Trying to win her back

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2012
Trying to win her back
3
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 6:33am

My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years, it hasn't been the easiest marriage but who's is. Over the last month I have been so jealous for some reason, maybe its because she started working at a haunted house and have a bunch of guys texting her again. I know for a fact that she would never cheat on me even if I would never find out. But for some reason I just kept pushing and pushing, now we are on a trial "separation" and it's killing me I know I brought it on myself and all I've done is hurt her but I want to do everything in my power to get her back. I used to be romantic , spontaneous, and fun then I just became lazy when we had kids I played video games more than I should and spent time on the computer talking to old friends when I should have been paying attention to her. I think this separation is good just because it made me realize who I had become and now I am doing everything in my power to change it for the better, I just hope she is around to be able to enjoy it. We do have two kids that really add onto the stress of our relationship but I think they are one reason we are working so hard to keep it together. We were married at 19 and now we are 24 I want to get rid of my "teenage" sence of mind and make it more adult if we get back together. So pretty much my question is, am I beyond help? Should I save her heart from the pain and just let her go, god knows I dont want to but I just want her to be happy. I will change though I need to change if not for her for my kids because even over the last week since I've been trying I have finnaly been happy with how I feel and who I am.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 9:47am

Mortelli wrote:
<p>My wife and I have been married for almost 5 years, it hasn't been the easiest marriage but who's is. Over the last month I have been so jealous for some reason, maybe its because she started working at a haunted house and have a bunch of guys texting her again.

what does her working at a haunted house have to do with the amount of texts "from a bunch of guys" that she gets?  Are these work related texts concerning the logistics of her job?

Mortelli wrote:
I know for a fact that she would never cheat on me even if I would never find out. But for some reason I just kept pushing and pushing, now we are on a trial "separation" and it's killing me 

I believe that you do know the reason--you're just not willing to admit that truth to yourself.

Mortelli wrote:
 I know I brought it on myself and all I've done is hurt her but I want to do everything in my power to get her back. I used to be romantic , spontaneous, and fun then I just became lazy when we had kids I played video games more than I should and spent time on the computer talking to old friends when I should have been paying attention to her.

And why was it ok for you to take this tack when you knew when you were doing it that it was causing destruction to your marriage? 

Mortelli wrote:
I think this separation is good just because it made me realize who I had become and now I am doing everything in my power to change it for the better, I just hope she is around to be able to enjoy it. We do have two kids that really add onto the stress of our relationship but I think they are one reason we are working so hard to keep it together. We were married at 19 and now we are 24 I want to get rid of my "teenage" sence of mind and make it more adult if we get back together.

You need to get rid of that mind set, period, not make it predicated upon whether or not you two get back together. You're too old to act the way you've been acting. You made an adult decision at 19 that it would appear you were not emotionally mature enough to undertake for the long haul.  When you stood up before God and man at your wedding, you were point blank told that what you were undertaking was to be done soberly and with much thought when you took your vows.  If it only took less than 5 years for you to renig on carrying out all that is required of you when you marry, then it would appear that you were too young to be getting married.

Mortelli wrote:
So pretty much my question is, am I beyond help? Should I save her heart from the pain and just let her go, god knows I dont want to but I just want her to be happy. I will change though I need to change if not for her for my kids because even over the last week since I've been trying I have finnaly been happy with how I feel and who I am.</p> 

You need to change for you, not for anyone else.  Making someone else's staying as a condition upon you changing won't work.  Once that person is there, you'll fall back to your status quo.  You need to change because it's time for you to grow up and be the man. That means nothing in your life--video games and/or talking on the computer with friends instead of helping her out around the house, hobbies, hanging out, leaving her alone with the kids constantly and never give her a break--may come before or between you and your wife.  It all must be put down and she must always come first in all of your considerations. First her, then the kids. Period. There is no wiggle room in that if you want to remain married to her for the rest of your life.

Is she asking for a divorce yet?  If not, then find a professional therapist to talk to about how you've chosen to treat with your wife for 5 years.  Let her know that you are doing this, but don't talk about getting back together until you've gotten at least 3 months of work accomplished with them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 10:21am

I think you should go to marriage counseling if she is willing to go to try to save the marriage.  It seems a lot of times that a guy needs a separation to get that wake-up call that he's made big mistakes & is going to lose his DW--where she's probably been telling you for a long time about things that were upsetting her (your jealousy, playing video games while she's trying to watch the kids).  I do hope it's not too late.  It's interesting that you made a statement "It hasn't been the easiest marriage but whose is"--well that's not really true.  I think you probably had a more difficult time because you got married very young & had 2 little kids right away--I think when people have matured more before they get married, marriage is easier because they are more grown up themselves, have probably had more than one relationship, know what they want in a relationship and are more willing to give up some kind of "fun" things like playing video games to be responsible parents--not that older people can't have problems too, but there is a reason why more young marriages end in divorce.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Tue, 10-23-2012 - 6:28pm

 The first thing is to be yourself.  There will be nothing to gain if you are not yourself.  To "win" her back is of no use if you lose yourself.  You also have to ask her.  What is she feeling?  Being jealous is a big hole to climb out of.  Yes, professional help is a good idea.  Not just to "get her back" but more importantly to get yourself happy with your choices. 

      That means if you are a couch potato to come to that realization and accept it.  If you are not but acting as if you are then that needs to be taken into consideration.

dragowoman