TRYING ........

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
TRYING ........
15
Sat, 12-20-2003 - 10:56am
I've been married for 14 years, three children and a dog. I am very confused and need advice. Three years ago I betrayed my husbands trust. NOT via affair or drugs/drinking. My husband travels A LOT for work and at the time I was a stay at home mom/wife. To fill that "need" that I've missing for years (emotional/physical/mentally) I spent a lot of our money without disclosing it to him. I've been in charge of our finances for years and he never had a reason to doubt where the funds were going. I maxed out every credit cards we had and the ball just kept rolling in a matter of years.

WELL, three years ago I came "clean" about our fiances. He was very hurt, angry and lost my trust. Since then, I have been in thearpy for my "addiction". Through out the years I discovered who I was and what makes me "tick". I understand myself and have been "clean" since. I am now working a fulltime job that I LOVE and have a life outside of my home. My husband and I have been in/out of marriage counseling since. Husband has so much anger inside of him that he drinks often (which alters his moods), is angry often (takes his fustration out on me and kids) and hates spending time with me. ( rather travel for work and do his own thing). When he is angry he blames his moods on something the kids did or I did or someone did. I've been encourageing him to seek counseling for three years to help deal with these emotions that he has ben having. He feels that he is not the one with problem and I need to "deal" with the fall out of what I have done.

WELL, three years was enoough "punishmet" for me. Sort of speak, what else could I do to prove to him that I am better and not a lair. Last month things got really messy. He drinks more and one night lost his temper with the kids and scared them to bits. I stated to him that he needs to seek help or get out. The tension in our marriage and with the kids is not good. Our kids asked that he move out because they hated the feeling the surrounds our household.

He has since gone twice to therapy, but NOW I am no longer happy or satified with my marriage. The last three years I have grown to LOVE who I am and what I have accomplished, the mother the I am and become. That need in my marrage his gone.

What should I do? I have a womderful mother and four sisters that I confine in. Mother thinks I should stay in marriage for the "sake" of the children, my one sister feels that I need more prayer in my life and my other three sisters feel I should move on (as difficult as it might get, we will better off in a year from now - the kids and I)

I know that only I can make that choice and deal with the consequences that may arise.

Any advice or word of thought are greatly welcome.

THANK YOU :)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: msjones67
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 10:51pm
Thanks for the reading material! I did take note of the titles and plan on "checking" them out. A desicion on my part has been made to see a lawyer and file a legal separation until we can heal and work things out. We seem to be at crossroads with blaming each other and pointing the finger at who did what, etc. If things don't "go well", we both will have learned a major life lesson and hopefully we will become better people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: msjones67
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:08pm
I keep re-reading your post and YES, we are caught up in blaming each other and who did what, etc. Husband and I have been talking and actually taking early morning walks so we can discuss things without being near the kids. I do have an appointment next month with a laywer to discuss a legal speration. I did share my feelings with my husband and he is very hurt that I would take that "road". I tried explaing that it is no longer about what he wants but the kids have expressed their concern and worries and that is what's foremost in my mind at this time. Things are just so tense that I hate being home when he is here. The two older kids (12,14) spend their time in the rooms when their dad is home and our son (8) doesn't really understand a lot of things. But when I am leaving for work or with his sisters, he does ask me a 1001 questions and is very clingy when I'm at home.

The guilt feelings are no longer here !! I did speak with my pysotherapist three times since last week to help me work through those feelings. Husband is still attending his therapy sessions (third one tomorrow) but I did express to him that separating at this time is best so WE CAN sort through things and move on. The anger and finger pointing has to stop....

I'll keep you posted as time allows.

