trying to turn a sad situation aroud...

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
trying to turn a sad situation aroud...
3
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 11:54am

Inspiration and/or advice kindly sought.

Spouce has parents who we love and care for very much and who overall are lovely people and despite the current distance between us, want and would like them in our lives.

While they always claim they really miss us (we call at least once a week) and wish we would make another visit (we visit between 3 and 5 times annually), they note that it's only convenient for them to visit us once a year provided they have no other plans.

And, we are completely okay with that since we are happy to see them get out of the house and actually making plans.

You see raising kids WAS their entire life, and besides the occasional McDonald's and one sport per child, and of course visiting relatives, they went no where and did nothing. While one of the two really wanted to experience life, that peson stiffled their wants and needs for the sake of the family and because they could not afford it and because the other partner was not up for it.

Now years later, and as empty nesters, they have no friends and nothing to do, except for the weekly buffert after Sunday service and a walk around the block with a neighbor. And, when we DO visit we practiclly have to cajole the to go out to eat or try someplace new, only to find out once we are back home that they enjoyed the experience so much, they are now making the new eatery their regular dining spot. And, this pattern of "complaining" first is or has become the norm. They have even lamented at dressing up for formal occasions only to call us later and note how wonderful they looked and felt and how many people noticed and complments they redeived. Yet, the initiative is NEVER their own....but to their testiment they "are" getting "better".

Ironically, self-proclaimed homebodies who are happy doing "nothing" we are reminded in our conversations with them how they miss having our company and how quiet the house is without us. Also how their othe kids barely visit and that they disappear while going up to the lake during the months of July and August and so they have no one. Yet, when asked to join their children, their standard reply in "NO", to which I say, don't give them a choice, simply note that the grandkids want and need them and give them a time to be picked up.

Okay, now the question. While reluctantly they have accepted that our family WILL do things with them, despite their "opposition" and that they are up for some "adventure", we have decided to include them in the decision making so as not to freak them out with anything they can't handle. Still, the task is trying as they have never developed in that arena. They know nothing and about nothing except home and worked. They have ZERO hobbies, and because it was never a financial feasibility never allowed themselves to think of things they "would" like to try, experience, or "do". When asked where they would like to go, they say "they don't know", when asked what interests them, they say "they don't know", when asked about nature, "they say they can't focus enough to appreciate it", and yet when we offer options, the often shoot each one down based on different reasons, yet when we mention that someone else has or is having the experience they almost always comment that it's been something they have always wanted to go or someplace they wanted to go. Still, they add that while it would be fun, maybe they wouldn't enjoy it because they don't know how to enjoy it or have fun. So, WE seem to be torn between a rock and a hard place. They are now okay with doing some things but they don't know what. They are totally "inactive" and "disintered" in life and always remind us of where their funeral home is and how much time they are spending tying up loose ends and they are NOT that old...sixty and seventy-something. How do we handle this without pushing them into something they are uncomfortable with, but not allowing them to rot, since they say certain things seem like fun.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:03pm

Welcome to the board citrisgal,


Hmm, sounds like they are overwhelmed easily with too many choices and they really 'don't know' what they would like, so

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-15-2005
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 12:43pm

Thank you. And I agree, I would NOT want to force but rather encourage. It's simply difficult even with two choices. Lets say we tell them we are either going to an island or on a cruise...they would, at least initially find fault with both. They would remind us that they are not beach people, though they have never tried and are literally "terrified" of trying anything new unless they are "forced". Just last year they were suppose to join some relatives in their age range to visit another relative and they debated for months, until the last minute to the point of calling the couple they were suppose to travel with and saying that upon thing about it, they decided it would be too long of a trip, too long of a stay, too warm out for the journey, etc. etc. etc. Yet, when told that the couple had already made plans that could not be cancelled and that they "had" to go, they "ambivalently" went. Then they had so much fun they stayed an extra week and called us telling us how glad they were they went, how much fun they had and how "silly" they felt for making a fuss in the first place and now that it was over, they don't know "why" they made a big deal out of it.

But, when they do the same to their children, including my mate, they (the offspring) simply cancel plans and take the monetary "hit". And, the excuse is that they should cancel since they (the kids) are "pushing" them to do it in the first place, but if we get them to consent (which they "don't" do, then we can hold them to their word). Then once they say "no" and we cancel they worry that they let us all down and say that they really would have liked to go and wished they didn't fuss, but they can't change who they are.

So, then back to the island thing, they will say, we are not island people, but we are also not cruise people and we are afraid of the water, but we don't enjoy the sun or the heat and since they don't do much don't give us many options, even when asked.

It is truly sad and I would love to talk to them about it, but I really don't want to discourage the little progress they are making or offend them. I just want to include them and see them enjoy life, once they are saying they are bored with since their children, in their 40s left the house.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 06-26-2007 - 9:04pm

Hi citrisgal,

It sounds like you are doing an awful lot of work for your in-laws, and analyzing what they might or might not like -- that takes up a lot of time! You've always been very flexible and understanding with them, and while I am certain they are great people, you let them get away with doing the same thing over and over again because you work so hard to make them comfortable. Its incredibly nice of you to want them to have a good time, but its really not your job, and I'm sure it can be very tiring for you! Instead of catering to what THEY need, perhaps on some of the occassions they ask when you are coming to visit, you can tell them you "just can't" travel there for quite a while because you have such-and-such plans for a vacation(or a fun event you can't miss, or something), but you would LOVE for them to accompany you, as it will be the only time you can see them for quite a while. If this strategy works, perhaps they will realize how much they miss seeing you and that they need to overstep some boundaries to do so.

Good luck!!