TRYING TO COPE WITH STEPDAUGHTERS

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
TRYING TO COPE WITH STEPDAUGHTERS
3
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 3:15am
I AM 39 AND I REMARRIED IN 1999 TO A MAN WHO IS 13 YEARS OLDER THAN ME. I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH BUT HIS ADULT DAUGHTERS ARE DRIVING ME CRAZY. I SOMETIMES THINK MY LOVE FOR HIM JUST ISNT WORTH ALL I HAVE TO PUT UP WITH. THE OLDEST IS THE WORST SHE IS MARRIED AND HAS 2 KIDS OF HER OWN, BUT SHE ALWAYS SEEMS TO TALK ABOUT HER MOM TO ME AND THEY ALWAYS GIVE THEIR DADS CELL PHONE NUMBER TO THEIR MOM SO SHE CAN STAY IN CONTACT WITH HIM FOR WHAT REASON I DONT KNOW, I AM ALWAYS THE LAST TO FIND OUT THEY ARE EVEN TALKING. AND WHEN WE GO VISIT THE MOM HAS TO ALWAYS SHOW UP AND STAYS THE HOLE TIME WE ARE THERE. THEY NEVER CALL OUR HOME THEY WAIT TILL THEIR DAD IS AT WORK AND CALLS HIM THERE, THEY HAVE CONSTANTLY BORROWED MONEY FROM US AND YET MY HUSBAND NEVER EXSPECTS THEM TO PAY IT BACK. BUT IF ONE OF MY CHILDREN BORROWS MONEY IT BETTER BE PAID BACK AS SOON AS THEY GET IT. THIS IS OUR 1 AND ONLY PROBLEM WE HAVE , ALL I ASK IS HE STAND UP FOR ME TO HIS DAUGHTERS AND HE HAS YET TO DO SO. WE HAVE HAD SEVERAL VACATION WHERE WE TOOK SEPARATE VACATION BECAUSE MY KIDS WERENT WELCOME AT HIS DAUGHTERS HOME, AND THAT IS WHERE HE WANTED TO GO ON HIS VACATION, WELL MY CHILDREN STILL LIVED AT HOME AT THE TIME SO I SAID FINE IF YOU STILL WANT TO GO THERE THEN GUESS WELL GO ON SEPERATE VACATIONS. AND WE DID, I SHOULD OF LEFT HIM THEN BUT I DIDNT. MY KIDS HAVE EXCEPTED HIS KIDS, WHEN THEY WOULD COME TO VISIT AT OUR HOME WHICH IS VERY RARELY MY KIDS WOULD GIVE UP THEIR BEDS TO LET THEM SLEEP AND MY KIDS WOULD SLEEP ON THE FLOOR, BUT DO YOU THINK MY KIDS GOT THE SAME RESPECT. OH NO I WAS TOLD THEY WERENT WELCOME BECAUSE THEY GOT TO SEE THEIR DAD EVERYDAY AND THEY DIDNT WANT TO SHARE THEIR TIME THEY WERE GONNA GET WITH MY KIDS WHO GOT TO SEE HIM EVERYDAY.BUT YET WE ARE SUPPOSE TO SHARE OUR TIME WITH THEIR MOTHER- GO FIGURE.I AM MY HUSBANDS 4TH MARRIAGE AND NOW I AM BEGINNING TO SEE WHY HE CANT SEEM TO KEEP A WIFE, HIS ADULT DAUGHTERS DRIVE THEM AWAY. BUT I AM DETERMINED THEY ARE NOT GONNA WIN THIS BATTLE. I JUST NEED HELP ON HOW TO HANDLE THIS SITUATION BEFORE I REALLY BLOW UP. I REALLY DONT WANT TO END MY MARRIAGE I LOVE MY HUSBAND BUT SOMETHINGS GOTTA GIVE SOON. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP. THERE IS SO MUCH MORE I COULD TELL YOU BUT MAYBE IN ANOTHER SESSION. I WILL JUST SEE WHAT ADVICE I GET FROM JUST THESE FEW PROBLEMS WE HAVE WITH HIS DAUGHTERS. MY KIDS TELL ME I AM TO NICE TO THEM I SHOULD JUST TELL THEM HOW I FEEL. BUT ITS NOT THAT SIMPLE, I WONT BE JUST MAKING THEM MAD IT WILL MAKE THE HOLE FAMILY MAD AT ME.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 1:39pm
