Trying to reach him
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| Tue, 01-13-2004 - 6:16pm |
There's just one problem. But it's a major problem--communication.
There have been 3 fights now that are really worrying me, especially since they have escalated. It always starts the same way. I had a question about something which has to do with us as a couple. We had the third fight today and, because this kind of thing had happened twice before, I tried to ask as politely as I could. I tried to keep my tone open instead of accusing, I tried to be careful with how I worded the question, I tried to ask with a smile on my face. These things made no difference.
This morning I was talking to him in just general conversations and I noticed that everything I was saying he was disagreeing with and it was frustrating. First, I had a comment about hominid variation, then about the need for a good 24 hour study room at school, then I made a comment about my frustration with a paper I'm working on. (These were not one after the other, but just general conversation points throughout the morning). Everything I said, he was taking the opposite viewpoint. This has happened a lot and it seemed that he was taking the view opposite me regardless of the subject matter. So I asked him, because I felt I needed to, "why do you take the opposite view of everything I say?" Again, I watched my tone and tried to keep it open. I was gaurded because I knew he might react like he had before. It was a difficult question to ask, but I felt I needed to ask it.
He immediately overreacted, accused me of starting a fight, threw his hands up in the air and said I don't need this right now. (other times he has said things like, this is ridiculous, or I need a drink, or he'll threaten leaving--this is just what I was trying to avoid.) (By the way, he threatens drinking, but he doesn't actually drink). Then he started telling me I was moody and impossible to please. My mood had not changed. I told him he should understand that his actions can cause a reaction in me and that, yes, something he does can affect the way I feel or leave me with a question to ask him like it did this morning. What I said must have threatened him, because he started to insult me telling me it was all my fault that one of my prior serious relationships left me (even though he knows almost nothing about that 7 year relationship and has nothing to base that opinion on). He tried to tell me it was all my fault and I should stop bickering all the time. (I wasn't fighting, I was just trying to talk).
Another time we fought, he made a comment that has stuck with me. He said, "any other guy would have gone running the other way, you're really lucky to have me" I tried to find out later why he said that, but he just said he didn't remember saying it. I can't shake that comment. To me, it sounds like he doesn't respect me, or see me as a person.
His insults today really cut me deep and I walked away from him. Right now, we are not talking. I am just trying to figure out what to do. Please understand. As long as I don't approach him with any questions about US--our relationship--he is the most wonderful, attentive, loving, sensitive person. His family has embraced me with open arms and my family has embraced him. Everyone is really happy for us.
I think he just needs to learn how to HAVE a relationship. He is 29 and I am 25. He has only had 3 girlfriends before me. I think he is just inexperienced and doesn't know how to handle relationship communication. It's like he thinks anytime I have a question I'm trying to break up with him, so he gets defensive or tries to keep me from talking. On a rational level, I think, If we could just solve that problem, there would be no problem. On an emotional level, I don't know if i have the strength.

HE doesn't sound like a secure, successful,happy, independent and complete individual.
This is the phase of infatuation. Which is "your desire for me makes me feel so great about myself, I can't get enough of you."
Insecure, incomplete people who tend to be emotionally driven rather than goal oriented, factually assessing, objective and communicative take the "feelings" that infatuation inspires in them about themselves and their lives based on your adoration, approval, desire, and admiration of them and "can't get enough of the feelings" - very literally.
they tend to abandon less than successful, secure, happy, and complete lives to comingle, intertwine, intersperse, and coexist with you, thru you, for you, and because of you....in fact, there is little of "them" as a whole person without someone to constantly provide the 5A's - adoration, admiration, acceptance, approval, and affirmation.
So now that you're in the 4 month mark - the initial waning high of infatuation is beginning to fade. He realizes that you don't hang on his every word, agree with his every statement, applaud his every idea....he's quite enmeshed in your household. Your success is his success - given he's abdicated his apartment to live with you without communicating that first, given that he's intertwined himself with your family and you his, so that it appears there is a solid connection and communication and emotional bond based in values, priorities, boundaries, definitions of aa great life and how to achieve it, as well as mutual admiration, respect, and trust for one another as individuals. It takes a great deal of time, dealing with someone in a myriad of situations to establish that - and yet in the heat of infatuation, allowing feelings to be facts, goals, and calls to action - he's pursued and is now trying to cement his future - becuase his past is a dismal failure and he wants the feelings your adoration inspires. What he resents, can't deal with, won't accept is that when you have ideas, needs, opinions of your own, especially that differ from him. That means he's now not perfect, not complete, not omniscient and omni-present as a feature in your life by his insecure estimation...and he's got to re-establish his power, his authority, his position in this relationship as the dominant one...so he insults, he denigrates, he threats, he disagrees.
While you're in a state about the emotional complexities of it all - a little factual review might put the whole thing in perspective.
Look at his last 5 years of work history, savings percentage, his retirement planning and action, and things of that practical nature. What exists - is his vested well in a profession, does his reputation allow him access to raises, promotions and future advancement, does he save for the future, is he frugal in his living style while still living in an acceptable standard to you?
