last one was two weeks before our son was born...while i was living at his house.

my problem is that i can't seem to get past all of this and i don't trust that he will be faithful to me.

whenever we are out and i see him looking at other girls it makes me mad and it makes me feel as though i am not good enough for him.

for a while he tried to stop but of course, it didn't work. but now its gotten to the point were he is checking out my friends right in front of me and trying to say that no he isnt doing it at all.

i personally think that he has a thing for my friend and he wont admit it. i think he has a thing for her cus when she comes over...if hes sleeping he jumps out of bed to talk to her or when she suggests things he jumps at the opportunity where if i suggested it a few days before its like no i don't want to or no we cant. he says the only reason he gets up to see her is becuase he likes talking to someone different and she is one of the few people who he can talk to without getting annoyed with them.

it seem like we are always having the same arguments about me not trusting him. he says that he can't spend the next five years trying to prove to me that he loves me and only wants to be with me.

he also says that the reason that he wont really think seriously about getting married is because i don't trust him.

he gets so mad when i bring up the trust issue.

if someone could help me with this it would be greatly apreciated.

thanks

BajanPhoenix

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
In reply to: bajanphoenix
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 3:29pm
Hi. I feel your pain and I know what you are going through. Word of advice, if he truly is in love with you he would go above and beyond to prove to you that he can trust you. and if he doesnt it could mean two things:

(1) he is immature and does not put much effort in to anything he does (i.e. his job, school, etc.) If he puts minimal effort in to his every day life, then that is a sign he is not ready for such a serious relationship.

(2)he really is not in love with you and feels pressure coming from his family to be with you (like his mother) and it doesnt help that you live togeher.

In reference to the part where you wrote that he doesnt want to marry you because you don't trust him... that is an excuse. Any man who wants to marry a woman will go to any extreme to do so. I know this is not what you want to hear but I went through the same and I know that the truth is the most effective. I want to open your eyes.

My advice is to let him shine. If it is possible for you, leave him be. Let him explore the world and go out and do what he has to do. He will likely come back to y ou when he finds out that their is no greater satisfaction then being with your family.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
In reply to: bajanphoenix
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 4:05pm
1 more thing...

Make sure you do not call him, talk to him and DEFINITELY do NOT have sex with him!!!

Only call him when you absolutely need to talk about the child. And make sure it is brief, to the point, and OONNNNLLY about the child. Set up a day when he comes to see the child and bring you money for the child.

Keep your mind occupied by doing things that are productive. (i.e. getting a better job, finishing school, going to church or anything else you enjoy doing that will benefit YOU and make YOU a better person). You may find that he is not the one for you. And if you don't both of you will have time to figure out who you are and what you truly want out of life. I promise you this works. If he is smart he will find out that there is nothing better than the woman he loves and his child. I promise you this really does work but you have to leave him alone. He will start to wonder if he making the right decision about not marrying you once you arent there all the time. He knows he has you so why would he want to marry you. Remember that old saying... "nobody wants to buy the cow if they are getting the milk for free." Give yourself value and importance and he will see that too.

If you have any other questions please ask. I came upon your letter by chance and I feel God put it there for me to help you. That is my obligation to you because when I went through it I had plenty of support and now it is my turn to help. God bless you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
In reply to: bajanphoenix
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 5:09pm
thank you so much for your insight. i have been talking to a friend of ours who is a councellor, we have known her for a few years now. anyway, when i was asking her what i should do she said to give him an ultamatum......either we go to couples councelling and deal with the issues or we don't and say good bye.

well, i gave him the ultamatum. and right now i am pretty sure that he has made his decision. he wont come out and give me an answer. he doesn't think that councelling is going to fix all of our problem and he says that it doesn't really matter if we go or not because i have all the thoughts about him stuck in my head and seeing a councellor wont make me change my mind cus i dwell on everything.

anyway when i gave him the ultamatum he said that he didn't know yet. that was last night. i asked him this morning if he figured it out. he said no not yet and then shortly thereafter, took off and i haven't seen him all day. i came to find out that he went out on a boating trip with some of his friends.

with that i pretty much know how much he really cares about me and this relationship so its about that time to move on and find something new.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-29-2004
In reply to: bajanphoenix
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 7:05pm
Listen the ultimatum thing only works when the other person is or seems willing to fix the problem. I noticed that he likes to blame you for everythnig. Those are just excuses. My ex used to do the same thing to me. I know how you feel and I know you love him and really want to be with him because he's the father of the baby and everything seems right to you but when you want a man who is unavailable to you, you have to start thinking in terms of reversing. I listen to Alicia Keys a lot. on her 1st LP, the first song on the cd she says... 'whatever stops you from dreaming, whatever stops you from living... FLIP IT!" and i mean just that. If he thnks he is too important for you FLIP IT. Now you are the more important one. Play his game. You do not have time for him. ESPECIALLY FOR SEX. I know how men can be. He ignores you and then he gets horny and he's an angel to you. That is, of course, until you have sex with him and then he goes back to doing what he was doing and you feel used. he knows you are at home with the baby while he is out possibly with other women or his friends having the time of his life. If he wants to make himself UNAVAILABLE then you should too. Leave the baby with a family member and go have a fun time with your friends. if you have a cell phone, don't turn off your phone. Instead let it ring and ring and ring when he calls but never pick it up, unless it is the family member that is taking care of your son. Let his imagination and his guilt take over him. When he starts thinking that you are with someone else it will drive him crazy!!! When he confronts you about whether or not you were with someone else, act very calm and say " i was just hanging out with some of my friends". dont be specific & be extremely general and continue to pay no mind to him. He will start realizing how important you are to him and will do anything to not lose you. But you can never break down and give in. you have to be strong. I Promise you this works. And if it doesnt well then you just find someone 20 times better than him and thats the end of that. It worked for me and now my ex is begging to be with me. Now i have the upper hand. Like I said before, I flipped everything around. Now you be the one who has to question whether or not you want to get married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2004
In reply to: bajanphoenix
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 11:02am
well, for now, im going to leave things alone. hes agreed to go to couples councelling with me. and i mean if that doesnt work well then you really know its over. that is on a suggestion from a close friend of mine who is also a councellor.

thanks for your help though