HUGS

Pamela

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: msjones67
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:29pm
Hello Sherri,

YES, I already have made my decision, but I did "act" on it. I made an appointment to see a lawyer next month (January). Too many times he has made that promise to get help! Tomorrow will be his third session but I honestly don't think he's been totally truthful with his counselor. When my husband and I do talk he tells me everything that has been discussed. I did tell him he DID NOT have to tell me anything because that was between the two of them. I never informed him of anything that I have discussed in my sessions or with my support groups. I don't feel those should be shared because it helps us learn who we are, etc. He has NEVER mentioned a single thing about his drinking...he feels he doesn't have a drinking problem. ( we had 12 bottles of beer in the garage two days ago and its gone - I did ask him where they went (my dad was over and I offered him a drink- nothing left) He lied and said that he didn't know. (honestly, I looked inside his truck and found 12 empty beer bottles)

You really "hit it on the head" that he his making a lot of effort to save the sinking ship. I do feel that he's doing it to "pacify" me. This has been done in the past and I fear that it will be same old - same old. He needs to decide what makes him happy and what makes him - just him..make sense?

I do hope that this time around will work for him. He deserves to be happy once again and love the person that he is.

I wish I could type more but I have to be up by 4:30 and get to the office by 7:00. I'm bushed !!

I will definately keep you all posted !! All the advice and opinions are greatly appreciated.

HUGS

Pamela

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2003
In reply to: msjones67
Tue, 12-30-2003 - 11:47pm
Hello James,

I was going through all of the replys and posting my responses. Thank you for the reply and advice. You make a few raher good points. My husband has made promises in the past and things seem to work for two/three months and then BOOM, things go bad again. I feel that he does this to pacify the situation and/or me. I truely want him to be happy again and find that person that I feel in love with. We have been talking and trying to spend "one-on-one" time so we can discuss our issues when the kids aren't in "ear reach". It seems to always land on the fact that I lied and hurt him so badly that he can't get over it. He stated that if he can't "get over it" I'll have to live with it. I really don't believe I should. I did discuss with him my desire to legally seperate until we can live in peace again and without all the awful tension. I do have an appointment with a lawyer next month to discuss my options. If I am holding it against him for not getting help sooner - I don't mean to. That is not my intent. I just wish it didn't get this far with the children....

I'll be sure to keep you posted.....

HUGS,

Pamela

Avatar for autumnleaves22
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: msjones67
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 3:31am
Dear Pamela,

I am so proud of you! I knew from your post that you had decided already. It is hard to keep kids in that kind of situation with all of the tension.

My ex would change for about a month or so and then gradually go back to his old ways, as if I wouldn't notice or something if he did it sslllooowwwllllyyy. But we had a pattern of about 4 times a year really getting into it about how he treated me and about the drinking. He can put a lot away and not seem drunk, but they can't hide that nasty beer breath! My ex never thought he had a drinking problem either, but to me, drinking everyday *is* a problem, especially when you lie about it.

My ex would never mention his drinking problem when we were in counseling either. In fact, it did him no good because whenever we went, he would gradually steer the conversation away from *our* issues and talk about things he liked to do - hunting, Indy 500 race, cars, etc. He was very good at being evasive and so the counseling was of no use to us at all. I ended up continuing to go and worked on some issues I had from when I was a kid and did work through them. So at least I got some help from it!

I do hope that your DH can get something out of counseling to help himself, because before he can help the marriage, I sense that he really needs to work on himself first. And I'm glad that you have someone to talk to also. That really helps.

Now that he knows your plans for legal separation, he is really going to be pouring on the attention to convince you to stay. But it sounds like your ship is heading to a different harbor than his is and has a much faster engine!

You said, "...I do hope that this time around will work for him. He deserves to be happy once again and love the person that he is..." I agree totally. That is how I feel about my ex. I do want him to learn a life lesson from our split, to process it and apply it in his present and future life, to make it better for himself and for any person he decides to get involved with. Sometimes I really feel sorry for him, but he has made his decisions and chosen his life patterns. I just can't be there for him anymore.

I wish you much peace as you go forward with your plans Pamela. Hang in there, stand your ground, and keep us posted...

Sherri

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