Or, has he abdicated lesser than you conditions to avail himself this alliance in full benefit - of your facilities, your amenities, your body and your abode...while now he has a "family" (yours) to call his own,and he has contacts, a network and a support group - noen of which he had in his life prior to meeting you.
I'm willing to bet in great part the immediate paragraph above applies in full. And that's he's lacking in professional advancement, in self-awareness and acceptance, in the ability to plan, sacrifice, pursue and achieve concrete and realistic and successful goals by his own efforts, eans, and standards.
Thus, he aligned with you so quickly, and with you so completely - in orderto "be what he is not by riding your coattails."
On that note, I default to my post on Guy Talk. this is precisely his idea of a great relationship - where he's the one who sets the pace, the tempo, the tune, and the agenda, and anything you don't like or don't agree with is ignored, dismissed, or causes threats or silence.
This isn't a relationship I'd live with...but if you want to live with him, realize you'll nt bring him up to any standards higher than he wishes to observe...and you're living in at this moment what an "ideal relationship" is to him - thus he is unlikely to change his values, which is the only thing that'll change his behavior permanently. Values justify and entitle us to our actions, feelings, thoughts, decision, words, ideas, and desires. Those same values determine our character, conscience, integrity and honor in every regard and venue.
He's an emotionally immature, unrealistic, insecure man...that is why he's latching onto you like a liferaft in a stormy sea. He's not in love with you - he's in love with th eidea of the benefits of a relationship and what he'll get out of it. Including in some ways "giving to you" - so that he feels good about himself.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
I responded to you on the other board, and I have to say that you're doing a good job of not seeing the forest for the trees if you think your TITLE was what people had an issue with!
I hate to break it to you, but "communication" is NOT primary
I have another outlying concern--maybe you could have advice on this too? His dad (M) just went through a major operation. He has degenerative bone disease. His back had to be operated on. I promised to help (M) recover from the surgery. I don't want to back out on this promise now.
People do what they do because they want to do it. Their values justify their actions. Their reasoning justifies their path to get their desired result.
If tomorrow you said "move out, this is moving too fast, I can't handle this much involvement so quick and this much change in my life so drastically, I want us to continue to see one another, date and get to know one another, but I wnat to cease to discuss marriage, and cohabitation until I am sure you're the man for me" - he'd turn on his heel, walk away and NEVER Talk to you again.
He's there becuase your adoration and adherance makes him "feel" powerful, controlling, secure, and manly. It's your challenge of his position, opinions, or ideas that puts him in a tailspin and very literally makes him want to drink, walk out, and perhaps wring your neck.
You don't have to "back out" on this promise...but the promise was made that is open ended.
Helping someone thru a difficult period in their lives isn't done by being there 24/7, doing whatever they say, handling whatever they dish out, and tolerating whatever they do.
Helping osmeone that is rational and mature thru a difficult period in their lives primarily involves communication. It means that you tell them "I'm here if you need me, in the capacities that you need me, please let me knonw what you need." And they do - we all "deal with, heal, grieve" in different ways to allow for our own well-being and needs to be met.
Helping someone that is immature, insecure, and irrational thru a difficult period to them means "you're doing to do what I say, when, how, where and why I say, you're going to be accepting and understanding when I abuse, neglect, or denigrate you, and you're going to continue to do this for as long as I say - until I proclaim that I'm healed." MEaning they haven't got to communicate.....and they won't.
They'll clam up and sit there - you'll be offering nachos, and beer, and to cuddle, and to get them anything and they'll sit there in stony silence staring you down as if you've created their dilemma and you have the solution and won't enact it on their behalf and they're going to withdraw until you "fix it". And then they'll spew forth anything that comes to mind with the expectation that "becuase of the situation" you'll overlook it - and pay their bills, tolerate theri inappropriate behavior, and provide for them in spite of it all.
This is a totally one-sided relationship - he benefits and you tolerate. And the ONLY reason he's with you is because it is aligned in that dynamic.
That's why when you have opnnions, needs, or aren't in alignment with him...rather than hear your point of view, try to understand your needs - he throws up his hands, walks out, gets a drink, and threatens to leave permanently.
HE got in this to feel good about himself via your adoration...he's holding you accountable for his feelings, he lets his feelings dictate his actions as if they are facts, goals and calls to action.
when what he got in this relationship to get "perpetual state of self-acceptance via your approval of him" isn't at 100% capacity - he insults, withdraws, denigrates or threatens you as if you've withheld "his happiness".
That deteriorates over time.....you really ought to get to CoDA (codependents anonymous).
You can be supportive - by offering whatever he requests that is reasonable to do. YOu can do that if your'e in a relationship with him romantically or not. But realize very little he requests is reasonable, mature or realistic and this situation isn't going to be any different. It's just going to be up to you not to capitulate and acquiesce every time he bellows...which could be danger if you're cohabitating and in a romantic relationship that he's in for "self benefit".
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com