Trying to wrap my brain around something my fiance said ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002
Trying to wrap my brain around something my fiance said ~
7
Sat, 06-09-2012 - 4:29pm

Its been awhile since I have been on here. But I have something that has bothered me which I'm not sure what to think.

2 days ago my fiance (52) and I (56) were talking about his youngest daughter(27) she is going through a divorce, which she was married less then a year. Well she meet a guy within a month of all this divorce stuff and they were together for a couple of months but he has since gone back to his ex wife..So as we were talking about them not seeing each other anymore, my fiance said that his daughter is stressed out from all of what is happening in her life and when she gets that way she needs sex to releive her stress that is why she was with that guy probably.

He proceeded to say that his daughter is a very sexually person.at this point I am looking at him in disbelif at what he just said.

Then I said >and you know this how?? What would make you say so mething like that? How on earth do you know this? Ihave 3 sons that are all in there 20's and I would never say anything like that, matter fo fact, that would not even factor in the conversation.

So I said to him> Why on earth would a you say that about your daughter?..that is just weird of you to say anything like that. He said that is how people relieve stress. I said there are many ways to releive stress.

As I kept talking about how strange that was he got very defensive about all of it.

Most Dads dont even want to know or think about there kids that way....... What is your take on this? I mentioned it to my sister and my Best friend and they thought is was very creepy and asked if anything went on with them years ago. I did mention that when my fiance was in his early 30's his olderst daughter that is 32 now but around 14-15 was playfully goofing around with her Dad and trying to sit on her Dads lap he proceeded to get a hard on and she would let up and he placed her hand on him and said "see what your doing " and then got up. Police were called by his ex wife but no reports or anything. My fiance never told me that, I found out through his daughters BF. which he then told me.  Wow I need some advice.....what are your thoughts

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Maybe him and his daughter have a very close relationship and they actually talk about everything and anything. Or maybe he's giving the mans version of something she's said to him in the past. I probably would have asked him about it at the time if you thought it sounded odd. I can see myself saying something like "wow you actually talk about your daughters sex life with her? I also have 2 sons in their 20's, and no I don't think they'd ever tell me something like that.TMI for mom and none of her business. lol
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

To me, that's creepy!  And you say you raised your children different, you come from "different sides of the track" (?) and you trust him 100%.  He's been very open and honest with you EXCEPT for this one thing.........one thing that you KNOW about.

Everyone trusts everyond 100% until they realize they shouldn't trust them.  Everyone thinks they know everything about someone, until they find out there are things they don't know.

You DID ask him how he knew this.....when you said it was strange, he got defensive.....but what did he SAY?  How did he know it?

And I agree with you........there are much more acceptable ways to relieve stress....and when a female like his daughter is sexually active with anyone and everyone........it's not to relieve stress, it's to find acceptance and approval.......because they don't have self respect or self esteem.....it comes from a man, any man.  If a man wants her sexually, then she must be okay.  Sexual promiscuity can also be a sign of sexual molestation as a child.  It  doesn't matter what side of the tracks she lived on, either.  Incest is the same on both sides.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002

When I asked him how he knew and what made him say something like that, he never really answered me, he just kept saying that is how people relieve stress. But when i kept going on about it he told me that i was stressing him out because I go on and on about something. and I was looking at him like a child and with a strange look on my face. 

He has never really been very close to his children, so NO he would never talk like that with his daughters, they dont have that kind of relationship.  When I met the girls I found it strange that there was no exhange of warmth, more avoidence with there Dad. No hugs, No kisses and no I love you's....

I think your right, they are trying to find approval from him, its funny you mentioned that, because his ex wife just told me that a week ago, that all they ever wanted was approval from him. In a nutshell this is how his children have turned out so far:

Daughter 32> didn't graduate from HS, has a felony, lives with BF of 10yrs with child 5 works at McDonalds for 8 yrs PT

Son 30>didnt graduate from HS, just got out of Prison after 6 yrs, got GF pregnant, went back to jail for 1 yr. now out and living off the system 

Daughter 28>didnt graduate from HS 2 children by 2 different guys. working at Arbys for 6 yrs Getting divorced within one year of getting married to 2nd childs Dad..

My fiance told me that when he had custody of them for awhile when they were teenagers that he kick them out at 14-15 yrs old becasue they didnt want to follow the rules (are you kiddin me) they were on the streets oldest daughter was livng in cars and the other daughter ended up at a bikers house until one night when she called crying for her Dad be picked up. But never bothered to ask what happened (what!) Do you think there is more to this or not and how would I go about finding this out.

And I have put the marriage on hold for  a number of reasons, not just all of this mess.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999

Honestly I can't see why you would want to be w/ a person like this.  The fact that none of his kids graduated from high school and have other difficulties and he doesn't seem to care that much about them (accd. to his ex) and him not taking care of them, to me would be a huge turnoff.  If a guy has kids, I look at how he treats his kids, even if they are adults, because family is very important to me.  Since that's a basic value, I would find it hard to be w/ someone who doesn't care about his kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Totally agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2002

Whats weird though he is like that with his kids but he treats me very good, and one of the nicest people i have ever met. He treats his  grandkids wonderful and he does things with them as much as possible...so I'm not understanding why he is like that.with his chiildren..

About a month ago he went up to see his kids and visited his son which lives with his youngest sister and when his son went to light up a cigarette he told him to not do it in his sisters apt. Was gonna continue to do it and his Dad came over and socked him in the side ribs a couple of times. What Dad does that? Its no wonder his kids are messed up. When he told me what he did, I couldnt belelive it. He said he deserves it. He wasnt respecting me...I told him that they dont respect you becasue if they did they would have went outside immediately when you mentioned it. 

 

 

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009

I don't know how you'd find out more, you already know plenty....and none of it very good.

This guy didn't come from the wrong side of the tracks, he came from the wrong side of the trailer park.......and I can't imagine anyone knowing right from wrong would ever consider marrying him. 

The best of parents can have a child turn out bad......but three out of three?  That's pure trailer trash!  (Sorry, don't mean to offend anyone who lives in a trailer, I KNOW there are some nice ones in nice trailer parks!)

Just his "casual" defense of "sex relieves stress" doesn't sit right with me.  I don't know of any way to find out more except to talk to the girls themselves......but I don't think you'd get very far with that.......The behavior of his daughters sounds very much like they were molested, maybe by him. 

The whole situation, the kind of family he raised would turn me off for sure!!!