Your kids want you to say how you feel and assert yourself and you want the same thing from your husband.... will he go to counseling with you? It's a start at least to discuss the issues, maybe find a compromise and get it all out in the open.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Tue, 10-05-2004 - 2:46pm

It strikes me as odd that you, being the fourth wife, never thought it was your business to ask why his 3 peior relationships failed....you owe it to at least your kids. How does he treat your kids? Does he lack as much respect for them as his own children does? I think that you have the right to let them know when they are out of line, i mean, these are your children.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-05-2004
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 12:33pm
THANKS FOR YOUR REPLY, I WANTED TO START OFF BY SAYING I DID ASK WHY THE FIRST 3 FAILED. THE FIRST ONE FAILED BECAUSE HE CAUGHT HER CHEATING ON HIM, BUT SHE HAS CONVINCED HER GIRLS THAT IT WAS ALL THEIR DADS FAULT AND SHE DID NOTHING WRONG. THE SECOND FAILED BECAUSE SHE ALSO CHEATED AND HE WALKED IN AND CAUGHT HER WITH HIS FRIEND IN THEIR BED. THE 3RD FAILED BEACUSE SHE WANTED CHILDREN SHE WAS MY AGE AND HE DID NOT WANT ANY CHILDREN AT HIS AGE. HAVE SAYING ALL THIS AND SEEING AND KNOWING WHAT I KNOW NOW ABOUT HOW THE GIRLS ACT AND TREAT THE NEW WIFES SEEMS A LITTLE STRANGE. BUT THATS THE STORIES I HAVE BEEN TOLD ABOUT IT. I WOULD ALSO LIKE TO SAY I ALSO AM A STEP DAUGHTER FOR 34 YEARS NOW, BUT I HAVE NEVER NOR WOULD I EVER THINK OF TREATING ONE OF MY STEP PARENTS THE WAY I HAVE BEEN TREATED. WITH MY DAD AND STEP MOM THERE ARE NO OTHER CHILDREN INVOLVED. BUT I DO HAVE 2 STEP BROTHERS.MY HUSBAND AND I HAVE HAD A VERY LONG DISCUSSION ABOUT THIS SINCE I POSTED THIS, AND HE ADMITS HE HAS FINALLY SEEN THROUGH WHAT HAS BEEN GOING ON. ALOT OF CHANGES ARE IN THE MAKING. I DO WANT US TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS GIRLS, DESPITE HOW THEY HAVE BEEN I DO CARE VERY DEEPLY FOR THEM. THEY ARENT ALWAYS BAD.AND SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE THEY ARE JUST DOING IT OUT OF RESPECT FOR THEIR MOTHER. WHAT I DIDNT TELL YOU IS FOR THE ENTIRE TIME I HAVE BEEN WITH MY HUSBAND I HAVE HAD TO PUT UP WITH THEIR MOTHER CALLING ME AND EMAILING ME TELLING HOW MUCH SHE STILL LOVES MY HUSBAND AND WOULD LOVE TO TRY AGAIN WITH HIM. SHE TO IS REMARRIED BUT YET SHE STILL WANTS SOMETHING WITH MY HUSBAND. SHE EVEN CALLS AND BEGS MY HUSBAND TO GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE. AND ON THE OTHER HAND SHE WANTS TO TALK TO ME LIKE WE ARE