Trying not to be upset, but...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Trying not to be upset, but...
2
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:44pm
It's been a long time since I've posted, but I'm feeling really wierd right now and have to vent, if nothing else. But please, advice/opinions welcomed. My H called me at work this afternoon, wanting to go to the lake with his buddy and his buddy's friend for an over night trip. He said he'd be back tomorrow. In my heart, I really didn't want him to leave so unexpectantly but sucked it up and said I was ok with it (after all it's only one night) and the last two years have been really stressful on both of us...I didn't want to be selfish by protesting. And the only reason I'd even protest is because of our situation at home. See, his elderly parents recently moved in with us, both overwieght with health problems, his mother a stoke victim and she falls on occasion (I've had to pick her up once, and it just about killed me), so being alone with them scares me to death. My husband has been home for almost two years pending a union arbrition, which was finally settle a few weeks ago. We are waiting on a nice settlement check. However, these two years have been really stressful on both of us, I've been the breadwinner for all of us (my son, step-daughter and now his parents). And he was supposed to go job hunting, starting today (not to mention taking our truck in to get fixed...we only have one vehicle at the moment). So, I was a little hesitant to be trilled about his unexpected outing with the guys, especially right now. But my H said that he had applied on line for a particular job, and had called in appointment for the truck and that he'd really like to go. So, I said go and have a good time.

When I got home from work, I went over to get my son at the neighbors house. My neighbor's H is one of the buddies that went to the lake with my H. She told me that they weren't coming back until Thursday, to which I replied "What?! That's not what my H told me." So I excussed myself and called my H, as I was feeling a bit paniced and upset. He insisted that he was coming home tomorrow and I was relieved. But then , he called me back about 10 minutes later and said that he just realized that the other guys inteneded to stay until Thursday (of course, my H rode up with them) but that if he HAD to come home, I could come get him tomorrow. Well, first off, the lake is an hour and a half away, I have to work, etc. I could go up after work, but what a pain. And really, my biggest problem is that I feel like I was duked. How could he not know when he was coming back? And if it's true, how could he be so irresponsible and not get all the facts together before deciding to 'abandon' me with his parents, the kids and all the responsiblity at home, so he can go off and party with his buddies? I'm not dumb. I know when I'm being BS'd. I was married to a 'professional' lier for 8 years before my current H). I'm really sad, mad, dissappointed and honestly, not sure what to think about all this. I don't want to be unreasonable, but my fears are genuine. And I'm not sure what to say to him or how to act right now. He'll be calling me back later this evening. I've already asked him straight up if he BS'd me at all today and he said no. What do you all think? I'm I justified in being upset, not just that I'm scared to be with his parents alone, but that I don't think he was straight with me? Should I go get him tomorrow, just to prove a point or is that stupid? I don't know. Any suggestion welcomed. Thanks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:54pm
Wow, you really do have your hands full. It has to be tough. I think his timing stinks and he shoulda waited for something like this. My gut tells me he didn't really realize the trip was until Thursday but still, he shoulda planned it out a bit more thoroughly with you.

I don't have any real advice but I think what has happened here is that your dh feels overwhelmed by his situation (trying to find work, family and home responsibilities, and the burden of having his parents there too). I think he felt a need to get away. Of course leaving you high and dry with all those responsibilities was awfully inconsiderate and I'd be fit to be tied too. You'll have to probably take the firm straight forward approach with him. Seems if you are too 'wishy-washy' and you ultimately leave things up to him you won't get what you were looking for at all. So just be firm with the man. Hopefully he'll come around and get his act together. If not, then perhaps it's marriage counseling time.

Good luck to you!

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:10am
Thanks, Bluemarin. Yeah, I know he probably needs a get away, I just wished it had been planned, not spur of the moment, so could prepare myself mentally and have a game plan myself. I'm not so mad any more. I miss him. I think I'll tell him to enjoy his trip and not worry about me. That while I'd apprecaite more advance notice next time and better planning, that I'll sruvive this time. After all he's a cell phone away and if there's areal emergancy, I can call 911. Now, to be brave and handle all this stuff ( oh, great, I just remebered I'm on a major deadlne at work...ARGH.)...wish me luck.