Try to work things out???? HELP

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Try to work things out???? HELP
7
Fri, 03-09-2012 - 10:19pm

Ok so my husband asked for a divorce back in NOV a month after we had our 2nd baby. It turned out he started seeing somebody else shortly after our baby was born. He was in the army and we were living in El Paso and i moved back May of 2011 because there were too many cockroaches and he was supposed to be getting out of the army in July but since the army took longer than planned he didnt get out until the middle of Nov. He was here for 3 weeks back at the end of Sept when we had our baby. He left back to El Paso to finish his army stuff Oct 16th , and we left on good terms happy for him to be getting out of the army and to finally spend time as a family and a normal life, he was talking about buying a bigger house and another car too. Then Nov 3rd he said he wanted a divorce, i was totally blind sided! He has not been back since( stayed in texas) Now last week he informed me he wants to come up and visit. He is still with the same girl and living with her. Lately he has been really nice to me listening and saying he is always willing to talk and that he wants me to come with him when he comes to visit the kids. So I am starting to miss him a lot again. I was doing good at trying to get over him but now I think I want to work things out? I am not sure? I really miss him and miss my family we have been together since Feb 2005. I mean is it good to try and work things out? Can you really just be over your wife and family that fast? Is it a phase? I wanted to justify it that it was a form of PTSD and for him to have respondsibilities at home and get out of the army was a lot to take in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 12:03am

Just because he's being nice to you doesn't mean he wants to get back together with you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 12:40am
I do not know if he wants to work things out. He told me he started seeing her Oct 20, our baby was born Sept 27th. He got to seattle Sept 28th since I had our baby before the due date and was here until Oct 15. Before that we had a house in El paso which we ended the lease right before our baby was born. He said he met this girl at a bar the same week he came back. I know I sound crazy!

He wants me to come to the zoo or park to spend time. That and its really his first time where our baby will see him! I dont think he could juggle 2 kids! I just miss him being around and feel like maybe he cheated because I wasnt there. Im sure he's happy since he didnt come home. I just dont know how you throw away everything when its not broken. And yes I would get counseling I am currently in it myself! But your right I may never trust him again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 1:23am

Hi Jess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 1:46am

Wow, I'm sorry your H did this to you. First off I find it hard to believe that your H met someone as soon as he went back and right after you had a baby. I agree with fiissatore that she's most likely been around much longer than that. My guess is that he was waiting till after you had the baby to tell you because he didn't want to upset you while you were pregnant and possibly cause something to happen to the baby. And you say he's being nice to you and is always willing to talk. Well how generous of him after leaving his wife with 2 babies and moving in with another woman. I think your making too many excuses for his bad behavior and trying to blame yourself instead. Just because you weren't there for a few months didn't give him a reason to go off and start cheating. If he really loved you and the kids he would not have gotten seriously involved with another woman. Now he wants to basicallly torture you by coming home and pretending to be one big happy family going off to the zoo or park with the kids. Honey you need to put your foot down. He can't be a part time dad and husband that comes in and out of your life whenever he feels like it and wants to play good husband and father. You can't let him have his cake and eat it too. I would not spendANY time with him unless he really wants to recommit to the marriage. This will just torture and hurt you even more than you are now, so I think unless he's willing to drop the GF, move back home with the family, go to marriage counseling, and sincerly work on the marriage (which MUST include absolutely no more contact with this other woman) that your marriage don't stand a chance. Sorry if this sounds harsh, but it really sounds like he is playing you for a fool and I can see right through his charade. He ought to be ashamed of himself for deserting you and those 2 babies. I really do wish you the best and can only hope you have some supportive parents/relatives/friends to help you through this. GOOD LUCK.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-04-2008
Sat, 03-10-2012 - 3:57pm
There was no other reason why I left other than the roaches. I live in Washington and have never seen them in my life! I was pregnant and they would come in like everyother day. They were huge and would fly. My 2year old at the time did not like them either. We owned a house back in Seattle so I figured I would get things ready because it was not healthy for me to cry everyday over these bugs. We never got a professional exterminator we should but we sprayed put traps bugged bombed monthly!
We had not been happier moving away from our family more the reason why we PLANNED to have a baby. From what I found out he said he was not happy for a while. Nobody not even his family knew he wasnt happy. He was making plans for a larger house another car a cruise. He had just got back from Iraq about year and a half ago now. A lot of our friends thought he had changed and he did. He didnt like hanging out with friends anymore, just to go grocery shopping he had to take anxiety pills.

As of now we are still planning on getting a divorce I just cant see walking away from 7years just like that. I want him to see what its like to be a family and not just take the easy way out.

I honestly never knew he was unhappy or it was that bad. 5days before he said he wanted a divorce it was my bday he wrote me a note saying how happy he was with me and he couldnt wait to be home in my arms and no more deployments after being married for 5 years we would finally spend an anniversary together and he loved me so much. He did say a few weeks ago that he supported me at the time of moving because he knew how scared and stressed I was and how could he not ive stood by his side through 7 years in the army and 2 deployments but thought being affraid of bugs are stupid.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 12:15am

It sounds like he does have PTSD and he doesn't know what he wants.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 11:24pm
You may not want to walk away from 7 years, but he apparently does. You can't work on a marriage or stay together if he doesn't want to.

Has he said he wants to work on the marriage and stay together?

Unfortunately, I am going to pass along something that my divorce attorney told me...if only one person in the marriage wants a divorce, there will be a divorce. It doesn't matter how much the other person DOESN'T want the divorce, all it takes is one of the two people to file and the divorce will happen. Gone are the days when one of the people had to "give" the other a divorce.

If he wants out, you'll get divorced. The best thing to do is hire an attorney and start to work out financial matters, custody, etc. Best to be prepared.