BEST FRIENDS. AND I HAVE TRIED TO TELL THE GIRLS HOW THIS MAKES ME FEEL, BUT THEN I AM A B---- FOR TALKING ABOUT THEIR MOTHER. SO THEREFORE I KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT ABOUT THEIR MOM. BUT AT THE SAME TIME I FEEL AS THOUGH MY HUSBAND IS TO BLAME BECAUSE HE SHOULD STAND UP FOR ME AT THIS POINT AND SAY THIS AINT RIGHT AND IT IS GONNA STOP HERE 8 YEARS AGO.MY HUSBAND SAID HIS GIRLS HAVE TOLD HIM THAT HE OWES THEM FOR WALKING OUT ON THEM AND THEIR MOM. AND HE HAD TRIED TO SIT DOWN AND EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED WITH HIM AND THEIR MOM BUT THEY WANT HEAR HIS SIDE.I FEEL LIKE IN THEIR MINDS THEY ARE JUSTIFIED BY WHAT THEY DO BECAUSE THEY WANT THEIR PARENTS BACK TOGETHER. EVEN THOUGH IT HAS BEEN 24 YEARS SINCE THEY DIVORCED, WHAT STEP CHILD DOESNT DREAM OF THAT? I AM NOT ASKING MY HUSBAND TO PICK BETWEEN ME AND HIS KIDS BUT I WOULD LIKE TO BE TREATED WITH A LITTLE RESPECT AND DIGNITY, I MEAN EVEN WHEN WE ARE AT MY IN-LAWS AND THEY SHOW UP WITH THEIR MOM, I AM THE ON THAT SEEMS TO BE THE OUTSIDER NOT HER. AND THIS IS STILL JUST A SKIM ON TOP OF MANY MANY THINGS THAT GO ON IN THIS FAMILY. BUT I HOPE YOU CAN SEE WHERE I AM COMING FROM NOW THAT YOU KNOW HOW THEIR MOM DOES ME TO. AND YET I AM SUPOOSE TO SIT BACK AND TAKE IT. AND YOU KNOW WHAT IS REALLY STRANGE IS THE YOUNGEST DAUGHTER JUST GOT OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN THAT WAS GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE AND HAD KIDS, AND SHE HERSELF TOLD ME THAT SHE WAS GLAD SHE DIDNT HAVE TO DEAL WITH B---- EX WIFES AND BRATTY STEP KIDS ANYMORE. BUT YET THEY EXSPECT ME TO DEAL WITH IT.THE YOUNGEST ONE EVEN TOOK ME TO SEE STEP MOM WHEN IT CAME OUT AND SHE TOLD ME AFTER THE MOVIE GOSH I HOPE I NEVER TREAT YOU THAT WAY, BUT YET IF SHE DID I BETTER NOT SAY NOTHING.AND 1 MORE EXAMPLE I WILL GIVE YOU, MY HUSBAND SOLDEST DAUGHTER HAS 2 CHILDREN AND ONE OF THEM WAS BORN ON THEIR MOMS BIRTHDAY AND THEY HAVE A PARTY FOR THEM ALL AT ONE TIME. AND THEY SEE NOTHING WRONG WITH US CELEBRATING HER BIRTHDAY AND I THINK IT IS VERY WRONG THEY SHOULD CELEBRATE THEIR MOMS BIRTHDAY WITHOUT US THERE, BUT YET MY HUSBAND EXSPECTSA ME TO ATTEND BUT YET HE WILL NOT GO TO MY GRANDSONS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS BIRTHDAY PARTY IF MY EX ATTENDS.WHICH I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM GOING TO THE KIDS PARTIES EVEN IF THEIR MOM IS THERE I KNOW THERE ARE GOING TO BE TIMES WHEN WE ALL HAVE TO BE TOGETHER FOR BIRTHDAYS AND WEDDINGS AND BIRTHS OR WHAT HAVE YOU, BUT I DONT FEEL LIKE WE SHOULD HAVE TO CELEBRATE HER BIRTHDAY WITH THEM. WELL I WILL CLOSE THIS AT THAT HOPE TO HEAR SOME SUGGESTIONS BACK FROM YOU SOON. THANKS AGAIN