Trying not to be offended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Trying not to be offended.
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 5:31pm

I've been dating a guy for about eight months. We're both divorced, each have kids, work, etc. He has his kids every other week, while I have mine two evenigs a week and every other Sat-Sun. I usually stay at his house when he doesn't have his kids. I've been doing that for months, and now all of  a sudden it's this huge issue. (A few weeks ago I moved from a friend's to my brother's house, because my friend was tired of my kids being there so much.) My bf was afraid that I was under the assumption that we were going to be living together. In no way did I assume that. Neither of us are ready for that. So now he's saying that he just wants us to be back to dating because we each need our own space. I get that. I can't be around someone 24/7 without wanting to run screaming sometimes, haha. But it just feels in a way like I'm unwanted. He's not seeing anyone else, so that doesn't cross my mind, but it's really hard for me to get into hanging out with him now because in the back of my mind, I'm like, "Is he just wanting me to leave yet?" type thing. Argh. I spent the night there last night, and was crabby the whole time, like I was feeling unwanted. It's a subject we've pretty much beat to death, so I'm not sure what's worth bringing up anymore, if anything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 8:18pm

So from what I understand one week you don't stay there at all since he has his kids and the other week you stay there 3-5 nights?  How did you get in the habit of staying there?  Did he invite you or did you assume that you should just go there on all your free nights?  I mean I can see it both ways.  When I was dating the guy who became my 2nd DH, I was with him gradually more & more before we moved in together, spending every weekend & prob. 2 nights a week together.  But since you've already discussed it and haven't really seemed to come to a conclusion, I think at this point you should wait to be invited to spend the night.  I think a lot of guys are like that--the closer the woman gets, the more the guy backs away, so you need to give him some time to miss you.  Then he might feel lonely when you aren't there.  But I also think that he might want a night just to himself or a night to be with the guys too.  

Community Leader
Registered: 01-03-2004
Tue, 02-05-2013 - 8:49pm


I think there's a good reason your BF thinks you want to move in: you don't have your own place. My encouragement to you is to find out if you can get any housing assistance for an apartment or home. You need your own place. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-01-2012
Wed, 02-06-2013 - 2:44pm

Your unstable living conditions are causing stress in your relationship. You should put "finding your own home" ahead of dating right now. Even if it hasn't happened yet, your boyfriend is dreading the day that you'll ask to live with him. You should only go to your boyfriends house 'by invitation' only. If you can't afford to live alone, you might consider getting a roommate but it's important that you sign a lease. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2008
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 10:43am

I so agree with the living thing but I also live with family due to financial situation but right now I am out there looking for a share situation because you guys are right. Its better to have a room mate than say to people I live with family...

You know I dont date now because of many factors including age and all and no one asks but I had a guy once who asked me where I lived and I said with family.. I think he lost interest but then again should we all be homeless?? I also tried govt. and afffordable housing but a no go there..

Good Luck

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Thu, 02-07-2013 - 3:50pm

  I too do not blame your BF.  Moving in can be a real pain.  Many people need for physical and emotional reasons more space.  I can be that he need alone time.  Most of us do.  I have had great roommates but they were also a big problem at times.  Socially,emotionally,financially it can be wearing on one.  I am a loner.  I like getting up when I want to watching the programs I like and not having to negotiate over my life.