Trying to pick up the pieces w/ my wife

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Trying to pick up the pieces w/ my wife
21
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 6:04pm
My wife and I have been married for almost six years and until recently, we had an amazing relationship until last June (about 7 months ago) when my wife began developed a relationship with a man she met at work. I didn't realize at first, the depth of the relationship, but once I did, I clamped down and began to monitor her emails, phone calls, etc., which seemed to only push her further away from me. I don't feel that my actions are what caused this, but in her mind, this defense makes sense to her, but obviously, I wasn't meeting her emotional needs prior to this in some way. It has been a long road and our relationship is no longer volatile and we have been working on our friendship and making great progress. That is until yesterday when I told her that I think it is time to take the next step, which is intimacy (which had been absent since July). Her reaction to that was to let me know that small steps (i.e. holding hands, some kissing, etc) was okay, but that she wasn't ready for sex and that the thought of that makes her stomach turn. The realization of what she had said hurt me tremendously (obviously), but also hit her like a ton of bricks. She realized that if she can't regain those feelings, then the marriage could not last. All I'm asking for is baby steps (and for her to see a counselor to sort through some of her feelings), but she sees only gloom and doom, which she tends to do anyway. My question is......what are the odds of her overcoming these feelings (or lack thereof)? The odds don't seem good to me, so I am quite apprehensive about what the future holds for us (and our two beautiful children). In spite of all that has happened, I still love my wife dearly and I want to know if there are any words of advice...either as far as what I can do to help her overcome these feelings or what she needs to do herself?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-30-2008
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 7:02pm
You said that she feels as though her stomach is turning with the thought of sex with you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Wed, 01-28-2009 - 11:08pm
Did I do something? Well, when I saw signs that she was having an affair (an emotional affair at that point), I began to monitor her emails. She says that she feels incredibly violated and she feels like I am her father now. Our sex life was great before and we have always been very attracted to each other. I still am very attracted to her and still very much in love with her. I believe it may be a defensive reaction on her part.....maybe she is trying to justify what she did. But the other man won't stop pursuing her still and I think she is very conflicted. I think counseling would help her, but what to do about the other guy? He is constantly telling her how much he loves her and it is a constant distraction for both of us.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 12:28am

okay HERE is a topic i know a thing or two about. in many affairs (physical or emotional), the person cannot feel loving feelings for

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 12:52am

Welcome to the board spitchicken,


I totally agree with adelphitn and would add that if your wife really wants it, it can happen.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 10:40am

I think that both of you are correct.....counseling is a must. We did go to a marriage counselor one time about 5 or 6 months ago, but it didn't help because I don't think she was ready to go....I pressed her to go and I don't think she was ready to face what we were about to face. Anyway, fast-forward to a few days ago when the realization that she isn't ready to be sexual with me hit her like a ton of bricks....she did say that "Maybe it is time for me to talk to a counselor". But at the same time, I think the aftermath of that conversation scared her, so it may take a few days (hopefully) for her to come back to that. I think that she needs to go to a counselor on her own first before we go to counseling as a couple, but maybe I'm way off base on that. Any suggestions there?

As far as the other guy is concerned.....if I bring it up, she gets angry and says that I always have to bring it back to that, but I just don't see any way that we can move forward with him in her other ear telling her he loves her. It just confuses her (and me...and probably him) and, like both of you said, continues to drag out the "addiction". The thing I worry about is that it will be hard to cut off all contact with him, as they work together on a daily basis. If they could keep it professional, I would understand that, but I don't think he could ever do that. I think she could take him or leave him I believe, but with him there as a constant distraction, I think it is too easy for her to fall back to him. As far as her thinking she is passing up a wonderful thing with him....I don't think that is the case all that much. He is married with young triplets and a 16 year old son from a previous marriage and a big part of what led to this was that she is not comfortable being a step-mom to my son.....so she definitely doesn't think he is the end-all, be-all and she thought he was "funny looking" from the beginning, so it's not a physical thing.....but emotional attachment is a powerful thing.

I think you are both right....she needs to stop with him. I just hope that I or someone else can convince her of that. Any other comments or suggestions would be helpful. Thanks for the feedback so far.....keep it coming.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 11:00am
And just to add to this.....I have thought about sending an email or calling the other guy to let him know what he (they really) is doing to our family (he knows that I know and I have confronted him once, but just to tell him to beat it). He obviously doesn't care too much, but I can't help buy think that if it is there in black and white and the life-long repercussions that this may have on not only my wife and I, but our two children (ages 2 and 4) as well....not to mention his children. But part of me thinks that is a bad idea....every time I have had a bright idea like this, it seems to backfire and blow up in my face and ends up pushing my wife further away from me. Any suggestions about this hair-brained scheme?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 12:16pm

I wouldn't contact him again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 1:48pm
You're probably right....contacting him would probably only make matters worse. For what it is worth, I didn't exactly contact him the first time. I ran into them together at the mall the day after Christmas when she had told me she had to work. When I am smacked in the fact with it, I can't help but acknowledge it. For the past four months, I just stopped monitoring her and started trying to focus on us, realizing that 1) it didn't stop her anyway and 2) Seeing what I saw only wound up hurting me more. I do understand why she is upset too and I realize that there were root problems that led us down this path to begin with.....though it seems like those are now so secondary to what we are facing now. I just hope she will see a counselor.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-19-2008
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 4:10pm

No don't contact him. That adds fuel to the fire and continues to cast you as the bad guy. She needs to hear either a counselor say "stop contact" or get on the end-of-affair message boards for other people to say it.


Can she take a week off work? Telecommute for a while? I have high hopes for you if you can get to counseling.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Thu, 01-29-2009 - 4:24pm

Does punching him in the belly and calling him a jerk count as "contacting"? ; ) Oh come on now, I kid. You're absolutely right...contacting him would just give them another common ground on which to unite I'm afraid. I'm just going to continue focusing on our friendship, which was the foundation for our relationship to begin with, and trying to be the person she fell in love with to begin with and hope that she does go to a counselor. She knows what she is doing isn't the right thing and I think that, all things being equal, she would like to have our relationship back like it was. I have high hopes as well....sometimes, a positive outlook is all that keeps me going.

By the way, does Dr. Shoshanna respond to questions here? If not, does the good Dr. actually frequent the board? I haven't poked around long enough to figure that out yet. No matter, it's all good information anyway.

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