Trying to lead a healthy lifestyle and a

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Trying to lead a healthy lifestyle and a
8
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 6:19pm

Hello.

I have just recently passed my seven year anniversary and I am in desperate need of some help. I am 35 years old with a wack of health issues. My doctors keep telling me that if I don't get control of this I have 10 to 15 years tops to live. I cannot not get my wife to undertsnad this. Last year I lost over 55lbs but this year I have put it all back on and some. I have had numerous conversations with my wife about trying to lead a healthy life style and she will still run to the store and bring home chips and cookies, etc. etc. I am also concered for my daughter. Even tho we both have full time jobs, mine a career, money is tight and spending is also an issue. Tonight my wife needed milk for dinner and our daughter. I had $60 that I was going to try and and budget for my lunch and gas. I told her where the money was so that she could use it for milk. She came home with the milk, crackers, and 2 bags of chips. The thing is that she said they were for me and they are the kind I like but, I don't understand why I can't get through to her. We are arguing all the time and I am totally frustrated. I love my wife and want this to work but I feel like I can't control my lifestyle they way we live and she doesn't seem to care. She says she does but then turns around and does something like this. Then she can't undertsand why I get so mad. I want to be around for my daughter and I don't want her to end up like us, both overweight. Even my boss talks about me losing weight and getting better and I feel that this is effecting my ability to move forward in my career.

I don't know what to do with my marriage, which is the heart of the issue right now. I wish I could understand why my wife is like this and how I can get her to understand that I need her to change her lifestyle with me. I am not strong enough to do this on my own and maintain it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 6:46pm

Hi Greg. Hugs to you...I can't imagine being in your situation.

>>I wish I could understand why my wife is like this<<

Sharing junk food is probably her way of showing love. You know, she probably thinks that she's doing you a favour because you eat the stuff. She sees short term gratification from you and it makes her feel good.

May I suggest you employ shock tactics and immediate rebuttal of your wife's food gifts each and every time she does it? When she brings home junk, state very firmly that this is not acceptable behaviour. Then immediately destroy the junk food in your wife's presence. If it's crackers and chips, pour them in the sink and wet them to render them useless. Scoop the dips straight into the trash. If she sees you consistantly and blatantly rejecting her gifts of food often enough, she should hopefully get a clue. Hopefully you can employ enough anger at her constant sabotage to be able to destroy the food each time!

Yes these rejections of gifts will hurt her. She may worry that you don't love her because you are rejecting her shows of "love". But she needs a serious wake up call....and she also needs to endure consequences for her behaviour.

Yes, I know throwing away food is a waste of money...but hopefully it will work quickly.

Another option would be to insist she attends an overeaters support group with you. Or take her to all your dietician's appointments.

But if none of this (and any other suggestions from other posters) works, I can only suggest that you need to be away from her. And you need to take custody of your daughter when you're healthy again. Yes, I know this is extreme, but her habits are killing you and will likely end up destroying your daughter's health too. The only positive side I can see to this is that if you leave, it may give her enough of a shock to change.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Sun, 07-15-2007 - 7:50pm

Greg, I've had another thought about why she could be feeding you.

It's possible she's deliberately sabotaging you because of her own insecurities. Perhaps she worries what will happen if you get healthy and she's still fat. She may worry that you'll leave her.

Another thing I wanted to say is that I know some of my thoughts sound harsh. But given that your doctor says your weight will kill you, try this way of addressing the situation:
Imagine you were an alcoholic and were trying to dry out. And imagine she brought you bourbon as a gift. It would be considered totally reasonable and proper for you to pour the drink down the drain. This food situation is really no different. You must use a firm, obvious and ANGRY response each time she does it.

Please don't treat this situation lightly. For whatever reason, she's choosing to sabotage your efforts to get healthy and stay alive. She is choosing to slowly kill you.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2002
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 3:22pm

I agree with iv_aisha that your wife may be sabotaging your efforts either out of insecurity or something else.

131.gif image by y_baros th5K.gif image by jade_simo

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Mon, 07-16-2007 - 7:37pm

Thank You for your responses. I actually do the majority of shopping and I taught my wife how to cook. Since we started dating, I have tried to get her into good habits and excercise. I do try to stay physically active when I can. I used to play sports and work out.

My wife just will not make the effort to change. She says she will and wants to but the very next day she is back with some sweets or worse.

I am at the point where I feel like I need to get out this enviroment and if that means divorce, well I don't know. I don't believe that it should have to come to this but, I am so frustrated with things right now. Yes, It does fall on me, but unless you are in the same boat, you have no idea how hard it is to do. Now add to it a partner that won't support you and it make it ten times worse.

Thanks for the replies. I actually thought that I was posting to a Dr. for a response.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 12:21am

If you have a look through the posts, you'll find that the posts are predominantly answered by regular posters :-)

Before considering divorce (which may need to happen if all else fails), I would still encourage you to start destroying bad foods as soon as they come into the house. And taking your wife to an overeater's support group or nutritionist with you.

good luck.




Edited 7/17/2007 12:22 am ET by iv_aisha2004
Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 7:00am
Aisha, I think the destruction of the bad food would only have to happen once or twice before his wife got the idea--if he smushes the chips and dumps them in the trash as soon as he sees them, that will be a powerful image that will stay with her the next time she reaches for them in the store.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-15-2007
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 5:11pm
OK Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-17-2007 - 5:24pm

If you want to be physically active, how about riding a bicycle to work? If its too far cycle and put your bicycle on the train/bus/etc. Or ride to a bicycle lockup part way. Or if you aren't in shape enough walk to a bus stop...then the farther stop...until you work into better shape. I rode a bicycle 23 miles to work everyday, I felt fantastic! Preparing healthy lunches instead of eating out? You mentioned money problems and those are two great ways to ensure you save money & stick to a healthy lifestyle. If you just go full force ahead with this your wife will have one of two choices: join in or get left behind. Go hiking every Sat morning on nature trails...share that experience w/your daughter. Make sure your wife knows she's invited but she doesn't have to come if she doesn't want to.

I used this tactic on my DH and he lost 25 lbs. He still eats fast foods when I'm not around but when he makes meals at home, they are healthful.

Good luck,
Dee