Try to fix marriage or get divorced?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2007
Try to fix marriage or get divorced?
5
Thu, 05-01-2008 - 1:35pm

Hi, my wife and I have been married now almost 7 months. I know that is a short amount of time, but we are seriously having major issues and I think it might be time to just call it quits no matter how much that would hurt. Ever since we got married, we can't get along to save our lives. She suffers from anxiety and depression, and I have some anger issues. We have just started seeing a counselor to try and repair our relationship, but only seeing a counselor once every three weeks or say isn't going to cut it.


We argue about money, mainly. We purchased a house in September of last year and then my pay got cut nearly in half so we had to tighten up. Now she is back in depression mode saying things like "I'll never get this or that or whatever so I might as well just live my life unhappy." Stuff like that really bothers me and gets on my nerves. I tell her all the time that she is too negative and needs to start thinking about putting a positive spin on life. She gets mad at me if I get mad at her or the dog or anything else and raise my voice or anything. She just told me about an hour ago that she has convinced herself that she will never be happy and that she will just let the marriage be so I can be happy. I have already told her that I love her with all of my heart but if she isn't happy she can walk out and I won't stop her.


When we aren't fighting we are one of the best couples in the world, the only problem is that it seems the fighting is starting to take up all of our time together. I am seeing a counselor now for the marriage help, and will continue afterwards for anger management, but she always says she is tired of having the same conversation over and over again and that things are never going to get better. I want to tell her to get her head on straight and by ustalking with the counselor we will be better suited to work on our issues, but she is beginning to think that it is just a waste of the little extra money that we have.


Should I just go ahead and file for a divorce and be done with the headache even though I love her more than anything, or should I keep plugging away at this counseling stuff and hope that it opens her eyes to some of her problems instead of blaming every problem we have on me? Any kind of advice would be greatly appreciated. I am about to lose my mind trying to figure all of this mess out and beginning to just want to give up.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 05-01-2008 - 3:28pm

Welcome to the board dkaxww,


I think you need to start seeing a counselor about anger management now. Also she is seeing anyone for her depression and is she taking any medication for it? If not, it might really make a difference if she did.


It doesn't seem at this point like your problems are serious enough to get divorced.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-10-2007
Thu, 05-01-2008 - 6:28pm

Some people are always miserable whether it is due to clinical depression or just because they always want what they dont have or cant have.


Is she seeking counseling for her depression aside from the couples counseling?


Can you sell the house and move into something more within your means right now?


Some people can live with people who are always unhappy...I cant because they suck the wind right out of you and nothing you do will ever be good enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 9:14am

Regardless of how much counseling you have IF she is not 100% committed to helping fix the problems, it will never work.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 10:50am

Clearly, you both help and as you wisely say, seeing a marriage counselor once every three weeks is not going to help anything. You need focused therapy that will build momentum. Right now, I suggest you each see your own separate psychologists to work on your own personal issues. It doesn't help to do marriage counseling when there's a lot of personal issues that have to be cleared through first. A lot gets projected onto the relationship that really has to do with one's own issues and should be dealt with on your own. Then, later on, you will be more available to do fine marriage counseling. The minimum time is once a week, and if you want real results and time is of the essence (to prevent a real rupture) twice a week is good too.


I would not make any drastic decisions until I'd gotten the professional help that is so badly needed here.


All the best to both of you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 05-02-2008 - 11:22am

Living with someone who is depressed and negative will suck the life out of you.